"Silver Linings"

I went and spent the day in Kitchener just to lend any practical or emotional support that might have added value.  Turns out that while they were doing all the hard stuff at the funeral home I got to spend time with John's grandson.

Yup!  Just me and Izaiah, for 1 1/2 hours in the lobby.  This was before I hauled him out of his car seat.  Is he not freakin perfect!

After I got him out he slept in my arms for an hour.  It took me back about 30 years.  My one arm was totally asleep, and I had to pee so bad my eyeballs were floating, but do you think I was gonna put him down?  No way!  Love you Izaiah, and so does Grampa Z!

And I am amazed how Jean and her family are coping.  It's only been 2 days and already they are smiling and even laughing, along with the crying.  Thanks Jean for letting us share in your grief and your memories.  I consider it a gift.  I always feel special at your house.

And as to anything else beyond love and family.....

"I don't give a rats ass"---John Gregory Zadilsky

Love
Peter

"Surreal"

This is a new experience for me.  I have never lost a friend or family member suddenly.  Both of my parents and Roos Dad had some warning, as did our friend Sally.  I thought I knew how fragile life is, but this was a rude awakening.  I'm shocked!

I feel so bad for Jean and Lish and Ben (his son), and of course for my own son.  I want to go there and fix everything, but alas this is not a leaky roof, or a broken toilet.

We will however do every thing within our power to support them all.  For the obvious reasons, but also because it is good for Claudette and I.

This is one of my favourite pictures of all time.  While it may seem ordinary enough it was actually quite a significant time.  This picture was taken shortly after I met John, (the second day I believe) and I think it tells a thousand words.  We were already comfortable with each other.  

I decided to give myself a workout break, and I think I'm gonna take tomorrow off too.   I think that will be good for me as well.  I distracted myself by working on my post fire, fence repairs.

And of course my primary distraction was the same as always.  I got these cool pics for that part of the day, and I have no idea how.

My grandson is a ghost, and my granddaughter is also showing a tendency towards transparency.  Pretty weird eh?

And that's it.  I think tomorrow we're gonna head back to Kitchener to see what we can do to help the Zadilsky's get up this ugly hill they've been asked to climb.  Please send them any spare energy you  may have.

In the fantasy series I've been reading there is a tribe of people that refer to death as ''waking up from the dream''.  I like that thought.

And do you think it's really possible that those that have died can look back on the rest of us?   I like that idea as well, and with that in mind I want to ask John what he thinks of my fence?  You can bet dollars to donuts that he would tell me the truth!!

...more amazing thoughts...

"The timing of death, like the ending of a story, gives a changed meaning to what preceded it."---Mary Catherine Bateson

Love

Peter

"Good Night John Zadilsky"

When you're retired and 60 years old it's not so common to make new friends any more.  But then my son met his daughter, and I got an unexpected gift.

What a special surprise Jonathan's father in law, and Izaiah's other Grampa has been.  We hit it off from the first moment we met, and I can honestly say that I never spent an hour with him that wasn't one of peace.  I simply don't want to accept that he's gone.

I feel so sad for his beautiful wife Jean, and of course for Alisha.  They are a such a close family and they're gonna miss him.  He was only 55 years old!

I know they feel lucky to have our Jon in their lives at this time, but it's hard for him too.  Be strong son.  I know you'll do whatever needs done.

Heck...it's hard for me as well.  I'm just gonna miss him.

Good night John!  Love you brother!

Love
Peter

"Over The Hill"

I think that's a metaphor??

And whether it is or not, it's surely an expression we are all familiar with.  If you're over the hill, you are getting old and you can no longer do the things you used to do.  It suggests that the rest of the journey is all down hill, but not in the sense that things are gonna get easier, but rather in the sense that the end is coming up fast!!

I prefer to think of life as constantly going uphill, but perhaps at varying speeds.  If life is a hill, then one should only arrive at the very top at the end of life.  And when one arrives there it should be with a sense of completion, a sense of supreme satisfaction.  I picture myself scraping and clawing my way until the final moment, and when I arrive at the top I'm gonna turn around and survey where I came from.  I'm gonna let out this tremendous sigh, lift my arms to the sky, and shout at the top of my lungs, "I made it!"

However I decided that I was gonna take a bit of a breather on the climb today, just to relish yesterdays success, so no workout.  I will try running again tomorrow but I promise that I will not feel defeated if it doesn't go well.  Then Sunday they say 7 degrees, so I will try to make another bike video.  I'm gonna put the camera on the handlebars to see how that works out.  We shall see.

And here's another hill story!  Hope you like it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xzhXeV2-C7E

"It's easier to go down a hill than up it but the view is much better at the top."---Henry Ward Beecher

Love

Peter

"Stay Very, Very Calm"

Before I get to that however, I want to give you all a giant thank you for your thoughtful responses over the last week or so, but especially as relates to yesterdays' video.  I can't tell you enough times how rewarding the whole experience is.  Riding my bike, recording my unrehearsed thoughts, listening to them afterwards, and then the real bonus; getting to hear your reaction.  Priceless!!

I actually recorded another video on the same ride, and my original intent was to show it to you today.  That all changed on account of my experiences today, and hence the title of my post.  I have something more pressing to discuss.

So yes.  I need to stay very calm.  I need to sit quietly and reflect.  I need to be very careful, and extremely patient.  I need to deny any impulsive reaction.

You see, here's what happened.  It would normally have been ride day, but since February returned with a vengeance, and since I'm a wimp, I left my bike on the stand.  I ran and walked yesterday, and although I didn't feel too bad, I was pretty sure that today was gonna be more walk than anything.

And before anyone reminds me, I know that it was just  the first of this month that I swore off running, and here I am again, banging my head against the proverbial wall.  Despite falling off of that wagon I have made sure that my efforts were very easy, and I don't think that the intermittent running I am doing is causing me any problems.

So today I started out at a very slow jog and anticipated lots of easy walking.  I have learned to recognize the tension in my chest before it's too late, and have developed the discipline to let myself walk, and recently even to walk easy, instead of my demented race walk thing.

But!  When the tension first came at about 2 kms I decided to do everything in my power to relax through it, rather than give it up right away.  Much to my surprise, within a few minutes I felt totally in control again!!  That same thing happened at about 3 kms, and again I relaxed and kept  going with no problem.  To make a long story short, that happened 2 or 3 more times on my run around the block, and each time I was able to make the tension go away!

Note what I said.  My "run around the block"!!!

I checked and that has not happened at least since last years Ironman, and I don't know for how long before that??  I ran around the damn block!!  Seven and a half glorious kilometres!!!  No walking!!!
No tension, no anxiety, no pain!!!

And you know what the real kicker is?  I could  have kept going!  I actually seriously considered it, but it was at that point that I decided what the title of my post would be.

I need to stay very, very calm.  I need to read no more meaning into this other then perhaps the possibility that I'm slowly making progress.

I'm determined to do retain my composure, but right now I'm also gonna let myself feel at peace.  It's kinda funny but since seeing the ENT and getting a clean bill of health on my throat, as well as seeing the head shrinker, I seem to have stopped worrying about doom and gloom physical health issues....hmmm...

So that's it!  I'm not gonna change my strategy at all based on today's events.  I will continue to try to ride every other day, weather permitting, and on alternate days I will run/walk as dictated by my comfort.

“Opportunity seldom rises with blood pressure.” ---Jarod Kintz

Love

Peter

"Todays Nonsense"

As promised.

I'm not sure what you'll make of this? 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=69iMYKFut84

Hopefully you'll tell me.

"The pendulum of the mind alternates between sense and nonsense, not between right and wrong."---Carl Jung

"I Know, I Know"

I didn't post yesterday and I'm not really posting today either.  We were in bed already last night when Roo reminded me, and I decided that I was not anal enough to get up and write something.  I say that's progress, wouldn't you?

And today I recorded a lovely video for you, but since we live in the country it's gonna take about half a day to upload it.  That fact relegated it to tomorrows post.

I did have a gratifying 45 km ride to Aylmer and back, all on the back roads, and in the beautiful sunshine.  If my butt and my legs didn't protest I would keep riding all day.  More than any other time I feel at peace while riding, and I think that when I'm talking for the camera I feel even better.

And if you don't know anything about Aylmer, Ontario I can tell you that it is a thriving little town known primarily for it's large Mennonite community.  Not perhaps the Mennonites or Amish that many of my readers are used to, as this group is primarily made up of Mexican mennonites.  They are Canadian immigrants twice over in that they originally came mostly from Manitoba.  Because I grew up near Elmira, Ontario, it is still very strange for me to hear the local group speaking Spanish.  They are quite different than those I grew up with, as you don't see many horses, and they go to Walmart in their cars just as often as I do. (maybe more)  The one thing that is familiar to me however is the picture of Mom and Dad with 6 kids trailing behind, often all of them under the age of six!!

Anyway, ------I realized while listening to my video today, that I say 'anyway' very frequently.  I also say. 'I don't know' a lot, which don't seem to make any sense at all!!   Probably that part I'll leave in, but I gotta start monitoring my other little speech habits.

And that's it.  Please check for my video tomorrow, and maybe even another one the day after.

...and while I don't have much more use for their religion than any others, my sense of it is that the Mennonites live the teachings of Jesus Christ more than any other so called Christian groups.  They are pacifists (many left Manitoba to avoid Canadian conscription), and I have never seen a rude or aggressive mennonite, either here, or back in the Waterloo area...

...and this one's for you Roo....

"I will charge thee nothing but the promise that thee will help the next man thee finds in trouble."---Mennnonite Proverb

Love
Peter

"Me And My Bicycle"

Elly talks often of gratitude and I understand why.  When you truly experience this feeling it somehow dampens much of the crappy stuff going on in ones' life.  Of course like most things it requires a little work, and in this regard I think it's important to search out what you're grateful for.  Often those things are very well disguised as things one takes for granted, rather than things one's grateful for.  I find that one of the best ways to separate the two is to put yourself in someone else's shoes, anyones, and take an outside look at yourself.  Many people would look at me and envy the amount of time I have to do the things I like, and that's why today I'm grateful for that very luxury!

I can quite easily turn a bike ride into an entire day's event, and today was a great example of that.  What with getting dressed, preparing all of my electronics (music, camera, bike computer), then the ride itself, followed by the reverse of the preparations, and of course downloading the video, and then blogging bout it, I think I spent 8 hours of my Sunday!

But I don't care!  I don't think I will ever not enjoy bike riding.  I rode my mountain bike for 52.5 kms, much of it on gravel roads that I've never been on in my life, and enjoyed every last minute of it.

Here's just a small bit of it.  Please make sure you watch right through to the end because when I seem to sign off I'm not quite done yet.  It is not unusual for me to not be done talking when I think I am, or for that meter when others think I'm done.

Enjoy!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OfI4qM8WjtU&feature=youtu.be


Love
Peter

"Lazy"

That's my story, and I'm sticking to it!

Love
Peter

"Holding Pattern"

There's good days and bad days, and days where you're just kinda treading water.  Because I'm a bit tired I decided to have a rest day, but that comes with the usual consequence.....increased anxiety.  It's a pretty vicious circle.  I should have at least gone for a walk, and perhaps I learned that again today.

I know it's gonna be a hard journey, this resolve to deal with my worries.  But resolved I am!  At the end lies the holy grail!  Peace!

I did get started on a little project I'm doing for some dear friends, and I spent a little time working on my building permit for the shed replacement. so it wasn't a completely wasted day.

As I was working on the project I was pretty well at peace, but then sitting down to the building permit I realized that I was getting tense.  That surprised me.  I think I have to work at getting more aware of what activities or situations actually trigger the anxiety, and then try my best to curb, or at least  modify particular things.  If I'm not aware, there could be a bunch of shit constantly brewing bad things in the background....hmmmm...  And when it's something I can't avoid, the very best thing is to get it over and done with asap.  I intend on submitting the permit application on monday!

And tonite Colby still has hockey, one of 4 games in 5 days.! As much as his team drives me crazy with their total lack of 'team' play, I just love watching my grandson.  I'm not usually one to live vicariously, and Colby is not gonna make the NHL, but it's still about a hundred times better than watching hockey on TV.  Even though I can no longer seem to put enough clothes on to stay warm in a hockey rink!

"Do not spend so much time treading water and trying to keep your head above the waves that you forget, truly forget, how much you have always loved to swim."---Anon

Love
Peter

"My Life is Perfect!"

I just got a text from my 13 year old grandson.  How the 13 years happened I have no idea, but that's a topic for another day.

The important thing today is to make note of how courteous the young man is at 13, as evidenced by the way he phrased his text.  He was just wondering, but only if I felt like it, could I please bring him some potato chips?

But the best part?

He's sitting in the basement playing X-Box!!

I literally laughed out loud.....then I brought him the chips!

I'm gonna remind him of that moment in about 20 years when I need him to come upstairs to help me change my diaper!

And maybe I spoil the kid a little bit at times, but I also try to hold him accountable.  I really liked something I read on Roo's Facebook earlier today, and I'm gonna use it as a guide when dealing with my grandson.  It said, " be who you needed when you were younger".  Kinda makes sense eh?

Anyway... even aside from the happiness that Colby brings to my life, I know I'm blessed, and I'm feeling grateful.

I tried once again to make you a video, but again I failed.  I spent an hour trying to resolve a problem with the camera, only to eventually discover that it had something to do with the media chip.  I will try again soon.  Never surrender to the technology!!

Regardless, I did manage to get out on my bike for a bit, and felt pretty good.  I am tired now though,  what with all my running yesterday, so I need to be very careful.  My focus needs to be on eliminating stress, not adding to it.

Towards that end, I'm going to bed with my book, and hopefully sleep the sleep of the just!

By the way, while I was out riding today I realized something that I think is important.  It actually came as bit of a shock to me, but at least for a little while I firmly believed it.

The thought was that if I live for another 20 years, that I deserve for those years to be happy and fulfilled!  I need to hold onto that real, real tight!!

That's it!  Lots more thoughts cramming my mind, but gotta save some stuff for tomorrow.

'We do not remember days, we remember moments."---Cesare Pavese

Love

Peter

"Surprise!"

No video blog I'm afraid.  It was just too nasty again this morning, so I had to leave the bike at home.  It's not the cold that's the problem, or even the wind, but rather the traction.  It's just too stressful and then it's no fun.  If I'm too anxious when I ride, it defeats one of the primary purposes, which is to relax.

But that's not the surprise I want to talk about.  I want to try to tell you a little bit about my Dr's visit yesterday, minus the video.

What I expected was something like, "stop running, your'e too old, take these drugs and go away!"

And for the first 45 minutes that is what I thought I was getting.  It took him that long to ask me all the questions he needed to understand my entire life, or perhaps that was the point at which I was able to convince him that I was in charge, not him!

In his defence he's probably used to people who want him to be the wise giver of advice and drugs, and so the role comes naturally.

But once I managed to interrupt enough times to get him to hear my story, the whole discussion changed.

Here's a summary of the last 15 minutes

1) He totally understood my desperate need to run, and he totally understood the euphoric feeling that  only comes with prolonged, demanding exercise.

2) He has no doubt that the mind controls the body to the point that it could self destruct my running, despite the absence of any physical limitation.

3)  He believes that anxiety, more often than depression is the culprit in these situations.

4) He believes that anti-depressant medications are the right answer in less than half of patients, and furthermore, that in a vast majority of them, it is simply placebo effect rather than the drug itself that helps.  That's the main reason he prescribes them....because people think they're gonna help!!  Holy cow!!

5) He believes that I am much better off exercising regularly than taking drugs, even if it's just vigorous walking.

6) In my specific case he accepts the possibility that I am unable to run, just because all my worry and anxiety has stolen my belief in myself.

7) When I explained that I would start to feel faint after 10 secs of running, but that my heart rate would not go up, he looked at me kinda funny.  Then he asked why I would think that my heart rate should go up in 10 secs, if indeed I was in any kinda shape?  Hmmm?  In his opinion the faint headedness had nothing to do with blood supply to my brain!!

7) He admitted to not being an expert, but if I didn't have concussion symptoms of headache, nausea, and dizziness in the week following my accident, that it's unlikely I had a brain injury.  I still may ask my family physician to see if he can get me a scan or something next time I see him, but I won't make a specific appt for the purpose.

8) And then he told me something I would never, ever expect to hear from a doctor of any speciality.  I actually started laughing.  His advice for when I get light headed and am about to faint?

"Just keep running until you fall down!  When you wake up, get up and run some more.  If you need to puke, then just puke, and keep running!"  It was at this point that he reconfirmed that I had seen a cardiologist, but once I reassured him, he went on to explain.  He said that if an anxiety has no basis in reality, then it needs to be faced head on.  He did in the end make the point that I should avoid falling down on gravel or pavement, so he's not a total masochistic monster.

Crazy eh??!!

In the end I kinda got a hint as to why he was so understanding.  He had his one hand in a cast, and after getting to know him a bit, I felt comfortable to ask him why?  He explained.....an accident in his martial arts class!!  Love it!

So I'm still processing all this. but I can tell you that without going off half cocked, I feel at least a bit of optimism.  Funny how most people furiously resist the idea that's it's all in their head, but that's exactly what I want to hear.  I'm actually quite proud of that, because it speaks to my open mindedness, and perhaps even to my intelligence?

And while I have no idea whether any of his advice will eventually lead me back to running, at the very least it has given me a resolve to start dealing with some of the tension in my life.  Either by making changes to those stressors I can, or by simply accepting them for what they are.

And that's it for now.  I promise more once I've had some time to think.

Oh....and not that it means anything....but I went out for a walk today, and of my 7.5 kms,  all but about 300 metres was jogging!!!

Anxiety does not empty tomorrow of its sorrows, but only empties today of its strength."---Charles Spurgeon

Love

Peter

"Not Quite a Waste of Time"

I have to take some time to think through my Dr's visit today before I share my thoughts.  My wish is to try to do a bike video tomorrow, weather and technology permitting.  For now I will say that he surprised me a bit.  He actually had me laughing, even though he didn't intend to.

Talk to you tomorrow.

One should only see a psychiatrist out of boredom."---Muriel Spark

Love

Peter

"Got Slushed"

I asked Michael the other day if he had ever considered doing his about town commuting on a bicycle.  His response; "sadly Dad, London is not Copenhagen."  Having spent some time there Michael can attest to the bike friendly nature of Denmark, and in contrast the unfriendliness of most Canadian cities.

Most recently a group of interested parties got together to try to make St Thomas and Elgin county an easier and safer place for 2 wheels, and while I admire their efforts I can attest to their failure.

You can put up all the signs you like, paint a million lines and instructions on the pavement, and not a thing is gonna change until you change the culture.  We are about 50 years away!

Much to my disappointment, it was a very crappy day for riding.  I thought with the rising temperatures it would be okay, but not so such so.  There were simply not many snow or ice free patches of gravel or pavement anywhere, and to top that off the air was filled with a fine, bone chilling sleet.  Really crappy!

I should have stayed home, and certainly many of the motorists out there agreed with me.  I should know better by now but I was really discouraged by the idiots today.  I got several annoyed honks, and even one person just leaning on it.  It so makes you wish that you could just have 5 seconds to look them straight in the eye and ask them why they have to take their misery out on others.  My favourite was the guy who seemed to purposely drive through the row of slush such that I just got plastered.  Nice!

As always however the joy of exercise outweighed the stupidity.  It was pretty hairy but I survived 24 kms without anything worse than a few close calls.  Unfortunately the video blog I recorded for you didn't work out, and in hindsight I was glad for it, as it was really pretty lame.

I'm kinda nervous tonite because tomorrow I go to see the psychiatrist, and I am not looking forward to it in any way.  I'm gonna do the best I can to tell my story, but to anyone who hasn't been there it's hard to understand.  I'm even gonna ask about the possibility of brain injury even though I don't think that's really their area of expertise or interest.  I'm gonna ask about my dreams as well.  I'll tell you as much about it as I'm comfortable doing so.

And that's it for today.  Life goes on.

"Toleration is the greatest gift of the mind; it requires the same effort of the brain that it takes to balance oneself on a bicycle."---Helen Keller

An interesting quote, mainly because I've never heard that word before.  It's meaning is slightly different than tolerance, but I'll let you look it up yourself.  We could use more of both in this world.

Love
Peter

"Happy Birthday Claudette"

I think she had a good day and so life is good!  Instead of taking a bunch of pictures I decided to just remember it.

I think it's a good thing when you come to the point of trusting each other with your special day.  I got her some flowers, a small gift from Colby, Kylie and I, and we had the neighbourhood here for pizza and cake.  She was content.

And true to her nature she also spent a great deal of effort in making other peoples day better, as a way of celebrating hers. Supporting her in that was what really made her happy.  I can't tell you about that part because it was a secret!!

"I Do"----Peter W Rooyakkers

Love
Peter

"Walking is to Pot"

"As running is to heroin"

I'm pretty sure that's called a simile.

However if I were to expand on it a bit.....And tell you that once you've tasted a more powerful drug, it's hard to go back to the softer one.  You may find it somewhat soothing, and yet the pull of the real thing is always there.  Also I could tell you that walking, like pot is generally harmless. and that running and heroine can have serious dangerous and addictive properties.

And If I were to go on about the parallels, I'm pretty sure it would be called an analogy.

But if I were really smart, which I'm not, I would find a short sentence that would sum it all up more figuratively and then it would be a metaphor!  I'll have to think about that.

Regardless of the right technical term the reality is that I have been slipping on my commitment to remain a walker.  Every day I go out there with the best of intentions, and as a matter of fact I managed 21.1 kms less than a week ago, without jogging a step.  And yet since then I have struggled. It's hard to describe, but there is a tangible mental pull that nags at me constantly when I walk.  And if I give in to it, almost immediately I can feel a strong mental and physical sensation.  It just feels good!  Or at least it feels good until it stops feeling good...

Today was the worst of all as I ended up jogging for more than half of my 10 kms, and to make matters worse, I didn't really feel badly at the end of it.  Mind you, I was forced to go very slow by the road conditions, and yet the last  kms were all jogging.

I think being unable to ride for the last several days probably made the pull worse as it left me with some more energy.

Honestly, right now I don't know where I'm going with this next.....hmmm.

Maybe if some one would come up with that metaphor for me, I would be inspired to do something smart...

But today I never cared anyway.  I had other stuff to do which is all explained here.

...and from one of the worlds totally insane people, and a man with a brain I envy, comes confirmation that punctation is important...

“We all need something to help us unwind at the end of the day. You might have a glass of wine, or a joint, or a big delicious blob of heroin to silence your silly brainbox of its witterings but there has to be some form of punctuation, or life just seems utterly relentless.” ---Rusell Brand

Love

Peter

"Tomorrow"

Love
Peter

"On Depression"

I'm sitting at the dance club where Kylie spends two hours and a bunch of our money every thursday evening.  No!  Not that kind of dance club!  She's 10 years old for crying out loud!  Anyway, I have been allowed the privilege of chauffeuring her for the last while since Roo has been working the early shift at the Post Office.  Despite the fact that the place seems to have no heat, and despite the fact that you have to watch that kids practice on a TV screen instead of live, and despite the fact that it gets near my bedtime before I get home, I have really started to enjoy this time.  I'm sitting here writing my blog and feeling pretty content.

And the point of that pointless paragraph is that I often have that feeling by this time of day.

And the point of that is that I did not feel that way this morning when I woke up.

Here's my description of my day, and in a general sense. it's fairly typical.

I wake up and open my eyes, usually around 5 or 6.  I often wake through the night of course, but my brain doesn't really turn on for those moments, so they don't count.  When I do wake enough to start feeling something, here's how I would describe it.

I am at the bottom of a muddy hole. I'm naked and alone.  I'm strangely tired.  I consider just burrowing in the mud, but just as I roll over I catch a glimpse of light.  I open my eyes fully, and while my immediate surroundings are still very dark, up above me I see a circle of daylight.  As my eyes adapt to my surroundings I gradually realize that the walls of the hole are slightly sloped, but that they are slick with mud. I ain't never getting out of here!!

I roll over and close my eyes again but not for long.  Deep down inside I know I can't accept the kind of quitting that would be, and so I look up and study my situation again.  Although I know it's gonna be a challenge, I also know I've climbed out of this hole before, and that I can do it again.  Besides, I know that at the top of the hole are all those things that keep me going.  All of my responsibilities, all of my passions, and above all else, all of my loved ones.

And so I drag my sorry ass out of bed and start my day,

Literally this means I get up and eat, and exercise, and drive my grandchildren around, and do my tasks etc etc, until the pain of first awakening pretty well subsides, and eventually I find myself at dance club, or relaxing in some other way, but generally feeling content

Figuratively it means that I scratch and claw and squirm, using toes, knees, elbows, fingers and even teeth to eventually drag myself over the rim of the hole, and park myself there at the edge.....totally exhausted, but alive and kicking.  Phew!

Then I go to sleep, and I dream, and I wake up!  Guess where?

And I ain't complaining, I'm just saying.  It's my problem to solve, and most of the time I still believe I will solve it.  I just need to keep working on making change.

Speaking of which, today I found myself backsliding a bit on at least one of changes I've already identified.  I'll leave that explanation for tomorrow..

What I will leave you with is a pic of me and my new friend.  Actually he will be Ky's new friend once she gets out of dance.  I often buy her affection with a small stuffy after her workout.  It works great thank you very much!

We look pretty good together eh?

.....this one hit me like the proverbial ton of bricks....

Depression is the inability to construct a future."---Rolio May

Love

Peter

"That Was a Long Drive"

Well rather a long sit I suppose.  I went to visit some old friends down Guelph way, and half way there the 401 came to a screeching halt. Two and a half hours parked between Ingersol and Woodstock before  the police let people get turned around, and drive the wrong way down the highway. Then of course more sitting around, as all the traffic was congested at the next exit....going backwards of course.  Apparently there was a collision involving trucks which ended up in flames that caused the closing.

So a totally waste day eh?  Not!  It just meant that I sent 5 hours with my friend Richard who was travelling with me.  Also known affectionately as Dr Dick,  Rich is one of the worlds great men.  I'm proud to be called his friend.

And fortunately I had yesterdays videos available for todays post and I think I can actually get them to upload.  I say videos plural. because at the last minute I decided to add an addendum.

Enjoy!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NrNCjQBeVDI

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UM75hfE88Ok

Love
Peter

"Frussssstrated!"

Tried all freaking evening to get my latest video uploaded.  Our internet is just so bad.  Somehow I'll get it loaded tomorrow, even if I have to go to Tim Hortons to do it.  ttyl

Love
Peter

"That Was a Long Walk"

I'm still amazed that I can't run.  It's gonna be a bit of work for me to finally accept that.  I am firmly committed to my decision to stop running in a literal sense, but to give up wanting to run is a little tougher.  My mind keeps searching for answers.  But not any answer mind you.  I want an answer that comes with a solution.  That's probably why I have been lukewarm on the post concussion syndrome suggestion that Ky made.  I don't actually think its a factor because I still trained and raced well after my crash in 2013, (an excellent marathon just  2 months later) but beyond that, it's a condition that they can't really do anything about.  I am starting to find myself grasping at straws, and I think there's a real danger of some hypochondria setting in if I don't stop.  It's my heart, it's my lungs, it's my thyroid, it's cancer. it's a brain injury,  yada yada yada

I did go see the ENT last week because I was spitting up a lot of blood, and of course we were worrying about you know what.  But all is good!   He stuck his scope down my nose and found only a post nasal drip problem which causes my constant cough, and lots of dried irritated skin which causes the bleeding.  Same old for me.  Just gotta keep it moisturized as well as possible.  The best way for that is to never sleep for more than 30 minutes at a time   :(

For now at least I gotta just accept things the way they are and try to solidify my life around that.  There are so many wonderful things to spend my time on, and I'm pretty sure my answer lies in making those things a priority, and let my exercise become a "normal" hobby.

One issue I will have no choice but to deal with however is my eating.  Like so many others eating becomes a stress reliever, and I could always get away with it when I was running enough.  That's why it's gonna be tough to deal with now.  Less running means less calories burned and more stress unrelieved.  I am determined that Elly is gonna help me solve this problem, so consider yourself on alert sister.

And so, it was a long walk.  I thought maybe I would stretch it out a bit today, and somehow managed to turn it into a half marathon. Is that normal?  I don't know.  Anyway, there's probably not too many 60 year old men that can walk that far, and I was also happy with my overall pace of 7:15.  That made for a 2 hour 33 minute walk.  That's a long walk.

And that's it for today.

"Walking is the best possible exercise. Habituate yourself to walk very far."---Thomas Jefferson

"Todays Top Ten"

The hardest part about this particular list was not coming up with 10 things, but rather with paring it down to ten.  Why? Because the list of things I learned from my grandson could go on forever.  I could also add to it with each passing day.

So here you go.  The top ten things I learned in the last 13 years from Colby.

10) It is literally impossible to exercise, or to regret having too much patience!

9) Despite occasional appearances to the contrary, anger never, ever achieves anything in the long run!

8) It is much easier to open ones mouth, than to keep it shut.

7) Never patronize a child.  Unlike adults, they will always smell you out,

6) Never say your'e sorry until you are!  Before that it's just another lie.

5) Two ice creams are always better than one!

4) Sparta/Union public school measures obedience, not intelligence.

3) You can imagine infinity, only if your brain has an infinite ability to learn. (that's why I can't!)

2) It is not always necessary to correct someones thinking, even when you're 100% sure they're wrong.

And the very most one-derful thing I have slowly learned from my grandson?

1)  It is actually possible for one to admit that he himself is wrong, and not immediately cease to exist!

...and your quote of the day comes from the young man himself.  This was on discovering that his grade 8 school skating trip did NOT fall on the same day he was to attend his first advanced grade 9 math class at the high school.  A class that mom and teachers went to some lengths to make happen...

"That's a relief grampa.  It would have caused lots of grief for the teachers and the bus drivers if I had to miss my first class"---Colby Andrew Rooyakkers

Love
Peter

"Told You!"

That I would make good use of my free day.
First I built this nice set of steps.

Actually I had some help from brother John but despite that it didn't take much longer, and everything went together.  His contribution was not falling down the stairs. Truthfully though, and John can confirm that at one point I thought I screwed up, but I was mistaken!

And then as promised I went to visit my other grandson.  We had a brief but delightful conversation. He told me that as soon as he has some hair he wants Kylie to colour it just like grampas!

Isn't he pretty?  Looks just like me eh?

"A baby is God's opinion that life should go on."---Carl Sandburg

"Never look backwards or you'll fall down the stairs."---Rudyard Kipling

Love

Peter

"Feedback"

Thanks so much for all the kind and supportive words.  I'm very happy to call my video post a success, because at least 6 people watched it.  I'm definitely gonna do it again, but I promise that it will be shorter next time, and hopefully a bit more scenic.  In case you were wondering like John was, why the camera was always pointed straight ahead, it's because it was strapped to my chest.  That I believe is why the audio was relatively audible, and I'm not so sure it would be so good if I strapped it to my helmet, or to the handlebars. Never the less, I'm gonna experiment with those options prior to my next video effort.

I actually find the experience of recording my thoughts that way very liberating.  Listening to it afterwards I was actually surprised how natural it seemed.  And what's really weird, is that I'm pretty sure I couldn't do the same thing sitting in my living room.  I suppose it's just another indicator of the value of the great outdoors, and of course of exercise.  And beyond that I guess, another proof of the power of the mind/body connection.

But as I started out saying, the very best part was the feedback, although some of it was a bit contradictory.  John said that I needed to keep improving or I would die, Mike said I should stop improving and just live, and Deb just wanted me to live, what ever it took! (thanks Deb).  Elly of course accepts me no matter what, but of course she has to because she's my big sister.

And special thanks to John for his dream input.  After giving his words some thought I am inclined to believe that dreams and their impact on an individual are a very personal thing.  For From my perspective the impact can be significant, and I do not believe it is always something I can simply choose to forget.  To counter John's powerful example of the person who watches their whole family perish and yet goes on to live a complete life, I give you the example of a person (perhaps just in their dreams) who rather than just watch this catastrophe, was the actual cause of it....on purpose!!!  I suggest to you that this dream would not be so easily forgotten.

In my case I tried to get Claudette to understand the horror of my dream, and I failed.  She couldn't get why I didn't get over it.  After all....just a dream right?  I so badly needed someone to understand, such that I finally broke down and blurted the details out to her.  I had to close my eyes to do so.....  Fortunately I live with the only person in the world who I could trust with this, and she got it right away.   She no longer questioned why I didn't just forget it.  I will never reveal this dream to anyone else, but trust me when I tell you that it ranked up there with my hypothetical example above. Like I said initially,  I didn't know it was possible to have such a dream, until I had one.  

The good thing is that I actually have an inkling of an understanding of what it was all about.  Even if I'm way off base it doesn't matter, because it's gonna motivate me to improve in an area I want to.  ....there's that self improvement thing again...

And that's it for today.  I have the weekend off because my eldest son came by to pick up his children for the weekend.  Some of you will know the enormous significance of that.

Maybe I'll go visit Izaiah.

...and this ones for you John...

“The function and duty of a quality human being is the sincere and honest development of one’s potential.”---Bruce Lee

Love

Peter

"Action Indicates Priority"

In other words, you can talk all you like about what you think is important, but unless you actually do something, your talk don't mean spit!

Same thing goes for change in general.  I say it's time for change, but if I'm honest with myself I still haven't actually started something.  I think most change comes with letting something go, and so after much deliberation I have decided.

I am giving up running!!  I am not even going to try.  I will walk.

I am also giving up swimming, other than in the backyard pool with my grandchildren.

That of course means, that I am giving up triathlon!!

Yup!  No more Ironman!!! Not even a half ironman, or any of the shorter distances!

And while I am not saying forever, because forever is a long time, I fully intend on getting my necessary fix through riding my various bicycles, and by getting back into a regular weight routine.  I truly love any kind of riding, and I'm lucky enough to have a resident expert to help me with the weights.

I can also assure you that I have enough stuff to keep me busy without the endless hours of ironman training, and I look forward to a summer of fence and garage building, without that added pressure.

One thing I'm not giving up at least for now, is blogging.  I think that's currently a good thing for me.

Roo found  todays quote for me.  I like it, but I don't like it.  Specifically because it makes me face the truth!!

"What you are afraid to do is a clear indication of the next thing you need to do."---Ralph Waldo Emerson

Love
Peter

"Wisdom"

That's the name of my post today, and of my video, and how appropriate; since true wisdom is not knowing all things, but rather knowing who to ask.  That's how I finally got my video together....I had Roo do it!  She's the guru on all things Youtube!

Before you have a look at it however, I want to warn you.  It is quite long (23 mins), and it may be boring as heck!  Please know that if you choose not to even open it, or if you give it up as a bad  cause after 2 mins, I will not think less of you.  Of course since there's no quiz, I'll never know anyway.

Also if you choose to invest your time , I recommend headphones or earbuds.

Also today I want to give a giant shout out to my dear Mexican friend Jacquelina!!  Thanks for checking in Jacky, and I will expect a picture of Isabella and her abuelos very soon!!

Here's the vid.

https://youtu.be/7aRB4sgaKQQ

Lastly, make sure you join me tomorrow when I will be advising you of the first significant change I'm making in my life.   After all, "it's time"!

"Knowledge comes, but wisdom lingers. It may not be difficult to store up in the mind a vast quantity of facts within a comparatively short time, but the ability to form judgments requires the severe discipline of hard work and the tempering heat of experience and maturity."---Calvin Coolidge

Love
Peter

"Darn!"

Tried my hardest to get my video posted but still unsuccessful.

I have not given up.

Love
Peter

"Ran Out of Day"

I had this long video blog planned, and while I managed to get it all filmed, I am having serious trouble editing it.  Just because I have no freakin idea what I'm doing.

So nothing world saving today Im afraid.

Had several nice comments about my hair while I was out today, and yes Gail, this is indeed one of the easy things.

Please come back tomorrow.  I need you.

...and here's a good one...

"Immature love says: 'I love you because I need you.' Mature love says 'I need you because I love you."---Erich Fromm

Love
Peter