I'm sitting at the dance club where Kylie spends two hours and a bunch of our money every thursday evening. No! Not that kind of dance club! She's 10 years old for crying out loud! Anyway, I have been allowed the privilege of chauffeuring her for the last while since Roo has been working the early shift at the Post Office. Despite the fact that the place seems to have no heat, and despite the fact that you have to watch that kids practice on a TV screen instead of live, and despite the fact that it gets near my bedtime before I get home, I have really started to enjoy this time. I'm sitting here writing my blog and feeling pretty content.
And the point of that pointless paragraph is that I often have that feeling by this time of day.
And the point of that is that I did not feel that way this morning when I woke up.
Here's my description of my day, and in a general sense. it's fairly typical.
I wake up and open my eyes, usually around 5 or 6. I often wake through the night of course, but my brain doesn't really turn on for those moments, so they don't count. When I do wake enough to start feeling something, here's how I would describe it.
I am at the bottom of a muddy hole. I'm naked and alone. I'm strangely tired. I consider just burrowing in the mud, but just as I roll over I catch a glimpse of light. I open my eyes fully, and while my immediate surroundings are still very dark, up above me I see a circle of daylight. As my eyes adapt to my surroundings I gradually realize that the walls of the hole are slightly sloped, but that they are slick with mud. I ain't never getting out of here!!
I roll over and close my eyes again but not for long. Deep down inside I know I can't accept the kind of quitting that would be, and so I look up and study my situation again. Although I know it's gonna be a challenge, I also know I've climbed out of this hole before, and that I can do it again. Besides, I know that at the top of the hole are all those things that keep me going. All of my responsibilities, all of my passions, and above all else, all of my loved ones.
And so I drag my sorry ass out of bed and start my day,
Literally this means I get up and eat, and exercise, and drive my grandchildren around, and do my tasks etc etc, until the pain of first awakening pretty well subsides, and eventually I find myself at dance club, or relaxing in some other way, but generally feeling content
Figuratively it means that I scratch and claw and squirm, using toes, knees, elbows, fingers and even teeth to eventually drag myself over the rim of the hole, and park myself there at the edge.....totally exhausted, but alive and kicking. Phew!
Then I go to sleep, and I dream, and I wake up! Guess where?
And I ain't complaining, I'm just saying. It's my problem to solve, and most of the time I still believe I will solve it. I just need to keep working on making change.
Speaking of which, today I found myself backsliding a bit on at least one of changes I've already identified. I'll leave that explanation for tomorrow..
What I will leave you with is a pic of me and my new friend. Actually he will be Ky's new friend once she gets out of dance. I often buy her affection with a small stuffy after her workout. It works great thank you very much!
We look pretty good together eh?
.....this one hit me like the proverbial ton of bricks....
Depression is the inability to construct a future."---Rolio May
And the point of that pointless paragraph is that I often have that feeling by this time of day.
And the point of that is that I did not feel that way this morning when I woke up.
Here's my description of my day, and in a general sense. it's fairly typical.
I wake up and open my eyes, usually around 5 or 6. I often wake through the night of course, but my brain doesn't really turn on for those moments, so they don't count. When I do wake enough to start feeling something, here's how I would describe it.
I am at the bottom of a muddy hole. I'm naked and alone. I'm strangely tired. I consider just burrowing in the mud, but just as I roll over I catch a glimpse of light. I open my eyes fully, and while my immediate surroundings are still very dark, up above me I see a circle of daylight. As my eyes adapt to my surroundings I gradually realize that the walls of the hole are slightly sloped, but that they are slick with mud. I ain't never getting out of here!!
I roll over and close my eyes again but not for long. Deep down inside I know I can't accept the kind of quitting that would be, and so I look up and study my situation again. Although I know it's gonna be a challenge, I also know I've climbed out of this hole before, and that I can do it again. Besides, I know that at the top of the hole are all those things that keep me going. All of my responsibilities, all of my passions, and above all else, all of my loved ones.
And so I drag my sorry ass out of bed and start my day,
Literally this means I get up and eat, and exercise, and drive my grandchildren around, and do my tasks etc etc, until the pain of first awakening pretty well subsides, and eventually I find myself at dance club, or relaxing in some other way, but generally feeling content
Figuratively it means that I scratch and claw and squirm, using toes, knees, elbows, fingers and even teeth to eventually drag myself over the rim of the hole, and park myself there at the edge.....totally exhausted, but alive and kicking. Phew!
Then I go to sleep, and I dream, and I wake up! Guess where?
And I ain't complaining, I'm just saying. It's my problem to solve, and most of the time I still believe I will solve it. I just need to keep working on making change.
Speaking of which, today I found myself backsliding a bit on at least one of changes I've already identified. I'll leave that explanation for tomorrow..
What I will leave you with is a pic of me and my new friend. Actually he will be Ky's new friend once she gets out of dance. I often buy her affection with a small stuffy after her workout. It works great thank you very much!
We look pretty good together eh?
.....this one hit me like the proverbial ton of bricks....
Depression is the inability to construct a future."---Rolio May
Love
Peter
Striking resemblance
ReplyDeleteThis guy's walking down the street when he falls in a hole. The walls are so steep he can't get out.
ReplyDeleteA doctor passes by and the guy shouts up, 'Hey you. Can you help me out?' The doctor writes a prescription, throws it down in the hole and moves on.
Then a priest comes along and the guy shouts up, 'Father, I'm down in this hole can you help me out?' The priest writes out a prayer, throws it down in the hole and moves on.
Then a friend walks by, 'Hey, Joe, it's me can you help me out?' And the friend jumps in the hole. Our guy says, 'Are you stupid? Now we're both down here.'
The friend says, 'Yeah, but I've been down here before and I know the way out.'
(Thus, sharing your 'stuck in a hole' story with others is so healthy - because many of us have been there too! Ps. Nice picture - looks like you two are related!)
Love,
Michael
Love your story Michael
DeleteLove Michael's story, similar to another one I've heard and like too. I understand your reluctance to explore possibilities that don't have a solution. However, just like sharing your experience can garner support by the relatability of others, knowing what you're trying to face can do the same. I heard recently that concussion causes increased rates of suicide. Especially since as we age our brains shrink a little (I know, impossible!) it means that we are more susceptible to our brains rattling around in there...just sayin'! Love you
ReplyDeleteThat hole is going to get pretty darned crowded soon! But if there are enough of us down there, we can help each other climb out. Add that to your dream. And sharing this stuff; it's good for the rest of us (and maybe for you too).
ReplyDeleteLove, gail