"Dumb as a Mouse"

Today's mouse didn't have the wisdom to lay his head down properly and as such he didn't get a quick execution.  Instead he only had one leg trapped, and he was futilely  chewing  away at both the trap and his leg.  Every once in a while he would try to go somewhere trap and all, but the little divides in the ceiling tiles prevented that.  His remaining life was gonna be spent in that one little 2' X 2' square space! That's why I try to faithfully check the trap every day, since the poor mouse is obviously in pain, and unable to die quickly.

That's the way that I've felt over the last little while.  I've managed to keep my neck out of the guillotine, but I'm caught in a leg trap instead.  It hurts....a lot, but there doesn't seem to be any answer to that.  I try and try to will my body to take me someplace, but I don't get much past my own neighbourhood in a literal sense, or beyond my own mind space in a more figurative way.

My idea was to show you a little video of the poor rodent struggling, but number one, you couldn't see the pain in his eyes, (but he never blinked) and number two it would have been cruel to let him live too long.  I took him outside and pounded his head with a 2X4.

But he's a freakin little rodent with a brain perhaps the size of one of his turds so you can't really blame him for eating the peanut butter, or furthermore being unable to get himself out of the trap.

I on the other hand have a brain way bigger than the size of one of my own turds and as such should be smart enough to get me out of this crap.  Today I took a few steps, I think.

First off I was totally motivated this morning by an almost sleepless night.  One manywonder how one could be motivated by lack of sleep but basically I knew that I couldn't tolerate one more like that.  It wasn't just lack of sleep.  It was a night of pain.  I can not, no, I will not go on this way.  Of course my current state of mind was exacerbated by the dental circus that's been going on, and although that should be minor in comparison, it's been like the proverbial burr under the saddle.

So here's what I did.  First off I tried staying under the covers as long as I could.  At about 9:30 I headed out to the doctors office, a professional whom I respect so much professionally, and like so much personally.

He's so kind and sympathetic.  I laid out the story for him.  I'm getting my blood work done, and if my TSH is low (it will be) I am going back to taking the thyroid medication that I stopped 3 months ago.  I don't think it will help me at all, but since it won't hurt me either, I will humour those in my life who think it may (including my doctor) and take the little green pill once a day.  Next, I'm gonna start taking an anti-depressant called Zoloft.  Apparently it was one of the earlier ones on the market, its biggest allure being the relatively minor side effects.  Again, I am very sceptical about this, but I know the giant pharmaceutical companies wouldn't mislead me.  The proof of its efficacy lies in how much it costs.  It's gotta work!!! We shall see.  If it doesn't make me feel sick or discourage me from exercise, I'll give it a shot.   I now also have at my disposal a sedative called Lorazepam, a drug I've taken before, and which I really like for getting to sleep.  I will only take it when I feel the need.  Finally I'm gonna go see a psychologist that he knows personally, and that he recommends.  That's gonna cost lots of money but after a bit of rationalization I came to terms with it.  I simply won't buy a new bicycle this coming year.  That combined with what I save on cigarettes and beer should get me a few sessions.

And lastly I'm sure you're all interested in the ongoing saga of my face.  The new proposal makes sense to me, and I will monitor his work at ever step, even if I have to bring my own mirror.  What will happen now is a root canal on both of the broken off teeth.  Then an inert material put into the bottom of the canal, topped off by a stainless steel post.  My existing bridge will then be adhered to those 2 posts.  Should work!

That's the technical part.  The human element goes like this.  If he didn't have good answers today I was gonna tell him I wanted to think about it, and then go somewhere else.  Lo and behold, he talked to his assistant who is a remarkable professional, and they both agreed to work late tomorrow to try and do the whole thing.  This for me is a godsend, because the biggest beef I have with him is that he juggles way too many patients, and as such doesn't stay focused.  With both of them working together without interruptions, I feel pretty good.  The funny thing is, that I'm kinda getting used to the missing teeth; there's something kind of humble about it, and although eating is a bit "frustrating" I think I could survive like this for a week or two.  At one point I was kind of counting on it to sucker my chef friend Deb into making me a hole bunch of soups and stews, so there's a lost opportunity.  Damn!

So in summary, last night was one of the worst nights of my life, the day time was a bit better, and sitting here this evening I am actually feeling a little bit grateful.  Only a touch mind you since like most things it's gonna take practice.  Those thing that I am a little bit grateful for are

My wife (more than a bit)
My family doctor
My dental assistant....okay, okay...maybe the dentist too
Money
Canada
Lorazapam....it does exactly what it claims with no subjectivity
My son Peters ongoing sobriety.
Xmas shopping (yes I really enjoy trying to find the right things)
Mousetraps

"Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart."---Steve Jobs

"Man is the only kind of varmint sets his own trap, baits it, then steps in it."---John Steinbeck

Love
Peter