Awesome post!I can relate to what you're talking about as I've been accused of the same, and while I know I've made improvements, when I'm tired or frustrated I still come across that way. The trick for me is to replay what I've said as soon as I realize it has upset someone to examine how I might have said it differently. Very often what I have found is that it's mostly tone of voice; that air of incredulity that they didn't immediately see that the space wasn't big enough for the truck. Just emphasis on my part but when I listen to myself I can hear it from their perspective, exactly as Colby said...how could he be so stupid not to know it was too small. I'm proud of you and love you regardless of whether or not you make any more progress or change anything. I so appreciate your willingness to examine it!
Hi Pete, My take on things: Colby was feeling stupid because he was anxious and thought you weren't there when you actually were there. The truck comment just bumped into that feeling and he trusted you enough to say it. You are not in any control over how people react to you. Their reactions are their own and are only about their process, feelings, thoughts - not you. The great thing for Colby is, you're going to be around loving him and thinking highly of him for a long time. Lucky for Colby. Magna employee opinion survey was a thinly veiled popularity contest in my opinion. If a General Manager was going to be honest about what he thought, then he was going to be pissing people off. Especially "the masses" who don't have the chance to really know the GM and understand or trust his motivations. Just say'n. Roo's feeling that you talk down to her made me laugh. If she was feeling you were talking down to her I'm surprised she stayed around to listen! LOL. Roo understands that her thoughts are her own and have nothing to do with your tone. I trust her to sort that out (on a good day). What I'm most interested in for you - is for you to uncover what Pete really thinks about Pete - that's most important don't you agree? BIG Hugs to you my friend...
Oh and I loved going on the ride with you .... this blogging talking thing is awesome. I really experience it as an intimate connection and I love intimacy! Thank you so much for sharing. I love you too.
Im pretty sure it's a Rooyakkers thing! Like Elly, I have had the same experience many times, and I agree with her that it is mostly a tone of voice thing. I get what you are saying about wether it comes from the inside or the outside, but I suspect that's just a bit of insecurity on your part because you truly dont want to be the way you were percieved. I have had this same internal conversation with myself numerous times. As Elly has figured out, I think it is no more than a bad habit. I often attribute it to the melee of 12 children growing up together, all in competition for the same resources. I bet your lovely wife would confirm for you that you are not the only Rooyakkers she knows that has this bad habit! I know mine has ;) Regarding your arrogance, I can't imagine someone thinking that about you! Actually, I can because, again I have been accused many times myself, and I have a different theory about that. I can remember having a conversation with my family when one or the other of them said "you always think you are right". In the moment, I remember thinking "yeh, but that is because I usually am!" Again, I think it's another Rooyakkers trait, as we had a lot of siblings to prove our superiority to. Great post bro. love holij
Love your response John! You and Elly are so real and honest! We all have shit we can work on and choose to change it or not. Does it change what I think of you, absolutely not! For me, I've learned through my psychiatrist is that any pass tramautic situations can have triggers in your future. You can choose to ask the individual to change that trigger, (tone) and that individual can choose to or not. If not, than I have to find a way to deal with it. It becomes my shit as Deb alluded to in her response. Pete, thanks for a great video blog, and allowing others to be open and candid about their responses.
I agree with the other sentiments expressed, and also that this is a great post! And I am just as guilty of the tone-of-voice thing - sometimes it's just automatic or impulsive. I agree with Uncle John and Aunt Elly that it's just a habit - and we can all work toward trying to drop our bad ones! :)
And I agree with Deb that often the response of others is totally out of our control! Like, totally! It may have very little to do with our actual actions, and more so with how they are perceived. For example, you mentioned your experiences and reviews when working at Magna, and I'm familiar with some research in the area of work and performance review and how we evaluate managers and colleagues. And basically, results tell us that the gender and race, etc, of employees influences both the tone and substance of what people comment in reviews, AND the gender and race, etc, of the manager being reviewed also influence the reviews! Another example, close to home for me, is with students' evaluations of their professors - research has shown that reviews are influenced a lot by external factors (harsher for women, visible minorities, etc; higher or lower depending on how enthusiastic students were in taking the course; higher or lower depending on the size of the class, the type of class, etc). We also know that criticism tends to be spoken louder than praise!
So, my point is, don't beat yourself up. None of us are perfect - the fact that you are reflecting on yourself and your behaviours is the good thing. And it means you're probably ahead of most people who don't even do that. Just in my humble opinion. :)
I know I'm way behind, but I poured my coffee into my laptop a few days ago, so Ive been off the grid. Youll have to pardon my punctuation; I seem to be missing a few keys. Shocker, I too know exactly the tone Colby was hearing and unfortunately Im much better at noticing it in others than in myself. I quite often actively avoid finding time to think; I dont always like what I come up with. Tomorrow I will try to hear how I speak! Thanks for providing food for thought. Love Isabella
Awesome post!I can relate to what you're talking about as I've been accused of the same, and while I know I've made improvements, when I'm tired or frustrated I still come across that way. The trick for me is to replay what I've said as soon as I realize it has upset someone to examine how I might have said it differently. Very often what I have found is that it's mostly tone of voice; that air of incredulity that they didn't immediately see that the space wasn't big enough for the truck. Just emphasis on my part but when I listen to myself I can hear it from their perspective, exactly as Colby said...how could he be so stupid not to know it was too small. I'm proud of you and love you regardless of whether or not you make any more progress or change anything. I so appreciate your willingness to examine it!
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteHi Pete,
ReplyDeleteMy take on things:
Colby was feeling stupid because he was anxious and thought you weren't there when you actually were there. The truck comment just bumped into that feeling and he trusted you enough to say it. You are not in any control over how people react to you. Their reactions are their own and are only about their process, feelings, thoughts - not you. The great thing for Colby is, you're going to be around loving him and thinking highly of him for a long time. Lucky for Colby.
Magna employee opinion survey was a thinly veiled popularity contest in my opinion. If a General Manager was going to be honest about what he thought, then he was going to be pissing people off. Especially "the masses" who don't have the chance to really know the GM and understand or trust his motivations. Just say'n.
Roo's feeling that you talk down to her made me laugh. If she was feeling you were talking down to her I'm surprised she stayed around to listen! LOL. Roo understands that her thoughts are her own and have nothing to do with your tone. I trust her to sort that out (on a good day).
What I'm most interested in for you - is for you to uncover what Pete really thinks about Pete - that's most important don't you agree? BIG Hugs to you my friend...
Oh and I loved going on the ride with you .... this blogging talking thing is awesome. I really experience it as an intimate connection and I love intimacy! Thank you so much for sharing. I love you too.
ReplyDeleteIm pretty sure it's a Rooyakkers thing! Like Elly, I have had the same experience many times, and I agree with her that it is mostly a tone of voice thing. I get what you are saying about wether it comes from the inside or the outside, but I suspect that's just a bit of insecurity on your part because you truly dont want to be the way you were percieved. I have had this same internal conversation with myself numerous times. As Elly has figured out, I think it is no more than a bad habit. I often attribute it to the melee of 12 children growing up together, all in competition for the same resources. I bet your lovely wife would confirm for you that you are not the only Rooyakkers she knows that has this bad habit! I know mine has ;) Regarding your arrogance, I can't imagine someone thinking that about you! Actually, I can because, again I have been accused many times myself, and I have a different theory about that. I can remember having a conversation with my family when one or the other of them said "you always think you are right". In the moment, I remember thinking "yeh, but that is because I usually am!" Again, I think it's another Rooyakkers trait, as we had a lot of siblings to prove our superiority to.
ReplyDeleteGreat post bro.
love holij
Love your response John! You and Elly are so real and honest! We all have shit we can work on and choose to change it or not. Does it change what I think of you, absolutely not! For me, I've learned through my psychiatrist is that any pass tramautic situations can have triggers in your future. You can choose to ask the individual to change that trigger, (tone) and that individual can choose to or not. If not, than I have to find a way to deal with it. It becomes my shit as Deb alluded to in her response.
DeletePete, thanks for a great video blog, and allowing others to be open and candid about their responses.
I love you all MORE!
Roo
I agree with the other sentiments expressed, and also that this is a great post! And I am just as guilty of the tone-of-voice thing - sometimes it's just automatic or impulsive. I agree with Uncle John and Aunt Elly that it's just a habit - and we can all work toward trying to drop our bad ones! :)
ReplyDeleteAnd I agree with Deb that often the response of others is totally out of our control! Like, totally! It may have very little to do with our actual actions, and more so with how they are perceived. For example, you mentioned your experiences and reviews when working at Magna, and I'm familiar with some research in the area of work and performance review and how we evaluate managers and colleagues. And basically, results tell us that the gender and race, etc, of employees influences both the tone and substance of what people comment in reviews, AND the gender and race, etc, of the manager being reviewed also influence the reviews! Another example, close to home for me, is with students' evaluations of their professors - research has shown that reviews are influenced a lot by external factors (harsher for women, visible minorities, etc; higher or lower depending on how enthusiastic students were in taking the course; higher or lower depending on the size of the class, the type of class, etc). We also know that criticism tends to be spoken louder than praise!
So, my point is, don't beat yourself up. None of us are perfect - the fact that you are reflecting on yourself and your behaviours is the good thing. And it means you're probably ahead of most people who don't even do that. Just in my humble opinion. :)
Love,
Michael
I know I'm way behind, but I poured my coffee into my laptop a few days ago, so Ive been off the grid. Youll have to pardon my punctuation; I seem to be missing a few keys. Shocker, I too know exactly the tone Colby was hearing and unfortunately Im much better at noticing it in others than in myself. I quite often actively avoid finding time to think; I dont always like what I come up with. Tomorrow I will try to hear how I speak! Thanks for providing food for thought.
ReplyDeleteLove Isabella