Everybody's heard this expression , and while I think it's basically supposed to mean that your actual age in number of years doesn't mean a thing. it seems to me that it's also often used to imply some responsibility on ones part to not "feel" old. Like shut up about your age! Stop whining about all that, and start living a little younger.
And while I certainly subscribe to the idea that there is no rationale in feeling old just cause you start hitting the big numbers, I also think there's a reality in feeling old when things start hurting like they never did before.
You see age, like everything else in life is relative. When a person says they feel old what they are really saying is that they feel older. Older then they used to feel. For most people that's the only thing we have as a comparison, and for most people, we're weaker, slower, less co-ordinated, and hurt more as those aforementioned big numbers kick in. Conversely, and to demonstrate my point about relativity, can you imagine if one had a disabling disease, say MS, for most of your life, and then it suddenly healed itself when you turned 60!! You sure as hell wouldn't feel old, despite the fact that after a lifetime of this horrible illness you would be terribly wasted. You would feel like the king of the world!! And you would "feel" young!
So what's this all about you may ask? Or perhaps you think you already know. Maybe you think it's all just rationalizing my self pity. Maybe you are just thinking, I wish he would shut up about his age and stop whining!
And I would accept your reaction based on the amount of whining I've done in this space over the last several years, but I truly don't intend that. What I'm trying to come to terms with is that my body is disintegrating, slowly but inexorably. I think the feelings that go hand in hand with that are perhaps a bit harder, when for several years I lived on the cusp of supreme fitness. I fought so hard after my illness to rebuild what was at that time a wasted man; physically, mentally, and emotionally. And yes I got obsessive about it. Then came the reality of chronic overtraining, combined with several years of natural aging, and the shock of it all is still sinking in.
Yesterday I went out to clean up the remains of my burn pile which meant a bunch of manual labour, and it was hard manipulating those tools. Hard to bend, hard to twist, hard to lift. Typically, certainly for the last several years, whenever something hurt, my response was to go a little harder yet, refusing to give in to my bodies demands. That's how I trained.....every day!! I mean every day! My response to pain was to deny it. And it worked. For a while. It just doesn't seem to any more, and it has dawned on me that perhaps I need to change my strategies.
After a couple of years of analyzing my current state I am now convinced that there's nothing physiologically wrong with me, and in fact all my problems are indeed in my head. And while certainly a very big part of that is the inexplicable depression and anxiety that I still suffer from, I think there's also a big element of what my "no pain, no gain" attitude does to me. Perhaps at some point in a body's life span that attitude becomes counterproductive. What if that attitude results in the breaking down of ones body instead of building it up. I'm seriously starting to consider the idea that when I start to hurt, I need to slow down!!! That's hard for me. It seems like quitting. But what if that's actually what I need to do to get stronger? Based on my 60 years of experience it is totally counter intuitive.
In summary then, when I say it's all in my head, I'm suggesting that until in my head I accept the gradual decline, and accept slowing down, and accept resting when it hurts, that it ain't gonna get any easier.
And perhaps even accept that I feel old(er) than I used to. Oh, and be okay with it. No guilt :)
The last thing I might add if there is any value to my theory, is that this turning point is different for every person. Genetics, lifestyle, serious illnesses etc., all play a significant role in aging. The trick then, would be to ignore the numbers, and trust your body to tell you when it's time to slow down. After all, "You're only as old as you feel".
Phew! I'm tired! I don't know if any of that makes any sense, but if not, it's only because I did a poor job of describing my thoughts. In "my head", I understand it all perfectly :)
And somewhere over the last couple of days I have thought often of my dad, in particular how as he aged he started to learn things from his kids. I kinda wish that right now I could talk to him about the sudden betrayal by his body after a lifetime of health, and how that was for him. But alas, since it's too late for that, I will have to turn to my kids as he seemed to in his last 10 years or so.
I had an opportunity for this the other day when Michael was here. I had just come in from running my 5K in 27 minutes and he said, "Holy crap dad, that's fantastic!. Do you know how few people on this planet can do that, let alone do it when they're 60 years old?" Somehow, coming from him, it made it's way through my think skull! For a few minutes I even considered that idea that that was fast enough!!....hmmmm..
And speaking of learning from my kids, I truly believe I'm starting to open myself to that. And from all of them different things. I'm gonna start sharing some of them with you over the next while. For today, and in case you never seen it, I want to repost Michaels comment from a few days ago. When I read this I was so moved and felt so enlightened, and not because he was complimentary. Moved by my own child's writing!! What a blessing eh? Please have a read.
"The further truth is that in regards to material wealth I have just been incredibly lucky!! I have been in the right place, at the right time, with the right conditions, and under the right influences."This part was from my post)
Guess what... this is almost everyone!! Neoliberal individualism tells us that all individuals have to do is work hard and success and fortune will follow. And as a society we so readily and unquestionably accept this notion, even though we know this isn't the case, because there are millions of hard workers who still struggle to get by or for whom material wealth doesn't just "naturally" follow because of "hard work". Many of the more fortunate people in life also often don't want to readily admit that their success is not just solely the product of hard work, but that often it is luck and the fortunate help of others! This is why we all have a responsibility to lend a helping hand to those below us on the ladder, by being mentors, holding others up rather than pushing them down in competition, connecting people together... you know, being a community rather than just having the attitude that "I worked hard and I earned this, never mind anybody else".
So what I'm saying is, feeling guilty for being lucky or fortunate doesn't help (I know only because I experience "privilege guilt" or "existential guilt" all the time... whether it is white guilt or any other kind)... and from my perspective, the myriad of ways that you provide support and mentorship and guidance for me and my brothers, for your grandkids, for your family and friends, are the ways in which you lend that helping hand and do good for others. The ways you push yourself to understand the issues of the world and to be more accepting and more understanding of those who are different, and pass on those values to others, are ways you do good for others. The things I have seen you do over my adult life for strangers and for others are ways you do good... I could go on and list many. But what is enough? I don't know, but what we can do is recognize our privilege and try our best. But no matter what, you shouldn't feel guilty for being able to sleep in or have muffins and coffee in bed. Nope!
There's more on this I wish to articulate, but it's not coming out of me right now in a way that I can verbalize properly. For another time! :)
Love you!
Michael
A favourite quote of mine that I was reminded of:
“People with advantages are loath to believe that they just happen to be people with advantages.” - C. Wright Mills (Sociologist)
And while I certainly subscribe to the idea that there is no rationale in feeling old just cause you start hitting the big numbers, I also think there's a reality in feeling old when things start hurting like they never did before.
You see age, like everything else in life is relative. When a person says they feel old what they are really saying is that they feel older. Older then they used to feel. For most people that's the only thing we have as a comparison, and for most people, we're weaker, slower, less co-ordinated, and hurt more as those aforementioned big numbers kick in. Conversely, and to demonstrate my point about relativity, can you imagine if one had a disabling disease, say MS, for most of your life, and then it suddenly healed itself when you turned 60!! You sure as hell wouldn't feel old, despite the fact that after a lifetime of this horrible illness you would be terribly wasted. You would feel like the king of the world!! And you would "feel" young!
So what's this all about you may ask? Or perhaps you think you already know. Maybe you think it's all just rationalizing my self pity. Maybe you are just thinking, I wish he would shut up about his age and stop whining!
And I would accept your reaction based on the amount of whining I've done in this space over the last several years, but I truly don't intend that. What I'm trying to come to terms with is that my body is disintegrating, slowly but inexorably. I think the feelings that go hand in hand with that are perhaps a bit harder, when for several years I lived on the cusp of supreme fitness. I fought so hard after my illness to rebuild what was at that time a wasted man; physically, mentally, and emotionally. And yes I got obsessive about it. Then came the reality of chronic overtraining, combined with several years of natural aging, and the shock of it all is still sinking in.
Yesterday I went out to clean up the remains of my burn pile which meant a bunch of manual labour, and it was hard manipulating those tools. Hard to bend, hard to twist, hard to lift. Typically, certainly for the last several years, whenever something hurt, my response was to go a little harder yet, refusing to give in to my bodies demands. That's how I trained.....every day!! I mean every day! My response to pain was to deny it. And it worked. For a while. It just doesn't seem to any more, and it has dawned on me that perhaps I need to change my strategies.
After a couple of years of analyzing my current state I am now convinced that there's nothing physiologically wrong with me, and in fact all my problems are indeed in my head. And while certainly a very big part of that is the inexplicable depression and anxiety that I still suffer from, I think there's also a big element of what my "no pain, no gain" attitude does to me. Perhaps at some point in a body's life span that attitude becomes counterproductive. What if that attitude results in the breaking down of ones body instead of building it up. I'm seriously starting to consider the idea that when I start to hurt, I need to slow down!!! That's hard for me. It seems like quitting. But what if that's actually what I need to do to get stronger? Based on my 60 years of experience it is totally counter intuitive.
In summary then, when I say it's all in my head, I'm suggesting that until in my head I accept the gradual decline, and accept slowing down, and accept resting when it hurts, that it ain't gonna get any easier.
And perhaps even accept that I feel old(er) than I used to. Oh, and be okay with it. No guilt :)
The last thing I might add if there is any value to my theory, is that this turning point is different for every person. Genetics, lifestyle, serious illnesses etc., all play a significant role in aging. The trick then, would be to ignore the numbers, and trust your body to tell you when it's time to slow down. After all, "You're only as old as you feel".
Phew! I'm tired! I don't know if any of that makes any sense, but if not, it's only because I did a poor job of describing my thoughts. In "my head", I understand it all perfectly :)
And somewhere over the last couple of days I have thought often of my dad, in particular how as he aged he started to learn things from his kids. I kinda wish that right now I could talk to him about the sudden betrayal by his body after a lifetime of health, and how that was for him. But alas, since it's too late for that, I will have to turn to my kids as he seemed to in his last 10 years or so.
I had an opportunity for this the other day when Michael was here. I had just come in from running my 5K in 27 minutes and he said, "Holy crap dad, that's fantastic!. Do you know how few people on this planet can do that, let alone do it when they're 60 years old?" Somehow, coming from him, it made it's way through my think skull! For a few minutes I even considered that idea that that was fast enough!!....hmmmm..
And speaking of learning from my kids, I truly believe I'm starting to open myself to that. And from all of them different things. I'm gonna start sharing some of them with you over the next while. For today, and in case you never seen it, I want to repost Michaels comment from a few days ago. When I read this I was so moved and felt so enlightened, and not because he was complimentary. Moved by my own child's writing!! What a blessing eh? Please have a read.
"The further truth is that in regards to material wealth I have just been incredibly lucky!! I have been in the right place, at the right time, with the right conditions, and under the right influences."This part was from my post)
Guess what... this is almost everyone!! Neoliberal individualism tells us that all individuals have to do is work hard and success and fortune will follow. And as a society we so readily and unquestionably accept this notion, even though we know this isn't the case, because there are millions of hard workers who still struggle to get by or for whom material wealth doesn't just "naturally" follow because of "hard work". Many of the more fortunate people in life also often don't want to readily admit that their success is not just solely the product of hard work, but that often it is luck and the fortunate help of others! This is why we all have a responsibility to lend a helping hand to those below us on the ladder, by being mentors, holding others up rather than pushing them down in competition, connecting people together... you know, being a community rather than just having the attitude that "I worked hard and I earned this, never mind anybody else".
So what I'm saying is, feeling guilty for being lucky or fortunate doesn't help (I know only because I experience "privilege guilt" or "existential guilt" all the time... whether it is white guilt or any other kind)... and from my perspective, the myriad of ways that you provide support and mentorship and guidance for me and my brothers, for your grandkids, for your family and friends, are the ways in which you lend that helping hand and do good for others. The ways you push yourself to understand the issues of the world and to be more accepting and more understanding of those who are different, and pass on those values to others, are ways you do good for others. The things I have seen you do over my adult life for strangers and for others are ways you do good... I could go on and list many. But what is enough? I don't know, but what we can do is recognize our privilege and try our best. But no matter what, you shouldn't feel guilty for being able to sleep in or have muffins and coffee in bed. Nope!
There's more on this I wish to articulate, but it's not coming out of me right now in a way that I can verbalize properly. For another time! :)
Love you!
Michael
A favourite quote of mine that I was reminded of:
“People with advantages are loath to believe that they just happen to be people with advantages.” - C. Wright Mills (Sociologist)
And because that quote is absolutely brilliant I won't even try to find one to top it, but rather leave it as my
ending.
Oh but a post script. After an hour with my implements of destruction, I put the shovel, the fork and the rakes away, and went and got my tractor. (and yes John you get your brownie points for Alice's Restaurant). Because of the nature of the work it actually took longer with the tractor, but fortunately time is something I still have lots of. Maybe too much eh??
So that's it for today, the 28th day of October, 2106! Not a wonder I feel old :)
Love
Peter
Sometimes I wonder if maybe you belong on the group W bench?
ReplyDeleteLove holij
Amazing! Love you
ReplyDelete