"Yes, It's Been a While"

And it's gonna be a while longer yet.  Today I'm starting my 21 day gratitude exercise, and since that involves journalling every day, I think it will keep me busy enough.  I hope it turns out to be a useful undertaking, and while I don't think I will make any of it public, I promise to tell you how it leaves me feeling.  Grateful, hopefully.  Wish me luck!

Talk to you next year.  

Love

Peter

"Running For Exercise"

That may seem like a strange title but then I'm a strange person.

Here's how I came up with it.  As is now obvious from my posts of the last few weeks I've been struggling a bit with my emotional health...well okay....struggling a lot :)

But that's okay cause I'm doing everything I can to fix it, and I got lots of support, so I bet I get through it.

Meanwhile "getting through it" is a challenge, especially as relates to the drugs.  I don't know how they effect others but for me they are pretty frustrating for the first while.  It seems like they make me more tired, more anxious, and more depressed.  Yes. Yes.  I know!  That's gonna go away pretty soon, and if I was a different person I would just wait patiently for "pretty soon" to happen.

The thing that scares me a bit is that I haven't felt like exercising since I started taking them, and as I have probably mentioned before, that's no good for me.

But I've also pointed out before that the good habits, or the obsession if you will, that I have developed over the last 8 years now stands me in good stead, because somehow I mange to drag my self out there most days.

True to that, I got dressed this morning and headed outside, strictly with the intention of doing something.  Walking, jogging, sightseeing, whatever.

And whether it's a good thing or not I always wear my GPS and my heart rate strap, so I can collect all the useless data.  As I started out today, barely running at a 7 min/km pace, it occurred to me that what I was doing was probably the very best thing possible.  I was doing the best I could with what I had today.  I was outside in the fresh air, and I was getting my heart rate up!

So it occurred to me to ask myself why I was even monitoring my pace or my heart rate, and I instinctively knew the answer.   I was wearing the technology because I'm always in competitive mode.  Perhaps just with myself, but it's always there.  Always thinking about making a comeback, always thinking about previous standards, always thinking about what if, and maybe!!!

And that's when it hit me.  What if I went out running each day with no purpose other than the exercise?  With no motive other than improving my health; physical, emotional and spiritual???

I know it seems ludicrous that this is a revelation to me because normal people generally exercise for their health, but I'm a slow learner.

Anyway, that's what I learned today, and if I remember it tomorrow, I will try to do the same thing.  The beauty of it is, that I know that sometimes it's better for my health to go slower, so perhaps this new attitude will remove one stressor from my daily routine.

It also probably means that I won't be doing much bike riding for a while, just because it's such a pain to prep for that.  And I think that's okay too.  If I can jog for 30-40 minutes, 5 or 6 days a week, I'm pretty sure that'll keep my veins open.  Life is good, if challenging at times.

"You're in pretty good shape for the shape you are in."---Dr Seuss

Love
Peter

"Slow Day"

The only dead mouse today was one that's been dead for a while.  He was starting to stink and that's when Roo remembered where I put that trap a few weeks ago!!  Oh well....good thing they start stinking so's that you can find them  :)  But like I said, no new dead ones, and no disturbance of the peanut butter.  It is possible that we've arrived at the end for this year.  I lost count some time ago, but I think I killed at least a dozen.

And it was a slow day in other regards as well.  I continue to feel like I'm moving through quicksand, and I absolutely hate the feeling.  I fell asleep shortly after lunch, and never managed to really wake up completely until nearly 5:00.  I'd be okay with that if I didn't feel like I was wasting my life away. I did manage to get my 5K walk/jog in, but I should probably have tried to spend more time outside.  Tomorrow.

Thank goodness we're getting close to the winter solstice cause I'm already way past appreciating darkness at 5 pm.  Oh for the days when I travelled to the southern hemisphere during these months.

And that's all I got for today.  Peace, joy and happiness!

...and the Duke would be okay with my brevity....

"Talk low, talk slow and don't say too much."---John Wayne

Love
Peter

"Slow Learner"

You may recall earlier this year during one of my video blogs that I was complaining of the stupidity of the statement, "hope for the best, expect the worst"!

I was immediately reprimanded for my negative attitude, and furthermore, advised by more than one person that I had the expression wrong.  Apparently it's supposed to be, "prepare for the worst, expect the best".

Well okay then.  While I still think that the idea of preparing for the worst can be self fulfilling, it certainly is a lot more positive expression than my version.

And while I have been a bit slow in applying the better version in my life, I think I managed to do it over the last few days.

When I broke another tooth the other day I was pretty upset, but I got a grip quickly.  Perhaps because I knew that letting myself fall into despair like I did with the initial problem two weeks ago, and then once again a week ago with the bridge, wasn't going to achieve anything.

So I accepted that losing the tooth was highly probable (it felt extremely loose), but by now I knew enough about various procedures that it allowed me to focus on possible solutions.

So it was with a pretty good attitude I headed to the dentist for the 6th time in 2 weeks!!!

Guess what?

I still have the tooth, temporarily repaired.  It is quite loose but not broken into the root.

And I go back next Friday to start working on a fairly extensive bridge that will encompass 3 remaining teeth, as well as replace a missing one on that side.  If all goes well it will give me a good chewing surface on one side at least, and then after that I can still consider an implant on the other side.  The best part is that it should give extended life to the three existing teeth, all of which are in pretty rough shape.  It should preempt any more of the crumbling problem.   Needless to say, this most recent broken one is one of those that will now be protected.

So while I'm a slow learner I'm trying to apply my new attitude towards the way I feel physically.  I'm reminded once again why I hate drugs, because they have me feeling like I'm moving through quicksand.  I have been unable to manage my 5K for several days now, which simply is not acceptable.  Starting tomorrow I'm going to make sure I at least walk it, and I'm gonna "expect" that in another week or so the drug side effects wear off.

I think I also mentioned that the doctor wanted to see me again, and I already knew why after seeing my blood tests.  It seems I have a mild loss of kidney function which is probably just from the chemo drugs of years ago, and that we'll have to monitor it.  My blood pressure was also quite high when I was in his office, and so I promised to monitor that daily for a while and check back with him in the new year.

On an aside, I wonder how most doctors feel about the fact that many patients have access to the results of their lab tests at the same time as the doctor, if not sooner.  The stuff is just a few clicks away.  I suspect that in some cases it causes lots of stress for both doctor and patient, but I like to believe that for me it is beneficial to go to my appointments with the data already known.

And speaking of clicking, Xmas shopping has become such a joy has it not?  I'm pretty well done, the only major remaining decision being whether to buy socks online, or to get them at Costco during our next regular trip  :).

And today, I am immensely, immensely, immensely grateful that I have the means to pay for my dental care.  There are millions upon millions of people in our world who would simply have to accept what came, to the point of not having any teeth at all, not even artificial ones.  And as I have that thought, I'm a little ashamed of my whining.  Sorry everyone....
.....and thank you lord for thinking about me....

....and while this may seem like a simple thought, I'm not very good at it....

"Your mind will answer most questions if you learn to relax and wait for the answer."---William S Burroughs

Love
Peter

"Quiet As A Mouse"

Yes, I took a day off, but I have an explanation.  You see, I've been meditating. Considering the state of the universe, and the ultimate fate of man. I've been thinking great thoughts, and dreaming big dreams.   I have been pondering my place in the universe, and wondering what I might do in my next life.

And after two whole days of that, the only thing I have become certain of, is that in my next life I will come back with a new set of teeth!

Which brings me to the truth of the matter; the real reason that I chose not to post yesterday.  You see I had started the post but decided that the world didn't need any of the negative I was gonna spew into it, and I figured I needed the time out.

And you may have guessed that my venom would have been related to my teeth again.  Believe it or not, shortly after I posted my blog on Monday I broke another tooth!!!!!  I couldn't effin believe it!!  So sorry, but It felt like a kick in the teeth!! I didn't even realize right away that it happened. It was only in hindsight that I realized that it must have when I was chewing a couple of antacid tablets.  I wasn't trying to open a beer bottle, or bite the head off a chicken, just doing normal stuff.  And I'm pretty sure that the tooth is broken right through the root, and it will have to come out!!

So of course it's leaving me wondering whee it all goes from here.  I suspect that the back ones at least are all going the same route, whether due to the radiation or not I don't know.  I will do whatever needs dome with this one (I go in tomorrow) and then I will get a referral to the people who do implants.  That will take months, I already checked, but believe it or not it can be done right here in St Thomas.

And I don't know if I mentioned it but implants are probably the only possible option for me.  He told me that a dental plate with my level of saliva will be near impossible to wear, due to friction and hygiene.  Unless you've lived without it, it's hard to understand the role of saliva in keeping your mouth clean, and lubricated....spit is slippery!

So there you have it, if you care.  I'm actually pretty pleased with how I've handled this little bit of joy.  After an initial spiral I've managed to hold my own.  More tomorrow.

Oh, and my doctor wants to see me again tomorrow.  Something about my potassium being too high. I'm not too concerned, but I gotta humour him.  I may have to stop eating 3 or 4 bananas a day. :)

"The quieter you become, the more you can hear"---Anon

Love
Peter

"In a Funk"

I'm pretty sure that the drugs they give you to improve your energy and your mood do the exact opposite for a while.  I'm also pretty damn sure it's not gonna last too long, one way or another.  It has already interfered with my runs, and that of course is totally counterproductive.  I'm gonna give it til Xmas and then reevaluate.

But...despite those negative thoughts,, I'm building on the other good stuff that's happening.  Only 3 weeks til the counselling starts, (just before Xmas), and I'm really looking forward to Xmas itself.  I have not been able to say that for many years now.

But my temporary funk leaves me with little to say today other then I love you all so much, and am indeed grateful....just not enough yet.

I am grateful for this gratitude book I am reading, so today I will share a bit of wisdom from it instead.  The author says that humility is  critical aspect of gratitude, and he offers a sort of checklist to use in your path to humility.  Here you go.  The author credits the list to one Paul Wong

"Acknowledging our wrongdoing

Receiving correction and feedback graciously

Refraining from criticizing others

Forgiving others who have wronged us

Apologizing to others we have wronged

Enduring unfair treatments with patience and a forgiving spirit

Thinking and speaking about the good things of other people

Rejoicing over other people’s success

Counting our blessings for everything, good and bad

Seeking opportunities to serve others

Being willing to remain anonymous in helping others

Showing gratitude for our successes

Giving due credit to others for our successes"

"Treating success as a responsibility to do more for others

Being willing to learn from our failures

Assuming responsibility for our failures

Accepting our limitations and circumstances

Accepting the social reality of discrimination and prejudice

Treating all people with respect regardless of their social status

Enjoying the lowly status of being an outsider and a nobody'

Hmmmm.....not a wonder there's not much gratitude in my life.  I'm afraid that a few of these I'm okay at, a bunch more I'm not very good at, but the biggest slice I really suck at....

Here's one just for my mirror!

"A sarcastic person has a superiority complex that can be cured only by the honesty of humility."---Lawrence G Lovasik

Love

Peter

"Holding My Own"

Some days it feels okay just to know you didn't backslide.  My face is sore from the dentist, which makes me nervous, my stomach is sensitive from the drugs, which I should have expected, and my run was a major struggle, which I really think is also from the drugs.

Oh well.

Holding my own.....all things are hard before they are easy.

While I'm not much of a swimmer, I can tread water for a long time.

As sister Elly would say, "I'm doing the best I can, with what I got today".

"Without hard work, nothing grows but weeds."---Gordon B Hinckley

Love
Peter

"Live Mice"'

I'm just sticking with my theme.   It occurred to me that maybe I could get a live trap instead of all this savage butchery.  But then I would still have the problem of relocating them, and there's no way I'm gonna get in my truck and drive 5 kms down the road just to free them.

But!

Maybe?

I could put them in little mouse boxes, wrap them up, put a stamp on the box, and send them off as pets for my grandson.  Eureka!!!  I would of course put some vent holes in the box, and send them express.  I'm not a complete barbarian you.  I hope Izaiah enjoys them.  How many do you think he would you like Lish?

I can joke because I'm in a joking mood.  While I'm still pretty anxious, I have had the best day and a half that I've had for a while.  Lots of reasons for that, not the least of which is the fact that I'm taking some steps.  I've started all 3 drugs (yikes!!!) I booked an appt with the head shrinker for Dec 21 (that's not bad I think), my blood work came back and as expected the TSH is off the scale.  It sits at 50 and the maximum is supposed to be 4! And the best part was that I spent 2 solid hours in the dentists chair and I think I got my teeth fixed.

And I might add.  He and his assistant did the work after regular hours were over.  Two intensive hours which involved 2 root canals, and a complete restoration of the bridge with 2 stainless posts and several smaller titanium pins.  I'm still anxious over it, but with my bit of technical know how I think it's gonna hold.  I made him show me every part as he added it, as well as most of the tools he used.

And speaking of medical professionals I am very much looking forward to seeing this psychologist.  Why for the life of me Psychiatrists can bill Ohip, but Psychologists can not I don't understand.  Anyway, I know that psychologists can't offer me any drugs, so they gotta make me better just by talking to me, and that's what makes me excited.

But I think the most important thing I did today was a task for Roo that took me half of the day.  And the good feeling didn't come from the simple act of doing the task (I do lots for her, as she does for me), but the importance of this particular little project is that it was something I didn't want to do.  I was resisting it for the simple reason that it was something I couldn't see merit in.

Idiot!  I resisted a stupid little job, that I knew damn well would bring her much pleasure!  And all just because I thought I knew better.  Of course, that's what made the whole thing significant.  The fact that I realized  I was being an idiot, and just got it done!  It was so rewarding to apologize for not having done it sooner.  And since I surprised her with it while she was out delivering mail, it had the added bonus of enjoying her surprise.

Oh, one more thing.  And this is something that's kinda new in our lives, since we've only become empty nesters recently, but two of our children came by just for a visit today.  Nice.

I can say with some gratitude that today I'm feeling some gratitude  :)

"When it comes to life the critical thing is whether you take things for granted or take them with gratitude."---Gilbert K Chesterton

Love
Peter

"Dumb as a Mouse"

Today's mouse didn't have the wisdom to lay his head down properly and as such he didn't get a quick execution.  Instead he only had one leg trapped, and he was futilely  chewing  away at both the trap and his leg.  Every once in a while he would try to go somewhere trap and all, but the little divides in the ceiling tiles prevented that.  His remaining life was gonna be spent in that one little 2' X 2' square space! That's why I try to faithfully check the trap every day, since the poor mouse is obviously in pain, and unable to die quickly.

That's the way that I've felt over the last little while.  I've managed to keep my neck out of the guillotine, but I'm caught in a leg trap instead.  It hurts....a lot, but there doesn't seem to be any answer to that.  I try and try to will my body to take me someplace, but I don't get much past my own neighbourhood in a literal sense, or beyond my own mind space in a more figurative way.

My idea was to show you a little video of the poor rodent struggling, but number one, you couldn't see the pain in his eyes, (but he never blinked) and number two it would have been cruel to let him live too long.  I took him outside and pounded his head with a 2X4.

But he's a freakin little rodent with a brain perhaps the size of one of his turds so you can't really blame him for eating the peanut butter, or furthermore being unable to get himself out of the trap.

I on the other hand have a brain way bigger than the size of one of my own turds and as such should be smart enough to get me out of this crap.  Today I took a few steps, I think.

First off I was totally motivated this morning by an almost sleepless night.  One manywonder how one could be motivated by lack of sleep but basically I knew that I couldn't tolerate one more like that.  It wasn't just lack of sleep.  It was a night of pain.  I can not, no, I will not go on this way.  Of course my current state of mind was exacerbated by the dental circus that's been going on, and although that should be minor in comparison, it's been like the proverbial burr under the saddle.

So here's what I did.  First off I tried staying under the covers as long as I could.  At about 9:30 I headed out to the doctors office, a professional whom I respect so much professionally, and like so much personally.

He's so kind and sympathetic.  I laid out the story for him.  I'm getting my blood work done, and if my TSH is low (it will be) I am going back to taking the thyroid medication that I stopped 3 months ago.  I don't think it will help me at all, but since it won't hurt me either, I will humour those in my life who think it may (including my doctor) and take the little green pill once a day.  Next, I'm gonna start taking an anti-depressant called Zoloft.  Apparently it was one of the earlier ones on the market, its biggest allure being the relatively minor side effects.  Again, I am very sceptical about this, but I know the giant pharmaceutical companies wouldn't mislead me.  The proof of its efficacy lies in how much it costs.  It's gotta work!!! We shall see.  If it doesn't make me feel sick or discourage me from exercise, I'll give it a shot.   I now also have at my disposal a sedative called Lorazepam, a drug I've taken before, and which I really like for getting to sleep.  I will only take it when I feel the need.  Finally I'm gonna go see a psychologist that he knows personally, and that he recommends.  That's gonna cost lots of money but after a bit of rationalization I came to terms with it.  I simply won't buy a new bicycle this coming year.  That combined with what I save on cigarettes and beer should get me a few sessions.

And lastly I'm sure you're all interested in the ongoing saga of my face.  The new proposal makes sense to me, and I will monitor his work at ever step, even if I have to bring my own mirror.  What will happen now is a root canal on both of the broken off teeth.  Then an inert material put into the bottom of the canal, topped off by a stainless steel post.  My existing bridge will then be adhered to those 2 posts.  Should work!

That's the technical part.  The human element goes like this.  If he didn't have good answers today I was gonna tell him I wanted to think about it, and then go somewhere else.  Lo and behold, he talked to his assistant who is a remarkable professional, and they both agreed to work late tomorrow to try and do the whole thing.  This for me is a godsend, because the biggest beef I have with him is that he juggles way too many patients, and as such doesn't stay focused.  With both of them working together without interruptions, I feel pretty good.  The funny thing is, that I'm kinda getting used to the missing teeth; there's something kind of humble about it, and although eating is a bit "frustrating" I think I could survive like this for a week or two.  At one point I was kind of counting on it to sucker my chef friend Deb into making me a hole bunch of soups and stews, so there's a lost opportunity.  Damn!

So in summary, last night was one of the worst nights of my life, the day time was a bit better, and sitting here this evening I am actually feeling a little bit grateful.  Only a touch mind you since like most things it's gonna take practice.  Those thing that I am a little bit grateful for are

My wife (more than a bit)
My family doctor
My dental assistant....okay, okay...maybe the dentist too
Money
Canada
Lorazapam....it does exactly what it claims with no subjectivity
My son Peters ongoing sobriety.
Xmas shopping (yes I really enjoy trying to find the right things)
Mousetraps

"Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart."---Steve Jobs

"Man is the only kind of varmint sets his own trap, baits it, then steps in it."---John Steinbeck

Love
Peter

"Do MIce Have Eyelids?"

I don't know!  All I know is when I grab them by the tail to release their squashed little necks from the trap, their eyes are wide open.  I suppose I could take a toothpick or something to probe around to see if they're just open in shock, or if indeed they just don't have lids.  I'll tell you this.  If they have this anatomical trait, they certainly aren't nothing like mine.  It's damn clear that I have eyelids, even though many of my friends would tell you that I've gone through life with them squeezed shut!  Not that it matters it seems, as the mice kept theirs wide open, and yet the allure of that bit of peanut butter still ended in tragedy.

I considered adding a few pics of the aforementioned tragic events because it's pretty cool to see the various poses they end up in, the only common aspect being the open eyes thing.  But if I had done that Alisha would probably have stopped reading my blog, and since she's the mother of my grandson, I can't afford to piss her off  :)

I've had lots of opportunity to consider this small mystery this year, as we seem to have a higher than usual winter invasion.  Either that, or I'm getting better at catching them.  One of the joys of living in the country I suppose.  I don't know where they get in, and haven't really worried about it, but maybe next summer I'll do a good analysis.  It may be futile however, as we live in a sided house, and the little fuckers don't need much of a crack to squeeze through.


But back to my question.  Do mice have eyelids and why do I care?  Well I don't actually.  I couldn't care less if they have eyes, or brains, or even souls.  All I care about is that they don't live in my house, shitting in the ceiling, or chewing the wiring.  It's not a personal thing, and if they were only house trained I would have no problem with a few of them as house guests.

But while I don't care about mice eyelids, here's something I do care about.

Is it okay for me to get up at 8:00 on a Tuesday morning, have a leisurely breakfast, got for a 5km jog, come back and shower, then have some lunch, sit in an easy chair and read for a couple of hours, have a nap, and then contemplate whether or not I'm gonna to anything productive today, or just do some more of the above?

Is it okay?

My mind says it's okay.  After all, I sure don't do it every day.  I live a busy life.  I try to keep my chores in order, and I try to think of stuff that may add value to those around me.  I never let things get into a state of disrepair, other than perhaps my emotional health. I'm 61 years old and have spent at least 2/3rds of them working fairly hard.  My wife is out earning our daily bread now, doing something she enjoys while I'm catching mice on her behalf, so that seems fair.  My children are all grown up and independent, and while I don't really think I did a good job of helping them get there, I did have the wisdom of marrying Roo to do so.

Is it okay?

Yes I'm sure it is!

Oh wait!

That's a lie!

If I was sure, then I wouldn't have this sense of unease, this sense of guilt, this sense of time wasted.

Damn!  It really pisses me off  when my rational mind tells me that not just is it okay, as the saying goes, it's more than okay.  I am not a lazy person!  If I would let myself do this when I felt like it, I think I would be a healthier, happier, and even a more useful human being.  And isn't that our purpose in life??

More work to do I guess.  I'm gonna start by focusing on this gratitude thing.  I think I mentioned that I downloaded a book called Gratitude Works, and so far I really like it.  It's fairly theoretical at first but promises to move into a practical 21 day exercise.  That probably appeals to me because of my left brain tendencies, and I suppose it could have the added bonus of giving me the task satisfaction that I seem to need.

We shall see.  I promise to keep you posted as I go through it.  Could be interesting.

On practical matters I must tell you that my run was interesting today.  I felt fine heading out the driveway until half way down when I suddenly knew I was gonna have a brown out.  I have had a few over the last month, always right at the start, but in all cases once I let it subside it went away and never came back.  When I got back, my watch automatically downloaded my data to the internet, which when I think about it, is kinda scary.  Never the less, I had a look at it just because I wanted to see whether I managed to improve my pace over the duration of the 5 kms.

The little application has graphing functionality, and this is what I seen when I combined pace with heart rate.

The shaded grey is pace so you can clearly see where I stopped completely for 15 seconds or so.  What's freaky as hell is the red line......you guessed it, my heart rate.  I'm not saying that it was any kind of serious heart event because I think you have a great deal of pain when that happens, but there is absolutely no question that the brownout happened at the exact same time as the watch showed this.  In case you were wondering, the app also shows precisely where I was in the driveway at the time, using its mapping capability, which confirms the timing of the event.  Did my heart skip a beat, maybe even 2 or 3?  I considered the idea that it maybe lost connectivity when I bent over, but that would be unusual. I will try to test that tomorrow.

I ain't worrying over this mind you, I actually just found it interesting.  And I also found it interesting that as long as I let myself recover for those few seconds, afterwards it was like it never happened.  I'll pay better attention next time, if indeed there ever is a next time.

Big day tomorrow.  I see both my doctor and my dentist in the morning, and while I don't expect to learn anything of direct value from either one of them, perhaps going through the motions will trigger my own brain into taking some affirmative action.

"The early bird may get the worm, but it's the second mouse that gets the cheese."---Jeremy Paxman

....and this is totally unrelated but as soon as I seen it I had to share.....lmfao

"On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart's desire at last, and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron."---H. L. Mencken

I had to look this guy up and although he seemed like quite a moron himself, he certainly nailed this one with some foresight.  He died 60 years ago!

And I thought I was all done for today and ready to post, but then this happened, and I couldn't quite leave.

Didn't I try hard to say some nice things about him the other day??

I'm trying to be grateful!

Love
Peter

"Long Pants"

It's been a self imposed rule that I've held myself to for as long as I've been running.  That is; no long pants until it goes below zero!  Roo used to follow the rule as well, but she's getting older you know, so I've tried to be tolerant when I see her cheating. Not me though!  If I can be called anything, stubborn is it.

The funny thing is that I have no problem following my rule at the end of autumn, but it seems so different come spring time.  Zero degrees is just so much colder then, and in fact, I don't have the same rule in the spring.

Regardless, long pants signifies another changing of the seasons for me, and while this first snow initially annoyed me, once I went running in it I quickly changed my tune.  Yesterday I was complaining that I was getting too old for this crap, but after my run I was back to appreciating my Canadian home.  Most people realize that without winter we wouldn't enjoy our beautiful summers as much, but indeed that can work both ways.  While I actually like walking/running/riding when it's hot as hell, there is just something exhilarating about a nice easy jog on a day like today.  It doesn't even matter that it's overcast and windy, because somehow, communing with nature in any form is gratifying.

And whoops!  There's that word again.  Gratitude!  And yes, I can honestly say that today I am grateful that I still have two feet, and that I'm still capable of putting one in front of the other.  Truly, I can't imagine a life without regular exercise.  Which makes me grateful for the sheer addiction of running, because if it was not so deeply ingrained in me, my recent struggles would surely have ended that part of my life.  Stubborn it is!

And as to my run today, it was only 5 kms, and it took me a full 30 mins.  That being said it didn't feel too hard which was good, as I was a bit nervous after doing 10 kms on Saturday.   As to the 6:00/km pace, I would be happy to maintain that and gradually increase the distance.  I am not gonna over empathize that however, as my real goal is just to start running effortlessly.  I am 100% convinced now that the only way to do that is to go slower when it hurts, regardless of what the clock says.   I used to think it was impossible to go this slow and still call it running, but I'm reminded of another word I use often.  Relative.  Everything is relative.

Lastly for today, a couple of big shout outs. First to my son Michael who continues to inspire me.  Please go back and read his comment on my previous post, and see if you can understand why.  And secondly I wish to bring to your attention the other exception to the rule that all Rooyakkers are idiots. My beautiful, kind sensitive niece, Jesse Roo. I am positive that somehow she sensed my low mood this morning right across the ethernet, so she sent me a brief little love note to cheer me on.  Amazing gift!  Amazing young lady.  Thanks young Roo.

...and if the goal is happiness, I think we need  to continually reconsider the path...

"Many are stubborn in pursuit of the path they have chosen, few in pursuit of the goal."...Friedrich Nietzsche

Love
Peter

"Wasn't The First, Won't Be The Last"

Failure that is.

And yet what is failure?  It's been often expressed as not getting up after having fallen down, and I suppose that based on that definition I'm still hanging in there.

What I was referring to however was my test of the other day, as to how I would handle the latest little mini crisis with my teeth.  I did okay for most of the day simply by distracting myself.  After calling the dentist and once again being impressed by their accommodation and scheduling a visit for first thing in the morning, I undertook my grandfatherly duties with Ky.  We went shopping, went to dance, and even sandwiched between that (no pun intended), a nice little dinner at a local restaurant.  I say, no pun intended, because a sandwich would have been impossible! :) It was hard even to manage my pasta with only 7 top teeth and very sore gums, but I managed  to swallow most of it down.

Actually I'm pretty sure that investing that time in my princess helped tremendously in keeping my mind off of my own trivial problems.  Her shopping was for stuff to putt in her care packages for the less advantaged, and watching the joy she took in this exercise was in itself uplifting.  Mind you she was doing it with my money, but I know it had nothing to do with that.  She was just happy that some other little girls were getting some of the good things that she takes for granted.  Things like toothbrushes, and shampoo, and hats, and even a few fun little things like bracelets and hair ribbons.  Despite her realatively affluent situation, or perhaps in her case because of it, Ky has no problem empathizing with someone across the world, who may not have a brush for her hair.  I feel very proud of her.

And so the rest of my day went.  You will recall that neither of my grandchildren noticed my 3 missing teeth, and I suggested that there was a message in there.  I think however that it took until the next day for me to really understand the significance of that.  I looked in the mirror and seen a man who seemingly turned 20 years older, and I may add, seemed to suddenly display the ravages of my cancer treatments to an alarmingly degree.  And probably as well, my genetic predisposition to crinkly skin, that while it always seemed to only add to the natural beauty of my mom, as it does to my sisters now, seemed to do the exact opposite to me.  When the mirror told me all these things, and then compounded them with the missing teeth, it struck me as an image of an old dutch immigrant that you might see in a magazine article about WWII.......

So while at first I wondered why the kids didn't see the same thing, sometime the next day it hit me.  And like being buried by proverbial ton of bricks, I knew why.  It's because when my grandchildren look at me they don't even see my face.  They just see me!!!!  I could wear a bag over my head and while that may take them a second to figure out, once they did, they would go on treating me the same way they always have.  I think this is really a miraculous thing.  These children react to the person they know, and their eyes simply don't change that reality.  They literally look right past my face and into the soul they know behind the face.  That's why Colby had absolutely no hesitation in making a joke at my expense.  He trusts me that I can take it, just because he knows his grampa too well to even hesitate. I think I can take some pride in them for this, but I also think I can take some pride in it for myself.  Who's positive judgment of a man could he wish for, before that of his grandchildren??  Amazing!!

So indeed, from about 2:30 in the afternoon on I was in charge.  Successfully meeting the challenge I suppose.  Passing the test if you will.  Keeping first things first, and focusing only on things I could control. But then came the dreaded night time.  The time of the demons.  The time for my daily regression.  Even at that, I managed to hang in there until about 3 am when I was finally overcome.  It was at that point that my irrational fears took over, and I did nothing but toss and turn until daybreak. And while I don't tell you this to garner any sympathy I want to try to express to you how it felt.  No sympathy no, but perhaps a little understanding of the battle that lies ahead for me.  A battle that the eternal (internal) optimism still believes I will win.  Also because it's good for me to write it down, if for no other reason than I think that's where any recovery starts.  It starts with an acceptance of the seriousness of the situation.

You see, at 3 o'clock in the morning I know darn well that my life is blessed.  I know darn well that I am loved.  I know darn well that there is a higher power, perhaps not watching over me per say, but at least being there as a guide if I wish to embrace her/him/it.  Based on all this you would think that when a man wakes up at 3 o'clock in the morning, that he could get up and take a whiz, get a drink of water, crawl back into bed, maybe reach out and give his honey a squeeze on the butt, and then go back to sleep.

That's not what happens to me.  Let me see if I can describe an indescribable feeling using the limited tool of written words.

"It's like a blast of cold obscuring fog.  It grabs my head and wraps around my brain.  It literally feels like something dark and ominous has grabbed my very being.  I cringe inside the all encompassing clench it has imposed on me, and I try to make myself small.  In both a literal and figurative sense I assume the fetal position.  I am interested only in survival, and that only because there are no other options?  Somehow, someway, I manage to escape back into sleep, while at the same time feeling like a little bit of me has died.  Sleep lasts sometimes for minutes, sometimes longer, and then guess what?  It starts over!!!

I think it's not a wonder that I wake up tired.  And when the daylight announces that it is indeed time for that, I usually manage to get moving, if for no other reason than to end the sleep/wake cycle.  I often eat my breakfast in bed but that's only because I'm still tired, but also hungry.  That never goes away it seems  :(

Next week I will call my doctor.  He may not be able to help me, but unlike my dentist, my trust in him runs deep.

That's it I think.  I'm gonna read this one more time to see if it makes much sense but I feel exhausted by the telling.  I will briefly report on a few other  more mundane things however.

First off....dog boy.  I think in my last reference to him I mentioned that we had him on the run.  Roo and I had a very emotional episode with him that almost ended in violence.  I so badly wanted to punch him right in the effin mouth, but I've never actually started a fight in my life, and I wasn't about to do the dumb thing now.   That episode culminated in Roo having a long interview with a friendly police officer who promised to do all she could (which wasn't much), but who also strengthened her resolve to deny the bastard his bullying.  I am so proud to tell you that today she beat him.  I really believe that aggressively standing up to him was a much bigger factor than anything the cop said to him.  Today he leashed the chasing dog as soon as he seen her, and before she got there he had the other one in his grasp as well.  In the past he has never even made the slighted attempt to control either one of them.  On the contrary, he always encouraged his dogs to be aggressive.  This time, although he still yapped a bit (the man, not the dogs) he didn't dare let his mongrels loose.  And I want you to know that it would have been very easy for Roo to avoid him altogether because she seen him in time, but she made the brave choice to stick with her planned route.  For her to face this idiot alone, as well as facing her long term fear of dogs in general, is nothing short of a life altering experience.  She's still floating around in her new found sense of freedom and control.   Grandmothers-1/Dog Boys-Nil.   Feeling proud!!

Secondly, I have to give my dentist some credit.  I think that in reality his only downfall is that he rushes.  I have always known that he was very skilled technically, and in hindsight that is why I've been loyal to him.  I admire technical skill when I witness it. If he would only take a little more care he can do anything.  I was once again impressed in his ability to find a solution to my problem, and to even get the bridge back in.  True to the other problem however, it's not in quite right.  Oh well, a little bucktoothedness will help keep me humble.

Lastly, one other point of business.  A few weeks ago I told you of my plan to find lots of fun runs in the interest of breaking through my mental running block.  That plan was at least temporarily delayed by the tooth infection and the entire following saga, and in the interim I have re-thought it a bit.  First off it started to seem a bit ludicrous to get up early (which I hate), and to pay for the privilege of running (crazy!), when right outside my front door are miles and miles of safe roads.  My new plan is to continue with my regular 5 km run interspersed with the occasional bike ride, but once a week try to run a bit further.  The emphasis during those longer attempts will be exclusively on slow and steady.  Towards that end, I ran 7.5 kms last saturday, and today I somehow managed 10!!!  As my dad used to say, 'slow as molasses in January', but just like the same molasses, relentless.

And once again someone else has better words than me.

"That's the thing about depression: A human being can survive almost anything, as long as she sees the end in sight. But depression is so insidious, and it compounds daily, that it's impossible to ever see the end. The fog is like a cage without a key."---Elizabeth Wurtzel

But beyond the pleasure I took in Elizabeths words a very uncanny thing happened.  You see, in my search for a quote my key word was "fog", without any reference to depression.  The absolute very first result was this quote.  I was stunned.  I find it ominous, in a good way.   Thank you God, thank you Elizabeth, and thank you for the World Wide Web!!

Love

Peter

"I Failed, Part Deux"

But I'm way too tired to explain.  I promise I will tomorrow.  For now I leave you with this.

....and this...

"Do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Let the day's own trouble be sufficient for the day."---Jesus Christ

Love

Peter

"This is a Test??"

My convo with Gail yesterday inspired me to give more thought to the concept of gratitude.  I had tons of ideas throughout the day that I was gonna share, in what was sure to be an inspirational post.  I would have talked about my belief that true gratitude is the ultimate state of happiness, and that there have been times in my life that I have felt it.  I would have given examples.  I would have written about what I view as  the difference between thankfulness and gratitude.  I would have explained that instead of feeling grateful, I often just feel like I should be grateful, without ever getting there.  And that it's probably because I have a horrible habit of finding something to worry about, or to fear, or my favourite, to feel guilty about,  associated with the thing I think I should be grateful for.

I even downloaded a book this morning titled Gratitude Works, and after just the first chapter I felt inspired.  As the day wore on I developed a resolve to learn more on how to develop my habits of thinking such that it led to a greater sense of gratitude.  Intellectually I know darn well that I am extremely fortunate in my family, in my health and wealth, and even in my capacity for thinking, so what excuse could I possibly have for not making improvements.  I also know darn well that our strengths are often our weaknesses, and as such that I am my own worst enemy.

Case in point was my dental issues over the last week or so.  As things continued to go wrong, instead of focusing on my good fortune in having a dentist, being able to afford to pay him, and if necessary to consider lots of other options, I just got mad at my dentist!

But to make the rest of this story short.  Roo and I drove to London to do a little early holiday shopping.  Spending a day with my wife combined with the good feeling that comes with thinking about others had me having a pretty good day when this happened!

Yup!!

Just innocently driving down the road when my front bridge broke completely off!  Earlier in the day I thought I felt one little twinge, but other than that there was absolutely no warning.  I suspect that the one side was broken previously and the other side just let go today. It didn't just come unglued, it broke, and I doubt that it can be fixed.  By that I mean the remaining bits of tooth that had held the bridge in place are no longer sustainable.  The one side was already just a peg into the root, and now the tooth on the other side has broken completely off as well.  I further suspect that it's no coincidence that this happened now, but rather just a further sign of the state of my teeth in general.  And I'll admit it again if I didn't already the other day, my greatest fear is dentures!!

Sooooo.  Yes I think this is a test.  Do you think I'll pass?  The first indications weren't good, but now, a couple of hours later, and after writing this post I'm crawling back out of the hole.  We shall see.

And to end on a positive note I give you this.  I had to stop by the kids house afterwards to drop off some stuff for Colby.  I spoke to him for a couple of minutes and he never even noticed my lack of front teeth.  When I pointed it out to him, and told him I was very frustrated he just smiled and without skipping a beat said, you mean "f'lustrated"!!!!  That's my boy!!!

Oh and Roo had earlier asked me to take Ky to pick up some stuff she needed, and then take her to dance.  Of course after this happened she let me off the hook.  Thank goodness.

No wait.  Screw that!  Am I that fragile?  Not yet.  I'll let you know how the shopping and the dance goes. Gotta go there now

.......
I'm back!  Kylie never noticed the missing teeth either!!!  I suppose there's a message in there eh?  And if the people at the store noticed, who freakin cares?

"Our life here on Earth has as its purpose precisely to prepare for our eternal happiness. This world is a large womb. It is a 'test' as all opportunities are tests."---Peter Kreeft

Love
Peter

"Just a Hello Today"

Oh, and a little idiot story.

I drove to London today to meet my friend and adopted sister Gail.  It was about a 30 min drive and when I arrived in the parking lot I had to go over a few speed bumps.  I heard a clunk after the first one and wondered.  hmmm? I heard another after bump two, and thought wtf??  After bump 3 I knew exactly what it was.  I had left my tail gate open, and it was bouncing up and back with each bump.

My mind raced.  When did I have it open last, and how did I miss it?  Not that it's an uncommon mistake for me, but up til now it has never cost me any grief.  I got stopped, but before I got out and walked around the back I knew the answer.  OMG!  My garbage!!  And my recycling!!  The stuff I was supposed to drop at the road on the way out. It must be strewn all over Elgin County, and depending on when it fell out, perhaps over part of Middelsex county as well.  As I'm getting out and doing the walk around I was looking around for officer Obie, (you should know who he is by now) and thinking about whether my name would be somewhere on an envelope in that garbage!!

Would you believe that my bag of garbage, my 2 bags of cans and bottles, my 2 diesel fuel cans, my half sheet of plywood, and my squirrel trap, were all nicely settled near the front of my box!!

And while I have a ton of work to do until feelings of gratitude truly impact my life, for that one little moment I felt something.

Tomorrow or the next day I want to address that topic in more detail, but for today I leave you with this

"Gratitude emanates from the soul.  It colours your world"----Gail Perry (my extra sister)

Love
Peter

"I failed!"

While I managed to avoid doing the Internet research, I didn't manage to leave the thing well enough alone.  That was asking too much of myself, as it got more irritating with each passing day.  Can you imagine a very sharp object sticking out the side of your gum and into the inside of your cheek??  I eventually got to the point of packing gauze in there just to be able to cope.  And I think I could have held on for several days like that if it wasn't for the extreme anxiety that was also building every day. I'm afraid that anything to do with my mouth/teeth/jaw still makes me irrationally nervous.

I eventually caved around noon yesterday, and to their credit they once again got me in right away.  Happy birthday to me!!  How many people get the opportunity to turn 61, and go to the dentist on the same day??

The crazy thing is that I should also have done the Internet research, because for the very first time in my life I think it would have settled me a bit.  Most people know the usual effect that too much medical information has on ones brain.   In this case however, if  I had done the surfing I would have learned that small bone or root fragments are a fairly common complication of difficult extractions, and that indeed they are sometime hard for the dentist to find.

Alas, like I said, they got me back in and I feel sooooo much better.  I still have lost all confidence in this guy, and can't quite understand why I remained loyal to him for so long.  Perhaps it's my nature, or perhaps I'm just afraid of change.  Thirty years is a long time!  And although I feel 100% better physically I'm still anxious.  I am waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Only time will help that I think, but I still want to be ready with an option next time I have problems.

In a first step towards that, I applied to be a patient at the university dentistry school.  They have to find me interesting enough, but if I can get in there it's a whole lot cheaper.  They claim 60% of the usual cost.  Hopefully my radiation experience will make me interesting, rather than disqualify me.  You also have to live within a 45 minute drive, and google maps says I'm 44 minutes with usual traffic.  We shall see, but it sure would make me happy to get in there.  While of course there is the aforementioned drive, their facility is right across the street from son Michael's office on campus.  He would be able to buy me lots of lunches. :)

And while the first part of my 61st day was absolutely crappy, the second half more than made up for it.  I knew that Roo had invited the kids over for some cake and ice cream, but can you imagine my surprise when I got back to the house to find that son Michael had stopped by?  And can you further imagine my utter shock when I realized that son Peter was also sitting in my living room, courtesy of an invite from Claudette, and transportation provided by Michael.(thanks Mike) It has been almost 3 years since Peter has been here.

And beyond telling you that it brought me to tears I choose not to say much more about that moment for now.  It was very emotional.  Things got even better though when the kids showed up, and when Miguette chose to make the difficult decisions to join us, look easy.

What I do choose to tell you is that once again my wife has proven her nearly unlimited capacity for forgiveness.  I am in awe.  I will never ever forget the gift she gave me this day!!

Lastly, I want to thank Peter, not for actually coming to visit, but rather for walking the difficult road to get here.  I know it has not been easy, but perhaps it's been worth it?

So that was my 61st in a nutshell.  I still feel like a fragile person after the episode, and I know darn well that I'm only feeling better until the next crisis.  I am the first to concede that my level of stress was far out of proportion to the actual issue, and I need to stay resolved to effect change in my life if I'm gonna enjoy my remaining 19 years.  Only 6931 days, and yes I accounted for leap years!!

Oh, and I'm also making a first step towards preparing for the next crisis by meeting with my friend Gail tomorrow.  She knows a lot of stuff, and I'm gonna probe deeply.  I hope your ready sister dear!

And there are about a million quotes out there about failure, and yet almost every last one of them sounds the same.  Failure is good/failure is learning/failure is just a detour, blah, blah, blah.  I finally settled on this one.  It had a twist I liked better.

"Success unshared is failure."--- John Paul DeJoria

Love
Peter

"To Laugh or to Cry?"

I hoping for somewhere in between at best.  It sure don't feel like a laughing matter, but I also don't want get all worried and stressed.

You see yesterday as I was probing around in my mouth to check the healing process I felt something sharp.  Very weird??  Could it just be the remains of the dissolving stitches?  Sure felt more significant that that.  It felt like a piece of bone sticking out the side of my gum!!

I decided this morning that I was just gonna ignore it, but my resolve lasted til 9:00.  I called and they told me to come in right away.

Guess what?

A piece of bone has broken off, and just by the way he talked I'm pretty sure he already knew that, but was just hoping I wouldn't notice.  He believes that it will heal back, or at worst the gum will heal over it, and it will just happily float around in there.  When I asked why not just remove it, his answer was that it was a fairly big piece.  Hmmm.  That confirmed for me that he already knew.

Regardless, I have chosen to take his advice and leave it for a week or two, to see what happens.  It doesn't really cause me any pain, at least at this point, so I'm gonna try real hard not to stress over it.  It's hard however, cause I'm super sensitive about anything related to my mouth/throat/teeth, specifically as to how things will heal.

I'm still going to get away from this guy asap, but I also have to try to manage the costs.  If I go to another dentist right now they're gonna start soaking me right away.

Meanwhile I have made a commitment to relegate it to the same place as I've put world politics, by taking kind of an out of sight/out of mind attitude.  I will not probe the area with my fingers (thank god my tongue won't reach), and I have also committed to NOT do any internet research!!

C'est la vie!

"There are some things so serious you have to laugh at them."---Niels Bohr

...and I positively drooled over this quote....

"Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned."---W.C. Fields

...while Fields presumably intended it exclusively as humour. I chose to once again be reminded that something you think may be a bad thing, may not be such at all...

Love
Peter

"Glad That's Over"

Since the tooth was broken it was a bit tough to get the last broken part out, but all in all, not as bad as my fears.  The beauty of maintaining a blog was that I was able to go back 4 1/2 years and see how I felt the last time I had teeth pulled.  I did that this morning before I left and it helped alleviate some of my concern going in.  By no means was it fun though.  It is quite a violent interaction actually.

But alas. Like most things, the fear itself can be bigger than the actual event.

Kinda like the way many Canadian are feeling about the POTUS this morning.  I for one am not worried about that lunatic at all.  I have yet to see a politician keep their promises, and as such I absolutely guarantee that Mr trump, will NOT build a wall, he will NOT ban muslims, he will NOT stop trade with China or any other country,  he will NOT repeal Obamacare, and he will NOT grope any pussies, simply because of the intense scrutiny he will be under.  In actual fact I think the American people may just have neutralized one of the biggest clowns in American business, simply by putting him in the spotlight.  He will fail miserably in his new job of course, because I think he so badly wants to be loved that he will start trying to please everyone.  And like so many things we fear it will turn out to be the best thing overall.  I am 110% percent sure that many of the things I cherish would be in much greater jeopardy if Ted Cruz or Ben Carson were the guy we were reading about this morning!! In 4 years Trump will wither away, and we can welcome the next clown.

Besides, I truly believe that the USA is indeed a great nation in many ways.  Actually I consider it tied for second with a whole lot of other countries.  Speaking of which, if you're worried at all, think about how smart we were to get rid of Mr Harper, just in time to avoid the bromance I'm sure he would have had with Trump.  As much as he ain't gonna do what he said he was either, I truly believe that Trudeau is the most genuine guy to sit in the bosses chair ever since I started voting, and I truly believe that he does not feel the need to cosy up to anyone.  Unlike trump, he is very secure about himself, because of course, he has that good hair, lmao!!

Anyway, strange how I'm sitting here with my mouth throbbing and Mr trump headed to the white house, and still feeling optimistic.  I don't quite understand, but I ain't even gonna ask questions right now.  Gonna take another pain killer, and have a nap instead.

"We poison our lives with fear of burglary and shipwreck, and, ask anyone, the house is never burgled, and the ship never goes down."---Jean Anouilh

Love

Peter

"Woe is Me"

Elly used the expression pity party the other day, and like her I am loath at times to whine too much for fear of eliciting that very reaction from anyone who has to hear it, or read it.  Actually I should make a distinction there.  If one is verbalizing ones whining to a captive audience (read that as spouse, child parent, friend) then I think you need to be considerate of your level of self pity.  If one is however doing his/her whining on the internet, then no apologies necessary for whatever you write.  After all.  The next blog is only a click away if you don't like what you read here.

And the beauty of whining this way, besides the fact that you don't have to worry so much about who likes it, is that it can be a cathartic way of just getting stuff off your chest.

That's the case for me at the moment.  It's just after 5 o'clock, and I knew that I could not wait til evening to write this.  I have a great deal of irrational anxiety right now, and I'm hoping this will help.

And while I say irrational, the anxiety, or I even dare say fear, is I  believe just part of a greater anxiety.  That is one of growing old, and fading away.

You see I went to the dentist yesterday, and he told me that my infected tooth has to come out.  Although I knew it was a possibility, I didn't consider it a probability, and as such was quite taken aback.  To remind you of my history, I have already had two upper molars removed since my illness, both due to root fractures, and when you combine that with the fact that my wisdom teeth have been gone for 40 years, I'm left with one lonely top molar.  Even it is pretty useless because it's a lonely one stuck all by itself.  Further to that, the front tooth that I lost in a wrestling match when I was 16 has resulted in a bridge that has frequently given me trouble over the years.  I effectively have 8 complete teeth remaining in my top jaw, and when I say complete, many of those are mostly filling.

The other element of this whole dental saga is of course the radiation treatments I had in 2007, which leave me forever vulnerable to osteoradionecrosis.  You may recall that as a prophylactic measure the last time I had teeth pulled I made 30 visits to Hamilton to spend 2 hours a day in a Hyperbaric Oxygen Therapy.  That ain't gonna happen this time for a couple of reasons, namely that I no longer have the kind of medical support I still had at that time, and I simply don't want either the long wait to access this service, or the long drives to somewhere to get it done.  I'm kinda counting on the fact that the upper jaw is less susceptible to this illness, simply because it has greater blood supply.

To compound all that I have decided that this will be my last visit to this dentist.  I have been going to him for 30 years, and while he has been terrific for most of that time, I can suddenly see that he is simply milking it.  I'm pretty sure that he's quite a rich man but his equipment is starting to fall apart, and he seems to have less and less time to talk to the patients.  The final straw for me came yesterday, when I seen the big un-repaired hole in the drywall beside the dental chair!!  It looked like someone tried to put their foot through it, and it was not a new hole!!!  Holy crap!!  Have some professionalism!!

So that makes tomorrow my last day there because that's when I'm having this tooth pulled.  If you've eve had this done you will know that it's not any fun.  They literally break the tooth into pieces and then yank one chunk out at a time.

So yes, I'm afraid.  Afraid of the actual event tomorrow, afraid of dentures at some point, and of course afraid of getting old and becoming irrelevant.

I'll keep you posted.

And your smile of the day comes as it often does from my eldest grandchild.  After I expressed my anxiety to him yesterday, I also asked him if he would take care of me when I was old and feeble, and wearing diapers .  He thought about it for a second, then the smirk started to form, and then with undisguised pleasure he said,  "isn't that now?"  Brat!

That's it.  Have pity on me!

I suppose this guy sets the example for us all.

"I don't have much positive to say about motor neuron disease, but it taught me not to pity myself because others were worse off, and to get on with what I still could do. I'm happier now than before I developed the condition."---Stephen Hawking

...and I really like this one....

"Often it does seem such a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat."---Mark Twain

Love
Peter

"What's Worse Than a Toothache?

A toothache with complications!

It's my own damn fault.  I either broke a piece of tooth, or lost part of the filling a couple of months ago, but since it was a back tooth and it didn't cause any pain I thought I would leave well enough alone.

Bad decision!

It started to bother me a bit on thursday evening, but it's not that rare for me to occasionally have some tooth pain that eventually subsides.

Not this time.

It was after office hours friday by the time I realized that I was going to need some professional help. By the evening I was in tons of pain, and so I borrowed some drugs with the intention of getting through the weekend.  Certainly the drugs got me through that night, but by sat morning I was in big trouble. My face was starting to swell, and I was nauseous and dizzy.  I'm sure I went overboard on the Tramacet (bad stuff!!)

Got myself out of bed early and went to the clinic expressly to get antibiotics, because by that time I knew I had an infection.  Within hours my face was pounding again, my head was also pounding, and I was sitting on a stool beside the toilet.  I'm still not sure if the puking was from the drugs or from the tooth problem, although I suspect the drugs.  Of course today I added constipation to the mix, which I'm sure was from the drugs.

It is now Sunday afternoon and I have managed to move around a bit, and even get some food into me.  The headaches and sore face still remain, but I think gradually getting better.  I am taking only the antibiotics, and some ibuprofen, and well as using the ice bag on my jaw.

It is hard to believe it's only been a couple of days because it feels like a week.  I guess I just don't do sick very well.  Somehow I take it as personal offence and I feel so vulnerable.

I still have so much to learn....

But like Henry, I'm trying to find the positive side...

"There is one consolation in being sick; and that is the possibility that you may recover to a better state than you were ever in before."---Henry David Thoreau

Love
Peter

"On Listening to Others"

I wish I knew why this is such a hard thing for me.  It has been a handicap my entire life.  There's just something about discovering things for myself that seems to make them immediately valid.   It seems that anyone else's idea needs to be met with immediate scepticism, for at least as long as it takes for me to not have to give credit for it!!  Insane eh?

I'm just a wee bit suspicious that this bad habit comes from fighting for attention with the other 11 idiots.  Either that or it's just plain genetics, because although I freely admit that I'm the worst, I do see the same tendency amongst at least a few of my siblings.

So along with all the other character flaws I still have to work on, I'm gonna try hard to improve in this area a little bit.  To start off, for today, I'm gonna tell you that John's advice from yesterdays post may have some merit.  So you don't have to go back, he suggested that the social aspect of running with a friend/partner may help me break through my 'runners block', for lack of a better expression.

As soon as I read it I was reminded of a moment some few months back.  It was before I managed to get back into this regular 5K routine, and on this particular day I was actually walking when I spotted a training acquaintance up ahead at the next interaction.  She is an extremely fit specimen who I know primarily from the pool, but who I also know does everything physical extremely well.  She only really knows me as Joe Ironman, and as such I wasn't about to let her see me walking.  So I broke into a jog with the intent of quickly acknowledging her,  knowing that once I was out of her sight I could go back to my walk.  She totally messed that up by changing her mind on which way she was going, jut to run with me a bit and socialize.....

Holy shit!  What was I gonna do?

I apologized for being a bit slow, hoping she would take the bait and accelerate away, but no such luck.  She was happy to jog along and keep me company.  Lovely.

I had no choice.  She chatted, I chatted, she chatted some more. I nodded my head and grunted because I couldn't hear half the things she said, and suddenly I realized that I was still running!  Despite my intent to walk the remaining 3 kms to my house I ended up running the whole way.

So yes John.  I think there may be some real merit in  your suggestion.  This would be further supported by the fact that I ran 3 races early in the summer (5K, 10K and 12K), all of which went fairly well.  I think they relate, since again they are social activities with a distraction factor.

The problem of course is finding that friend/partner to run with.  I don't have any friends, and my only real partner and I learned years ago that running separately is the healthiest thing for our marriage.

So.....and I'm quietly excited about this...I'm gonna try to participate in as many low key fun runs or races that I can find in the immediate area, and see how that goes.  I will try to talk Roo into joining me of course, but Im gonna try to do this regardless.  Lets see what I can do.

Found a nice little 10K already in London on remembrance day.  Gonna sign up tomorrow.

And finally for today, without going into details, Roo and I had another run-in with dog boy today.  The story is too emotional to tell right now, but suffice it to say both Roo and I are very happy with the way it turned out.  I'm pretty sure we have the weasel on the run, and we're not gonna quit until he's out of our lives.  This is our neighbourhood damn it, and we refuse to be intimidated.  I must also add that I am inspired by my wives courage.....not surprised, just inspired.

....and this is a pretty good one eh...

"There is a difference between listening and waiting for your turn to speak."---Simon Sinek

Love
Pete

"Today Wasn't The Day!"

The day that running 5 kms was like walking.  I actually started out with a dizzy spell, and although I didn't like it, it did not change my beliefs that it's still all in my head.  I walked for a few minutes, and tried again.  I then managed my 5K but only with a supreme effort, despite not having done anything yesterday.

  I had 2 successive nights of what I would call exhausting dreams.  It's not like they're nightmares per say, but they involve desperately trying to get somewhere, or desperately trying to achieve something.  Upon waking I only have a sense of failure.

It's frustrating.  I determinedly marshal my strengths every single day, working really hard physically, and mentally, and then get beat up all night when I'm defenceless.

And while I'm pretty certain that the answer to the night time problems lies in behaviour changes during my waking hours, I just don't know what they are.  All I can do is keep searching.

.... maybe I'm just looking for things that don't exist...

"I hope to soon be in contact with the man who is searching for Noah's ark."---Jim Sullivan

Love
Peter

"Further Or Faster"

First thing I did before I sat down to write tonite was to start Arlo singing Alice's Restaurant.  We'll see who finishes first.

So further or faster?

My recently rediscovered ability to run 5 kms has unfortunately led to delusions of grandeur.  I let my mind wander at times to ideas of running distance again, even at times experiencing crazy thoughts about marathons.

But.....I'm a lot  smarter than I used to be.....well maybe a little smarter??   Regardless, I know that it would take a long term commitment, cause after all, a marathon is a long way to run.  It wasn't for a while, but now it is again. So, knowing I could now consistently run 5kms, and that a marathon is more than 8 of those, I had to decide whether to try running a bit faster, cause after all I'm pretty slow, or leaving well enough alone there, and try to start running a bit further.

It didn't take me long to decide.  A couple of weeks ago when I was up at Bill's place I ran 6.6 kms, just because that's how big the block was.  So last week I decided to start trying to stretch out my distance and since a block here is just over 7 kms that seemed to make sense.

Alas,  I barely survived a slow 5K before I had to walk, and ever since then I have struggled to get my 5K in, and struggled to do so in 30 minutes.

Holy Crap!!!!  Arlo just finished!!  Eighteen minutes to write those few short paragraphs!!

Oh....he's singing again...."I don't wanna pickle, I just wanna ride my motor sickle" 

Anyway.  After a couple of these painful sessions I was a bit discouraged, but it's okay.  I think it was necessary for my decision making.

Not further, not faster!  Just 5 kms!  I need to be able not just to run 5 kms, but run it without any stress.  I need to make 5 kms so easy that it's like walking.  I am no where near that.

Today's run was a little bit better (27:36), but it was hard.  As I ran I tried to analyze what was hard about it, and I realized that I really couldn't define it.  My heart rate was normal, my legs weren't burning, nor were my lungs.  Rather, it was kind of a tension that seemed to sit in my chest and abdomen.  Not that different than how I feel when I'm extremely anxious.  Bizarre as this seems, I think maybe I'm just running scared.  I'm not relaxed.

So who knows?   All I know is that I have decided that it will be 5 kms and no more, until 5 kms becomes the proverbial walk in the park.  I am cautiously optimistic that it will happen some time.

Of course I also know that I'll help myself immensely by doing lots of cycling as well, so I ordered two new pairs of wool socks.  Too bad my wife wouldn't let me  have my own Alpacas like I always wanted, or I could knit myself a pair of really nice socks.  Bitch!!

I'm thinking that maybe I'll be able to justify a few more bits of cold weather gear as well, and after all, I got a birthday coming up.  I don't actually need any new gear but who cares!  It's my birthday!

And unlike my bitch wife, it seems Youtube loves me.  Over the last few paragraphs they have found a sweet spot for me.

City of New Orleans
Mr Bojangles
The night they drove old dixie down.
Country Roads

So I guess that's it.  I'm reluctant to admit it, but I had a pretty good day today.  That's the difficulty when one allows one's self to wallow.  It becomes a habit that's hard to shake.  The problem is that I don't really know why I had a good day.  I ran, bought some snow tires, fixed a toilet, and cleaned the motorhome.  Oh, I also went out at 7 am to get breakfast for 2 of my grandchildren....maybe that was it?

Or as I would like to believe, that if I just keep trying to do the right things; take care of myself, of those around me, and those others that my life may touch, that It will all work out.

The thing's gone on a John Denver roll now, and I'm good with that as swell

Rocky Mountain High
Thank God I'm a country boy.

But then to prove that all good things must come to an end......they apparently allow country music on Youtube as well!! Fortunately they also have a button that looks this.  (II)

"I believe that we are here for each other, not against each other. Everything comes from an understanding that you are a gift in my life - whoever you are, whatever our differences."--- John Denver

Love
Peter

"Scary!"

That many people around me aren't familiar with Alice!  John of course knows her only because he's smoked a lot of the same stuff as Arlo Guthrie.  Seems that many others of my acquaintance don't, probably because they are too young to be familiar with a song released almost 50 years ago!!  Holy crap!  Scary!

And if it's not already obvious, Alice's Restaurant it is one of my all time favourites.  While it was originally written as a Vietnam war protest song, Guthrie has been quoted as saying it's more of an anti-stupidity song.  I think that's why I like it so much.  Although I understand how it happens, bureaucracy absolutely drives me bananas, and one of the best ways to combat it is with satire.  Here you go if you happen to have 18 mins to spare.

And as to the group W bench of the song, and whether or not I belong there, I have never to my knowledge physically assaulted or molested either of my parents!  And yet, what I admire about the character is that he was assigned to the bench as a direct result of his cynical attitude.  So whether or not I actually belong with the group W crowd, I know that's where I would have ended up were I in the same situation.  And just for the record, so would brother John, and I suspect you as well Deb, although they would have to catch your more subtle cynicism.  :)  Oh, and you too Lish!  Nothing subtle about you my dear!

And while we're on the topic of scary, here's a couple of seasonal examples of things that scare me.

Colby was participating in his grade nine drama class's "haunted hallway" production.  He had so much fun doing it, and I had so much fun hearing about it.  It reminds me of part of sister Elly's theory for our school system, in which all learning should be experiential.  I'm totally convinced that he's learning a lot more "english" in this class, then he is in English class!!  What 'scares' me is that he has 4 years of high school to survive somehow, so that he can get on with something that interests him.

And while that pic itself didn't really scare me. this next one sure as hell did!

Last year she was an evil clown, but I guess that as you approach 11 years old you move to different interests.  The character is someone called Jem, of Jem and the Holograms.  You gotta admit that it's a bit frightening!!  Something about those eyes.......I've seen them before somewhere??

And that's it for today.  And that's all there is eh?  Today!

"Thank God that the people that run this world are not smart enough to keep running it forever."---Arlo Guthrie

Love
Peter

"Thanks For Your Help"

Unfortunately when I arrived at the group W bench it seemed they had lots of pencils as well as various forms, but not one of them was from Byron Katie.  What to do??

And yes Deb, I am absolutely certain that was true.  Just as certain as I am that I belonged there with the rest of group W.  I have definitely not been rehabilitated!

"I don't want a pickle, I just wanna ride my motor sickle!"---Arlo Guthrie

Love
Peter

"You're Only As Old As You Feel"

Everybody's heard this expression , and while I think it's basically supposed to mean that your actual age in number of years doesn't mean a thing. it seems to me that it's also often used to imply some responsibility on ones part to not "feel" old.  Like shut up about your age!  Stop whining about all that, and start living a little younger.

And while I certainly subscribe to the idea that there is no rationale in feeling old just cause you start hitting the big numbers, I also think there's a reality in feeling old when things start hurting like they never did before.

You see age, like everything else in life is relative.  When a person says they feel old what they are really saying is that they feel older.  Older then they used to feel.  For most people that's the only thing we have as a comparison, and for most people, we're weaker, slower, less co-ordinated, and hurt more as those aforementioned big numbers kick in.  Conversely, and to demonstrate my point about relativity, can you imagine if one had a disabling disease, say MS, for most of your life, and then it suddenly healed itself when you turned 60!!  You sure as hell wouldn't feel old, despite the fact that after a lifetime of this horrible illness you would be terribly wasted.  You would feel like the king of the world!!  And you would "feel" young!

So what's this all about you may ask?  Or perhaps you think you already know.  Maybe you think it's all just rationalizing my self pity.  Maybe you are just thinking, I wish he would shut up about his age and stop whining!

And I would accept your reaction based on the amount of whining I've done in this space over the last several years, but I truly don't intend that.  What I'm trying to come to terms with is that my body is disintegrating, slowly but inexorably.  I think the feelings that go hand in hand with that are perhaps a bit harder, when for several years I lived on the cusp of supreme fitness.  I fought so hard after my illness to rebuild what was at that time a wasted man; physically, mentally, and emotionally. And yes I got obsessive about it.  Then came the reality of chronic overtraining, combined with several years of natural aging, and the shock of it all is still sinking in.

Yesterday I went out to clean up the remains of my burn pile which meant a bunch of manual labour, and it was hard manipulating those tools.  Hard to bend, hard to twist, hard to lift.  Typically, certainly for the last several years, whenever something hurt, my response was to go a little harder yet, refusing to give in to my bodies demands.  That's how I trained.....every day!!  I mean every day!  My response to pain was to deny it. And it worked.  For a while.  It just doesn't seem to any more, and it has dawned on me that perhaps I need to change my strategies.

After a couple of years of analyzing my current state I am now convinced that there's nothing physiologically wrong with me, and in fact all my problems are indeed in my head.  And while certainly a very big part of that is the inexplicable depression and anxiety that I still suffer from, I think there's also a big element of what my "no pain, no gain" attitude does to me.  Perhaps at some point in a body's life span that attitude becomes counterproductive.  What if that attitude results in the breaking down of ones body instead of building it up.  I'm seriously starting to consider the idea that when I start to hurt, I need to slow down!!!  That's hard for me.  It seems like quitting.  But what if that's actually what I need to do to get stronger?  Based on my 60 years of experience it is totally counter intuitive.

In summary then, when I say it's all in my head, I'm suggesting that until in my head I accept the gradual decline, and accept slowing down, and accept resting when it hurts, that it ain't gonna get any easier.

And perhaps even accept that I feel old(er) than I used to. Oh, and be okay with it.  No guilt  :)

The last thing I might add if there is any value to my theory, is that this turning point is different for every person.  Genetics, lifestyle, serious illnesses etc., all play a significant role in aging.  The trick then, would be to ignore the numbers, and trust your body to tell you when it's time to slow down.  After all, "You're only as old as you feel".

Phew!  I'm tired!  I don't know if any of that makes any sense, but if not, it's only because I did a poor job of describing my thoughts.  In "my head", I understand it all perfectly  :)

And somewhere over the last couple of days I have thought often of my dad, in particular how as he aged he started to learn things from his kids.  I kinda wish that right now I could talk to him about the sudden betrayal by his body after a lifetime of health, and how that was for him.  But alas, since it's too late for that, I will have to turn to my kids as he seemed to in his last 10 years or so.

I had an opportunity for this the other day when Michael was here.  I had just come in from running my 5K in 27 minutes and he said, "Holy crap dad, that's fantastic!.  Do you know how few people on this planet can do that, let alone do it when they're 60 years old?"  Somehow, coming from him, it made it's way through my think skull!  For a few minutes I even considered that idea that that was fast enough!!....hmmmm..

And speaking of learning from my kids, I truly believe I'm starting to open myself to that.  And from all of them different things.  I'm gonna start sharing some of them with you over the next while.  For today, and in case you never seen it, I want to repost Michaels comment from a few days ago.  When I read this I was so moved and felt so enlightened, and not because he was complimentary.  Moved by my own child's writing!!  What a blessing eh?  Please have a read.

"The further truth is that in regards to material wealth I have just been incredibly lucky!! I have been in the right place, at the right time, with the right conditions, and under the right influences."This part was from my post)

Guess what... this is almost everyone!! Neoliberal individualism tells us that all individuals have to do is work hard and success and fortune will follow. And as a society we so readily and unquestionably accept this notion, even though we know this isn't the case, because there are millions of hard workers who still struggle to get by or for whom material wealth doesn't just "naturally" follow because of "hard work". Many of the more fortunate people in life also often don't want to readily admit that their success is not just solely the product of hard work, but that often it is luck and the fortunate help of others! This is why we all have a responsibility to lend a helping hand to those below us on the ladder, by being mentors, holding others up rather than pushing them down in competition, connecting people together... you know, being a community rather than just having the attitude that "I worked hard and I earned this, never mind anybody else".

So what I'm saying is, feeling guilty for being lucky or fortunate doesn't help (I know only because I experience "privilege guilt" or "existential guilt" all the time... whether it is white guilt or any other kind)... and from my perspective, the myriad of ways that you provide support and mentorship and guidance for me and my brothers, for your grandkids, for your family and friends, are the ways in which you lend that helping hand and do good for others. The ways you push yourself to understand the issues of the world and to be more accepting and more understanding of those who are different, and pass on those values to others, are ways you do good for others. The things I have seen you do over my adult life for strangers and for others are ways you do good... I could go on and list many. But what is enough? I don't know, but what we can do is recognize our privilege and try our best. But no matter what, you shouldn't feel guilty for being able to sleep in or have muffins and coffee in bed. Nope!

There's more on this I wish to articulate, but it's not coming out of me right now in a way that I can verbalize properly. For another time! :)

Love you!
Michael

A favourite quote of mine that I was reminded of:

“People with advantages are loath to believe that they just happen to be people with advantages.” - C. Wright Mills (Sociologist)

And because that quote is absolutely brilliant I won't even try to find one to top it, but rather leave it as my 

ending.  

Oh but a post script.  After an hour with my implements of destruction, I put the shovel, the fork and the rakes away, and went and got my tractor.  (and yes John you get your brownie points for Alice's Restaurant). Because of the nature of the work it actually took longer with the tractor, but fortunately time is something I still have lots of.  Maybe too much eh??

So that's it for today, the 28th day of October, 2106!  Not a wonder I feel old :)

Love

Peter