I had a wonderful bike ride today in this glorious weather, and I even took the camera. I think I told you that I was gonna try mounting it on the handlebars, and indeed I got that nicely set up. Sadly, while it took nice video that way, you can not hear a word I'm saying. I suspect that the mic is somewhere on the front, as well as inside the waterproof case, and as such I got nice humming noises from my front wheel on the pavement, and also pretty good clicking noises from my shifters, with very gear change.
But if you could have heard me talk, you would have been as inspired as I was! Well maybe not quite, but still It seemed like I was making sense to myself. I have been giving lots of thought to the power of anxiety and worry, and I'm pretty convinced that if left unchecked it will slyly take over your life. While I'm sure there are people much more afflicted than I am, I think I'm pretty fragile myself.
I had a couple of indictors recently of just how vulnerable I am. The big one of course was John's death, and everything associated with it. While it's natural to grieve, and even natural to worry about his loved ones, I was surprised by how unstable it left me feeling.
Then just last night as I tried to approach one of Sally's beneficiaries about closing out her will, and got a nasty rebuke, my stress level skyrocketed in a period of about 5 mins!! Back when I was working, a little problem like that would not even have registered on my tension scale, and now it leaves me in the bathroom looking for a sedative!!
The third reminder of my fragility has been a recent regression to my running. I am back to the point where I am unable to run for a kilometre, and I am 100% convinced that somehow, something happens in my body that is triggered by worry. My heart rate goes down, my chest gets tight, and very soon my legs simply give out.
And if I look back on the last 4 years I can find lots of excuses for being so anxious, but it really doesn't matter why I am, where I am. The only thing that matters is getting better. The first step of course is acknowledgement, but that's certainly not the total cure. It ain't gonna get better by itself! I believe the chronic anxiety that I live with can be beaten, but just like any other illness it's gonna take time and effort. Akin perhaps to quitting smoking, or to beating any addiction I suppose, it will take work!
So I believe the answers to my problems are out there and so I'm on a quest to find them. I have started by reading a very old book (1948) written by the famous Dale Carnegie. You may know him better as the author of one of the best selling self help books of all time, How to win friends and influence people.
Chapter one of the book is about living for today, and he uses the analogy of a ship that can close off water tight compartments to keep it safe from sinking. He says we need to live in day tight compartments, by willfully closing off yesterday and tomorrow. I'm working on that as I consider the reality that I have a dentist appt tomorrow :))
So that's it for today. In closing I need to ask you once more to keep Jean, Alisha, Ben, Jonathan, and Izaiah in your thoughts. Once the funeral is over and everyone else goes home to their loved ones, you get to go home without yours. I state that as a reality, while at the same time I remain determined to learn from John's life, rather than let his death get me down.
And just for the fun of it I'm gonna leave you with just a few minutes of my ride, sans vocals. I've showed you this little downhill stretch before but it looks more cool with the camera mounted out front. Enjoy!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VepAak8rs3k&feature=youtu.be
And when you start thinking you got a big problem, just remember,
"It's a small thing, in a big world"---John Gregory Zadilsky
Love
Peter
But if you could have heard me talk, you would have been as inspired as I was! Well maybe not quite, but still It seemed like I was making sense to myself. I have been giving lots of thought to the power of anxiety and worry, and I'm pretty convinced that if left unchecked it will slyly take over your life. While I'm sure there are people much more afflicted than I am, I think I'm pretty fragile myself.
I had a couple of indictors recently of just how vulnerable I am. The big one of course was John's death, and everything associated with it. While it's natural to grieve, and even natural to worry about his loved ones, I was surprised by how unstable it left me feeling.
Then just last night as I tried to approach one of Sally's beneficiaries about closing out her will, and got a nasty rebuke, my stress level skyrocketed in a period of about 5 mins!! Back when I was working, a little problem like that would not even have registered on my tension scale, and now it leaves me in the bathroom looking for a sedative!!
The third reminder of my fragility has been a recent regression to my running. I am back to the point where I am unable to run for a kilometre, and I am 100% convinced that somehow, something happens in my body that is triggered by worry. My heart rate goes down, my chest gets tight, and very soon my legs simply give out.
And if I look back on the last 4 years I can find lots of excuses for being so anxious, but it really doesn't matter why I am, where I am. The only thing that matters is getting better. The first step of course is acknowledgement, but that's certainly not the total cure. It ain't gonna get better by itself! I believe the chronic anxiety that I live with can be beaten, but just like any other illness it's gonna take time and effort. Akin perhaps to quitting smoking, or to beating any addiction I suppose, it will take work!
So I believe the answers to my problems are out there and so I'm on a quest to find them. I have started by reading a very old book (1948) written by the famous Dale Carnegie. You may know him better as the author of one of the best selling self help books of all time, How to win friends and influence people.
Chapter one of the book is about living for today, and he uses the analogy of a ship that can close off water tight compartments to keep it safe from sinking. He says we need to live in day tight compartments, by willfully closing off yesterday and tomorrow. I'm working on that as I consider the reality that I have a dentist appt tomorrow :))
So that's it for today. In closing I need to ask you once more to keep Jean, Alisha, Ben, Jonathan, and Izaiah in your thoughts. Once the funeral is over and everyone else goes home to their loved ones, you get to go home without yours. I state that as a reality, while at the same time I remain determined to learn from John's life, rather than let his death get me down.
And just for the fun of it I'm gonna leave you with just a few minutes of my ride, sans vocals. I've showed you this little downhill stretch before but it looks more cool with the camera mounted out front. Enjoy!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VepAak8rs3k&feature=youtu.be
And when you start thinking you got a big problem, just remember,
"It's a small thing, in a big world"---John Gregory Zadilsky
Love
Peter
Keep on keepin' on Pete. Totally enjoyed the view from the gopro being on the handle bars. It definitely changed the perception of your speed too. You might have to get a second gopro!
ReplyDeleteLOve you more because I can
Roo
I got nervous a couple of times; such a real sense of being on the bike with you. I also had a huge appreciation, while watching, of the difference between the downhill and the uphill climb. I could almost feel the work! As for living in the present, I continue to search myself. I wish you luck for your journey. Much love, brother!
ReplyDeletePeter, i believe you have identified the issue very clearly. I think living in the moment -- even smaller than the day -- is a key to dealing with anxiety, depression and a whole host of other mental health issues. The more we dwell in our problems, the worse they become and the harder they are to move away from. Nothing new here, I know. But I've been there, as you know, so I really get it. Right now, you seem to be in a really good place, and your commitment to work at overcoming all this is a huge step. With some help, you can do anything, anything at all. I know that for a fact, my friend and adopted little brother.
ReplyDeleteLove, gail
The video was fabulous and a little scary! One day at a time.
ReplyDeleteLove
Isabella