"Discoveries"

For the last 20 something years I have been going to the same place to run trails.  Over those 20 years it has gotten less and less friendly because of erosion, and lack of maintenance, and to some degree because of bicycle traffic.  That still wouldn't have bothered a 40 year old me, but 60 year old me is starting to find it unfriendly.  Heck, I was one of those guys who helped wreck it as I used to ride my mountain bike there as well there.  Some skilled riders still do, but for me it would be out of the question. Too many exposed roots, too many slick downhills with obstacles at the bottom, and too many mud holes.  It's just not much fun anymore, even to run

But I much prefer to run on natural surfaces when I can, and so today I thought I would check another spot.  Springwater conservation area is about 13 kms from our house, and what a pleasure.  Funny thing is that I've been at that place numerous times for other reasons, but never once ran or rode on the trails.  Today I took my bike and had a glorious visit, and tomorrow I'm going back to run there.  Nice wide trails, no roots anywhere, some up and down sections, and some beautiful bridges over the swampy parts.  The only hairy part with my bike is that the bridges area narrow and don't have railings.  You probably wouldn't get seriously hurt if you fell off, but you would get seriously slimed, and at this time of year, seriously cold!

Like I said, I'm gonna run there tomorrow, but as soon as I get a chance I'm gonna make a bike video in there for you.

You know one thing I am seriously proud of?  It's my stubbornness.  I'm struggling to grab a hold of life the way I want to, and yet I refuse to lay in my bed.  I believe that if I keep learning new things, and keep fighting for what I deserve I will get there.

Never give up!  Never surrender! (remember that movie?)

“The seeker embarks on a journey to find what he wants and discovers, along the way, what he needs.”---Wally Lamb

Love
Peter

"Quick"

Sign up for something!

I have stopped trying to figure out why and when, I can or cannot run.

And as hard as this may be for you to believe, I'm quite at peace with that.  Hell, it's hard for me to believe!

Today was one of those days that either the flesh, or the spirit, was lacking.  I don't know which?  I never survived the first kilometre, and then I walked most of the remaining 5 or 6.  It was quite pleasant.

But despite the fact that I no longer have an absolute need to know what the issue is, I still lean heavily towards the psychological elements.  But I need more data, so I'm gonna keep doing races as long as they work out for me.

I signed up for another 10K, this one a little more challenging event in London....a few hills.  One week from Sunday I think.

And that's it for today.  Who knows what the future will bring eh?  Peace, love and happiness!

"I try not to get involved in the business of prediction. It's a quick way to look like an idiot."--- Warren Ellis

Love
Peter

"Take Kindly The Counsel of the Years"

"gracefully surrendering the things of youth"

If you were 16 years old in 1971 you would immediately recognize those two lines of "Desiderata".  Not because it was written then, but because it was put to music by a guy named Les Crane around that time, and it became a popular hit.  It was actually written in 1927 by Max Ehrmann.

And while you might not be as intimate with it as the average long haired freak from the seventies, I imagine that you have to be under 25, or over 75, to never have heard of it.

Regardless, it has been of note in our house for many years, as up until just a few months ago we had two copies of it hanging on our walls.  We're down to one now, but I still sometimes reference it to find some wisdom.  The part about getting old has always been one of my favourite bits, probably because it's something I aspire to, as well as something I need to work on.  

I was motivated to go look at it again today after I got back from my bike ride.  Primarily because the ride made me feel 'older' than I was a few years ago, older even than just last year!

For as long as I have been riding seriously, 30 kms/hr has been the benchmark.  No matter how long the ride, I do my best to stay close to that.  Of course I'm referring to riding my triathlon bike, not my mountain bike.

That's why it was relevant once again today, as the sudden glorious spring weather prompted me to get my sped machine out of the basement, and take it for a spin.

It felt nice!  Skinny tires, skinny saddle, skinny frame, all topped by not so skinny me.  I was a bit surprised actually how normal it felt.  Even though it is quite different than riding my mountain bike, I am certain that the last 2 months of the fat tire riding has helped me a lot.  My butt got a wee bit sore, as did my forearms and my shoulders, but all in all, not bad.

But! I rode 50 kms at an average speed of 28.5 kms/hr!!  That's no good!

For a relatively short ride, I admit to a little bit of disappointment.  I know, I know!  If 30 kms/hr was the standard 20 years ago, why should it still be so today?  

Because!  That's why!  

I have to add, that while that number was the lower threshold, I also frequently exceeded it.  Even my 2nd Ironman in 2012 was slightly better than that.

Alas,  I decided that I need to get over it, so I did a bit of research.  When I did my first IM 8 years ago I was in the 50-54 age group, and now I am part of the 60-64 club.  Just for the heck of it I compared those two groups in last years IM Mont Tremblant.  In the younger group there were 60 riders who rode faster than 30 kms hour, while in my current category there were exactly seven!!!  Holy Cow!

Not just that, the 10 year difference resulted in less than 1/5th of the actual finishers!!  (from 212 to 39)

I suddenly felt waaaay better!

While I'm still gonna always shoot for the magic 30 just because it's a nice number, and it results in a 6 hour IM ride, I think that 28 is a more reasonable number for any potential long rides, or even more so for any potential long distance triathlons.   After all, I guess I'm getting older.  I just ain't dead yet!  Game on!

...and while I know I'm supposed to listen to Max and Les, this feels more like me...

"Do not go gentle into that good night but rage, rage against the dying of the light."---Dylan Thomas

Love

Peter

"Yeah, It's Easter"

I love Easter.  It's almost as good as Xmas cause I get to have fun with my grandchildren, and even buy them stuff.  This is gonna be the best ever because Roo and I get them all to ourselves, as Mom is away for a few days of R&R.  Of course we have a new one now as well, but he still don't care much about presents, and certainly doesn't care at all about anything edible that doesn't come out of a tit!

But Easter wasn't always one of my favourite times, as Xmas was.  When I was a kid it started out with some bizarre ceremony that involved painting ashes on my forehead, through forty days  of abstaining from anything good, to 4 straight days of going to church, culminating in Easter morning when you got a small basket made of coloured paper and staples, and containing a few chocolates and some jelly beans.  Small reward it seemed to me.  

But I want to be careful not to seem to slam the religious pageantry that Easter brings, as I know the symbology it important to some.  I get that, I just wish it wasn't all so morbid, 

And while I have no idea how he died (neither does anyone else), I honestly believe that Jesus Christ was a good guy, who's life and times, organized religion has manipulated and massaged beyond the point of recognition.   I think he would have been a good neighbour, and he wouldn't have shamed me for wanting to go see my girlfriend after Good Friday services like my Dad once did.

Besides I loved Jesus Christ Superstar, and I loved Godspell (seen it live on stage). And one of my favourite all time books is by Canadian author Nino Ricci.  It's called Testament, and is an alternate biography of Jesus. Try it, you may like it!!

And what i think about Easter now compared to when I was  kid? Now I think it is simply 

a time for love, 

a time for kindness, 

a time for compassion, 

a time for friendship

a time for tolerance, 

a time for forgiveness,

a time for fellowship,

a time for gentleness,

a time for compassion.

a time for patience,

a time for giving,

a time for healing,

a time for sharing,

a time for togetherness,

a time for motherhood, fatherhood, and grandparenthood,

a time for joy,

a time for peace,

a time for laughter,

a time for christians, muslims, jews, hindus, buddhists, sikhs, and yes,

a time for atheists, polytheists, and all the other theisms that I don't understand

a time for Kylie,

a time for Colby,

a time for Izaiah,

Have a wonderful Easter my friends, however and with whoever you care to celebrate it.

"So I say to you, Ask and it will be given to you; search, and you will find; knock, and the door will be opened for you."---Jesus Christ

Love

Peter

"Running Naked

Figuratively that is!  Still too cold to take all my clothes off!

First off let me explain my absence the last 2 days.  I chose not to blog for a very good reason.  I didn't want to!   I need more practice at not doing stuff.  I still tend to measure every days success by the practical things I achieved that day.  I wish to measure more by what I might call spiritual progress.  Measurement should be less about data, and more about feelings.  Of course as I write that, I realize that having data makes me feel good.  Alas...catch 22.

 But I unintentionally practiced that skill a little bit this morning.  I told you that I was gonna go run a 5K this morning and despite having a really lousy night, and despite the cold and drizzle that started the day I managed to get out of bed.  This by the way was the sight that greeted me outside our bedroom door, both making me feel grateful, and proving that it was duck weather out there.

They've been visiting fairly regularly over the last week, and it makes me wish we had a pond.  But we don't have one, and I don't think our topography would support one, so I will have to content myself with these occasional visitors.  And Byron Katie says that if I don't have a pond it's cause I don't need one.....she's probably right.

But I digress....again.

Back to living less with data, and more on instinct.  As I headed out the door today I took my watch off so that I could replace it with my garmin.  That's the machine that tells me all the critically important data I need to be able to run!!  I can't even go for a leisurely jog without it, or certainly I will fail.

It wasn't until I got to London that I realized I hadn't brought it!!!

No pace data, no distance data, and no heart rate data!!  Holy crap!  Believe it or not, I briefly considered whether I may have time to drive back home and still arrive at the start line on time.  Fortunately sanity prevailed.  After accepting that fact however, I realized that I didn't even have my regular watch with me, which would mean I would not even be able to check my progress at each km mark!  I was gonna have to run the whole 5K without once having any idea of how slow I was going.

I suppose it's an indication of just how far my obsession has reached into my psychi that the idea of running 5 kilometres without anything but my own body to tell me how fast to go would cause me stress.

And I suppose it's also an indication that I should do more of it.

Besides...it all worked out.  Despite the same kind of nervousness that nagged  me last week during the 10K, in hindsight I can honestly say that I was never taxed.  No dizziness, no shortness of breath, no nothing.  It was with some pleasure that when I first seen the clock it said 25 something, and I managed to finish in just under 26 minutes.  Considering my current level of mental and physical health, I consider that a perfect result.

I think there's a message in the fact that I seem to run more comfortably at a race than at home.  I suspect it's the mental and physical warmup that it's hard to find the discipline for on a regular day.  Mind you this kind of preparation should not normally be necessary for a training run, but probably is for me at this point, simply because of my lack of confidence.  But I'm okay with that.  I enjoyed the race very much today once I got started, and so I'm simply gonna do more of them.  If that's all it takes to get me back into a regular running groove I will be very grateful.

"I'm gonna put a curse on you and all your kids will be born completely naked."---Jimi Hendrix

Love
Peter

"Downtown"

As promised I made you a little video.

Right here!

"In the expression unconditional love, the unconditional  is redundant"---Peter W Rooyakkers

"That's Just Crazy"

Or maybe I am??

The day started out in crazy fashion with a remembrance of my dreams.  There were two specifically that are still with me as I write this.

In the first case I was outside hanging around with Kylie and Roo when I noticed that the sky seemed a little odd on this day.  Almost as if I could reach out and touch it.  Sure enough, I could!  I had to leap very far into the air, like 500 metres or something, but when I did touch it, it felt very solid.

Crazy eh?

As I drifted back down to earth, I couldn't help but notice that the sky was following me down.  The whole world seemed to be shrinking!  The last thought I had, either before I went on to the next dream, or before the world ended, was exactly that....the world was ending!!  I remember my only regret being that all of my grandchildren weren't with me at the time.

Crazy eh"

And then I went on to a more rational dream.  I had captured a giant chipmunk with my bare hands.  Knowing full well that catching one of them without some kind of device was impossible, I prepared to set up the trap to capture him normally.  I sat the chipmunk on the ground and told him to wait.  I don't know why I was surprised to find him missing when I was ready to stuff him into the trap?

Crazy eh?

But the whole world really took a turn for the bizarre after I woke up.   As I mentioned yesterday I really need to practice patience with my running now, otherwise I'm gonna be right back where I started from.  My poor attempt yesterday should have clearly imprinted that idea on me, and yet somehow I want desperately to prove that Sunday was no fluke.  Last evening I had this brain wave that I would go and run/walk the trails this morning.  Trails tend to let you relax a bit more, as just being in the trees and running on natural surfaces keeps you grounded, so to speak.  I was quite comfortable with the idea of just doing what I could, and I fully expected to enjoy it.

I had to do all my school shuttle activities first, and they don't end until about 10 am so I was pretty late getting going.  For some reason some nervousness gradually set in,  and in fact by the time I got to the conservation area I was more than a little anxious.  The weather could have had an impact as by that time it was snowing like mad, and I was also starting to wonder about the condition of the trails given the rain we had a few nights ago.  I suspect however that the biggest reason for my nervousness was due to a lack of confidence.  I used to run this 6 km  section of trail with such joy, and with such reckless abandon, and yet it's probably been two years since I even managed to get all the way around without walking.

But I was there, and I was gonna give it a shot!  After all, just two days ago I ran 10 kms totally in control.  Surely trails are a different animal, but I seen no reason I shouldn't be able to jog/walk as needed, and be able to enjoy my efforts.

Within 10 freakin seconds I had to walk because of dizziness.  I know I'm supposed to keep running until I fall down, but I'm pretty sure that I would have, and I didn't think it was the wisest of places to do so.  I could have been seriously hurt, as they are not sunday walk with grampa trails, and I was there by myself.  I walked!

Crazy eh?

But I went on for a minute or so, still intending on doing the route even if I had to walk the whole way. Until I got to the first half frozen mud hole!  No way was I in the frame of mind to plunge my feet into that cold bog, so I turned around and headed back to my truck.  On the walk back I considered various options including running the roads around there, coming home and running my usual roads, or even coming home and taking my bike out.  None of them appealed to me, but as I started driving back I had another brainwave.  Why not return to the scene of my recent success and see what I could do there?  Maybe running at least part of Sundays fun run would get me a little exercise, and if I was very patient, return a little confidence.

Crazy eh?

And this is were it got really bizarre!  It was like deja vu all over again as they say!!  I was very nervous for the first half, started gaining confidence over the next few kms, and ran with total joy for the last couple.  And here''s the kicker.....I did the exact same route faster than race day!!!  By more than a minute!!

Crazy eh?

I don't know what else to say.  No matter which way I twist these things around, no matter which angle I look at it from, no matter how much I read or study running problems, it seems undeniable that my problems are all in my head.  Is it possible that simply believing one can or can not do something can make such a difference, and that it actually manifest itself in physical symptoms this powerful.  Powerful enough to leave me power"less" to do something that my body by itself seems to be quite capable of doing.  I find that utterly fantastic!

Crazy eh?

And that's it.  Tomorrow I am definitely not going running as I know I just need to absorb this a little bit. If the weather cooperates I will try to get a ride in, and perhaps make you a little vid.  I have thoughts to share with you from my latest reading.  I may or may not have told you about the book I was gifted that I'm quite enjoying.  One way or another, I promise more about that in the coming days.

One last thought.  I remember back in my business days dealing with an employee who was off work due to injury, and was having trouble returning.  The doctors told him that he had a somatic disorder, that there was nothing physically wrong with him, and that the insurer was not gonna pay to keep him off any longer.  He/she found the diagnosis impossible to accept, primarily because the symptoms were totally real to him/her.  At the time I wasn't sure if I believed him/her, as it just seemed so unfathomable, especially in light of what had been a fairly minor injury in the first place, that he/she was really hurting as much as he described.  I no longer find it so incredible.....

"Crazy people don't worry about being crazy - that's the whole problem.” ---Anon

Love
Peter

"Patience"

I need to have a little more, or I'm gonna go backwards.  Today I stupidly decided that I could run faster than yesterday.  And I could!  For about 1/3rd of the time!  Idiot!

"Patience is not simply the ability to wait - it's how we behave while we're waiting."---Joyce Meyer

"Have patience with all things, But, first of all with yourself."---Francis de Sales

Love
Peter

"The Shamrock Shuffle"

Maybe I already told you that it's a fundraiser for a local shelter, and obviously held somewhere around the 17th of March.  This is the 5th year of it's existence, and like most things in my community, I was oblivious to it.  Normally I'm not much into these 'fun run' kinds of things, probably because I was always a bit too lofty for such casual running....

Not anymore.  I'm now excited to participate.  Once Kylie decided that she was gonna join me, and along with lots of help from Roo, we decided we needed to get into the spirit of the thing.  Or rather, Kylie decided that 'I' should get in the spirit, and 'she' would help me.

I'm such a sucker!

Actually I quite like it.  I suppose I'm grateful that I have a life and I live in a society where such things are acceptable.  Kylie is quite proud to parade me around town!  And Colby is also tolerant, as long as we don't get too near any of his friends.

As usual, when I got up this morning even my green hair wasn't enough to make me feel like going to the event.  That's not unusual for me, especially when it's still a bit cold outside as it was this morning.  Ky was in a great mood however, and with continued support from Roo, Kylie went and did the 5K while I attempted my first 10K in forever!!

I was nervous starting last night already, but not too bad this morning.  I tried very hard not to let it get too important to me, but when they did this little warmup thing before the start and my heart rate went up over 100 right away, I was suddenly anxious.  But we headed outside, and I believe the cold was exactly what I needed.  I was dressed perfectly, and I really focused on relaxing.  My heart rate very quickly went over 130, and while a few years ago that would have been normal, again I was uncertain what it meant.  At first the kms seems to go by very slowly. I was going just a wee bit faster than I had planned on, but the good news was that my heart rate stayed very even in the mid to high 130's.

To make a long story short I remained anxious for at least 6 kms, always wondering when the end was gonna come. I think it was at about that 6K point however where I started to gain my confidence.  I just keep telling myself that if I could run 6 kms, albeit pretty slowly, that there was absolutely no reason why I couldn't run another 4.  Funny how confidence changes your whole perspective.  The last 4 kms fairly flew by, and rather than slowing down, I ran faster.  The course was more than a half kilometre short (fun run :), but in true anal, Rooyakkers fashion, I kept running until my watch said 10 kms!!

I consider it at least a small victory.  While I once ran 10 kms in 37 mins and change, and today I was just over 57 minutes, I am prouder of this day than that one.  On that other day 15 or so years ago I only had to overcome the limitations of my body.  Today I had to do not just that, but conquer my mind as well.  Believe me. that's a much bigger challenge.

And I think the most significant indicator of progress today was my heart rate.  It did exactly what it should have done, for the entire 57 minutes!  Amazing!  Here's my heart rate overlaid on my pace.  Thing of beauty eh? 

So onwards and upwards.  I'm trying hard not to let my mind run out of control with possibilities, but at the very least there is no longer any excuse for less than 10 kms of running on any given day.  And when I do have a bad day I will remember today, and know that the bad day is just an exception.  

Special thanks again to my honey today for making it possible for Kylie to join me.  Roo ran with her.   I need to find a good Dutch holiday "fun run", so that I can colour my hair orange!!  Stay tuned!!

"It is best to act with confidence, no matter how little right you have to it."---Lilian Hellman

Love

Peter

"On Death & Taxes"

According to the saying, the only two things in this world that are certain.  And while I get the humour in the expression, the two are not really in the same category.  For instance, the one caused me to miss just one post, where as the other one would have ended the blog forever.

Yes, that's my excuse for not writing anything last night.  After doing the family taxes in their entirety, and then repeating the whole process after I somehow closed the program and deleted everything, I was a bit bagged.  For many reasons we had about 3 times as much data to enter as ever before, and I was just too tired to talk with you. 

And while I immediately felt grateful for tax software, after some thought I realized how dumb that was.  If I had done it all on paper, it would not have disappeared into the ethernet with one errant click!

The other big difference between death and taxes, is of course the fact that you can cheat on the latter.        There's even a very good chance that you won't get caught, but it still won't help you to live any longer.  And just for the record, I never cheat.  If there's any ambiguity in the rules however I live by the philosophy that it's better to beg forgiveness, than to ask permission and get told no.  :)

And while my episode with the computer got me thinking about the taxes part of the expression, it was my recent reading that has me thinking about death.  Not for the first time of course.  After all, I got only 20 years left!  But I had a new thought.  Let me see if I can express it.

If I arrive at that spot where I am completely and honestly at peace with myself and my place in this world, then I will no longer have any fear of death. That being the case, shouldn't it motivate me to hurry up and get there?  i know that in a way that may seem contradictory, because if you were totally happy would you not want to live forever?....but....I honestly don't think so, at least not for me.  I think that state of total peace would transcend life.  Actually I'm sure of it!

And that's it.  Big coming out day tomorrow, where I try to run 10 kms.  I'm cautiously optimistic.   Roo and Ky are gonna join me, and do the 5K.  I promise a few pictures 

And a special thanks today to the other Ky in my life, for the bonus unexpected hug!   Beauty!!

"Dying is just like living.  It has it's own way, and you can't control it.  People think, I want to be conscious when I die. That's hopeless.  Even wanting to be conscious ten minutes from now is hopeless.  You can only be conscious now.  Everything you want, is here in this moment."---Byron Katie

Love

Peter

"True Love"

How does this happen?

My precious and I are both light sleepers.  Unfortunately both of us have a tendency to be noisy sleepers as well. This sometime results in one or the other of us being driven to the spare bed at some point during the night.  On those occasions the challenge is to try to sneak out without waking the noisy one, so that at least one of us gets some interrupted shuteye.

Last night we went to our marriage bed as usual, and I'm pleased to say that we woke up this morning in the same bed.

The kicker is, that while we woke up in the same bed, it was not the same bed we went to sleep in!

Yup!  I left first, and went to the spare room, and at some point in the night she joined me!!

I fell in love all over again!

Life is good.

...and ya gotta like this one...

"We love life, not because we are used to living but because we are used to loving."---Friedrich Nietzsche

Love
Peter

"Totally Random"

I signed up for a 10 km fun run and fundraiser this coming Saturday!  What the heck eh?  I can always walk.  The money goes to Inn Out Of The Cold, a local shelter, which is really what motivated me to sign up.

Pope Frank says that Mother Teresa gets to be a Saint come September.  Apparently some lady in Calcutta says she had a stomach tumour that got better after praying to Teresa.  It seems that was the second one, and I guess 2 miracles is all it takes.  I'm good with that cause I know the catholics need their saints, but I still don't understand why her, and not my mother??  It don't make sense to me.  Oh well.  Mom ain't the only saint I've had the honour to know, and if the truth be known I suspect the Pope misses the vast majority of them, simply because saints generally prefer to remain in the shadows.

Oh, and as an aside.  I'm kinda pissed to find out that a simple prayer to Mother Teresa could have fixed Sally's stomach.  Then again she wasn't Catholic, so perhaps she wouldn't qualify eh?

Got my building permit to rebuild our shed.  Gotta start getting quotes now.  Jon is gonna frame it, and everything else we will farm out.

I've come to realize that Canada Post is a truly amazing operation.  The fact that any mail gets delivered by an organization where perhaps one in 10 employees actually cares whether it gets delivered, is truly remarkable.   They must have some seriously robust processes, no doubt designed by outsiders.   Needless to say Roo is one of the 10%, and it causes her some serious stress to deal with all the puppy makers!!

Elly's comment the other day about needing a mission hit home to me.  I think I've known for a while that I gotta find a new passion, but I continue to deny it because I get scared. I'm not sure what of, but fear is definitely the problem.   I'll work on that.

I love my bicycle!  Have I  told you that before?  :) Today I just headed up town to see if I could find Roo, and after achieving that, scouting out Saturdays run route, and then going to the ice cream store with Ky, I ended up logging more than 40 kms!!

My big sister Cory turns 65 years old later this year.  Why does that surprise me? After all, I'm only 4 years behind her.  Maybe that's why I love bike riding.  It's hard to feel old when you're pedalling your ass off, going around a corner at 30 kms an hour, with Pink Floyd banging on your ear drums!!

I can't figure out why my natural disposition seems to be of a critical nature?  I can find something wrong with everything, and everybody.  Mind you I'm not apologizing, just wondering whether monitoring that tendency a bit may be good for me?

I love my bicycle!  Some time I think that if I could just keep riding forever, I would find all the answers I'm looking for.

I can't stop thinking that I want to do another Ironman.  Is that just because of the lack of some more useful mission?  Probably eh!

Speaking of which, back in my business days whenever we would start a new organization we would always go through the process of establishing the Vision, Mission and Values for that undertaking.  I'm thinking once again of doing this on a personal level.  I already know what my vision is, have a good idea of the values I hold true, but sure enough, the mission part is missing.  That suggests I suppose that I know where I want to go, know how I want to act getting there, but just don't know what the f*%k I'm actually doing!!

And I think that''s enough gibberish for today.  I leave you with another quote out of this fabulous new book I was gifted by my friends Ky and Deb.

.....this one was written just for me I think...oh and maybe for Old John as well :)

"All the advice you ever gave your partner is for you to hear"---Byron Katie

Love
Peter

"I Think I Can, I Think I Can"

As I walked out to the road in this mornings drizzle it was without too much enthusiasm.  It felt very much like one of those days where the first kilometre was gonna be the end of me.  When I arrived at the end of the laneway I realized that I was wearing the crappy headphones that were gonna fall out constantly. I turned around to get the other ones, and decided I would just jog a few steps as I headed back to the house.  That would probably confirm the futility of trying to do much running today, and sure enough, my legs were dead.  I knew for sure it wasn't gonna work.

But wait a minute I thought!  Did I know it wasn't gonna work,  Was that actually true?  Could I be absolutely sure it was true?

Or heaven help me....did I just think it was true?

In the brief space of time it took to process all that, my whole perspective changed.

I went back in the house and got my headphones, and this time when I came out, I started jogging right away rather than wait til the end of the driveway.

After 49 minutes and eight kilometres I was tired, and so I walked for another two!!

I think I can!  I know I can!

"When a thought hurts, that's the signal that it isn't true"---Byron Katie

Love
Peter

"Today's Sermon"

After all, it is Sunday!  I always wanted to climb up on that huge pulpit that the priests had when I was a kid.  There were actually a full set to stairs to get up there!!  How cool it would be to stand up there and pontificate, while the huddles masses had to at least pretend to listen.

Alas, all I have is my bicycle.  Todays sermon from the saddle can be found here.

And also a short teaser that gives you a sense of the capability of this little camera.....if you like, that's also here.

"The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible."---George Burns

Love
Peter

"Life's a Hoot"

All I got for you today is an audio quote!

Right here!

Love
Peter

"Talking to Myself"

I went and got all the stuff I needed to be able to record better audio, while having the camera mounted on the front of the bike.  Got it home and all tested, and headed out for my ride.  I shared all kinds of brilliant thoughts for you, and couldn't wait to get back home to review it.

Alas....I was talking to myself.  I have no idea what I did wrong because I checked it out again when I got back, and it all seemed to be fine. Perhaps I didn't have something plugged in correctly when I actually got on the bike.

Oh well.  I've often said that it's good for me just to talk through stuff, so that's what I'm going with.  Now if only I could remember what I said.  :)

I do admit to a little frustration however, and so you're not gonna get much of a post tonite.  Or perhaps I should say you're spared reading much of a post.

I'll try again in a few days.

...and when you talk to yourself, which one of the following do you engage?

“Our best friend and our worst enemy reside within us. Unfortunately, most of us access the latter far more often than the former.”---Maddy Malhotra

...I don't like my own answer.

Love
Peter

"Tomorrow"

I know you're supposed to live just for today, but at some point in time ya gotta think about tomorrow.  I'm really looking forward to friday...

cause it's friday,
cause it doesn't involve any lawyers or any dentists,
cause I get to drive my grandchildren to school in the morning and buy them donuts,
cause I get to workout at my leisure, no appointments,
cause it's one day closer to my saturday visit with the Zadilskys,
cause it's gonna be 10 degrees with at least some sunshine,
cause I'm alive!!!

who could blame a guy for just peeking ahead one day?

Mind you today was a decent day as well.  The lawyer was a whole lot less painful than the dentist of the last 2 days.  For obvious reasons, but also because he confirmed all of my beliefs.  It's full speed ahead in putting the executorship to bed.  Hopefully in 3 weeks it's all done!!  If not, I'm gonna sue someone!!  I ain't kidding.  It's gonna turn decidedly legal if I get any more freaking grief!!  But I do think it will work out now.  In case you don't recognize it Old John, what I'm doing is preparing for the worst, but expecting the best :)

I also walked 9 kms and ran one, although painfully, excruciatingly slow....sigh....

Such is life.

....and this one's for you Elly.....

"Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow."---Melody Beattie

Love
Peter

"Ya Gotta Believe"

I don't mean that in the rah-rah cheerleader kind of way, but rather in a more literal way.  In order to achieve something or arrive somewhere, you first have to believe it's possible.  For example, you wouldn't be very successful training for an Ironman if you didn't think you were capable of it.

Same goes for everything I think, but especially when it comes to the really important things.  Things like finding your own little bit of peace and happiness.

I realized today that it's perhaps the first thing I should be working on.  I'm trying my best to do the work necessary, and yet it's hard to stay motivated to do the reading and to practice the skills when it seems like an insurmountable mountain.

It's great when the man says you have to accept that the worst may happen, and that you have to come to terms with that before you can grow, but what about when the idea of the worst happening is so discouraging that you can't see a way to be happy if it ever did come to pass?

I think it's a fair question, and one that merits some consideration.

How to start believing??

Oh, and by the way, I believe that I can run a kilometre without any serious consequences and so that's what I'm gonna do.  Despite warnings to myself about going very slow, I indeed started to try too hard with my running, and now I'm right back to square one.  So now it's one km at a time, and very gradually build it up.  I believe that is possible.

Oh, and lots of walking and cycling of course.  I also believe that is possible.

"Faith is to believe what you do not see; the reward of this faith is to see what you believe."--- Aurelius Augustinus Hipponensis (also known as St Augustine, but if he really was a good guy, he wouldn't want to be called that)

...and is it just me, or does this not make any sense???...

"Don't limit yourself. Many people limit themselves to what they think they can do. You can go as far as your mind lets you. What you believe, remember, you can achieve."---Mary Kay Ash

....and one just for my friend Gail.....

"I do believe we're all connected. I do believe in positive energy. I do believe in the power of prayer. I do believe in putting good out into the world. And I believe in taking care of each other."--- Harvey Fierstein

...and even though I get discouraged and share my frustrations, don't think I'm ever gonna quit...

"Life is not easy for any of us. But what of that? We must have perseverance and above all confidence in ourselves. We must believe that we are gifted for something and that this thing must be attained."--- Marie Curie

Love
Peter

"I Bought A New Tape Measure"

It was only 10 bucks but it's still probably best that no one tells Claudette.  So far I've kept her convinced that she is the one with the bigger OCD problem, and I would like to keep it that way.  Sure, I do a few things, like spelling the same word over and over again in my head, or trying to get just the right amount of steps in between cracks in the pavement, but everyone does that don't they?  I like to think of my attachment to tape measures as more of an appreciation for all things technical, than any kind of obsession.   Besides, you can never have too many tape measures.

Okay, okay...perhaps I just bought it to make myself feel better in the midst of a mediocre day.  I just could not find a lot of passion for life on this particular Tuesday.  I'm afraid I let the dentist freak me out a bit before I even got there, and then I couldn't quite get myself in gear to do anything useful afterwards.  You see the dentist has been a huge problem for me ever since my illness because I cannot open my mouth very far, and I can't swallow with my mouth open.  This means I just about drown every time I go visit him.  You see, the water runs right down my effin windpipe, and I come up gagging every two minutes  I have to ask him not to tilt me very far back or it would be totally hopeless. And so you don't think there's any vanity involved here, please know that I do the bare minimum to keep my crumbling old teeth together.  Many of them are more filling than tooth! And in case you've forgotten I always have the old Osteoradionecrosis threat hanging over my head.  I'll let you look that one up if you care, but simply put, dental surgery could be a very bad thing for me.

But I soldier on.  The day tight compartment philosophy has stopped me in my negative story writing a few times already, and I will continue to practice it.  Chapter two is all about accepting the worst possible out come as a possibility, and then working on solutions.  Kind of like planning for the worst, but expecting the best.  :) I'm still struggling with that a bit as it seems to me there is real danger of self fulfillment once one starts planning for the worst??  I need to re-read the chapter and then I'll discuss some more.  Also I need to make sure that I don't give Old John any credit in case Mr Carnegie agrees with him!  That admission might drive me to buy another tape measure!!

And I think there's a solution out there to my bike riding video/voice recording challenge.  It just means I have to spend some money on a different case, as well as a lapel mic for the GoPro. The limitation will be that I will not be able to use it in inclement conditions, because the case won't be waterproof.  I think I'm gonna do it though, because I really enjoy making the videos, and I think it looks much better with the camera on the front of the bike.  Maybe I'll sell a few of my tape measures on Kijiji to collect a few extra bucks.

And that's about it, except for one last thought.  It was indeed another beautiful day, and even though I had to walk instead of run, it occured to me to wonder how anyone could look up at the sky and see the sun, and still doubt the existence of God....whatever you conceive him to be...Amazing!

 Back to the dentist tomorrow, but I promise not to let it get to me again.

"For my part, whatever anguish of spirit it may cost, I am willing to know the whole truth; to know the worst and provide for it."---Patrick Henry

"Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man."---Friedrich Nietzsche

Love
Peter

"Hello Family and Friends"

I had a wonderful bike ride today in this glorious weather, and I even took the camera.  I think I told you that I was gonna try mounting it on the handlebars, and indeed I got that nicely set up.  Sadly, while it took nice video that way, you can not hear a word I'm saying.  I suspect that the mic is somewhere on the front, as well as inside the waterproof case, and as such I got nice humming noises from my front wheel on the pavement, and also pretty good clicking noises from my shifters, with very gear change.

But if you could have heard me talk, you would have been as inspired as I was!  Well maybe not quite, but still It seemed like I was making sense to myself.  I have been giving lots of thought to the power of anxiety and worry, and I'm pretty convinced that if left unchecked it will slyly take over your life.  While I'm sure there are people much more afflicted than I am, I think I'm pretty fragile myself.

I had a couple of indictors recently of just how vulnerable I am.  The big one of course was John's  death, and everything associated with it.  While it's natural to grieve, and even natural to worry about his loved ones, I was surprised by how unstable it left me feeling.

Then just last night as I tried to approach one of Sally's beneficiaries about closing out her will, and got a nasty rebuke, my stress level skyrocketed in a period of about 5 mins!!  Back when I was working, a little problem like that would not even have registered on my tension scale, and now it leaves me in the bathroom looking for a sedative!!

The third reminder of my fragility has been a recent regression to my running.  I am back to the point where I am unable to run for a kilometre, and I am 100% convinced that somehow, something happens in my body that is triggered by worry.  My heart rate goes down, my chest gets tight, and very soon my legs simply give out.

And if I look back on the last 4 years I can find lots of excuses for being so anxious, but it really doesn't matter why I am, where I am.  The only thing that matters is getting better.  The first step of course is acknowledgement, but that's certainly not the total cure.  It ain't gonna get better by itself!  I believe the chronic anxiety that I live with can be beaten, but just like any other illness it's gonna take time and effort.  Akin perhaps to quitting smoking, or to beating any addiction I suppose, it will take work!

So I believe the answers to my problems are out there and so I'm on a quest to find them.  I have started by reading a very old book (1948) written by the famous Dale Carnegie.  You may know him better as the author of one of the  best selling self help books of all time, How to win friends and influence people. 

Chapter one of the book is about living for today, and he uses the analogy of a ship that can close off water tight compartments to keep it safe from sinking.  He says we need to live in day tight compartments, by willfully closing off yesterday and tomorrow.  I'm working on that as I consider the reality that I have a dentist appt tomorrow :))

So that's it for today.  In closing I need to ask you once more to keep Jean, Alisha, Ben, Jonathan, and Izaiah in your thoughts.  Once the funeral is over and everyone else goes home to their loved ones, you get to go home without yours.  I state that as a reality, while at the same time I remain determined to learn from John's life, rather than let his death get me down.

And just for the fun of it I'm gonna leave you with just a few minutes of my ride, sans vocals.  I've showed you this little downhill stretch before but it looks more cool with the camera mounted out front.  Enjoy!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VepAak8rs3k&feature=youtu.be

And when you start thinking you got a big problem, just remember,

"It's a small thing, in a big world"---John Gregory Zadilsky

Love
Peter

"Poof"

I've been struggling with how to best remember John.  Every time I'd start with something it seemed like it was gonna be a long, sad, undertaking.  I couldn't see the point.

So while I'm a still sad for Jean and the family, I've decided not to be sad for John.  After all, he had 55 years.  There are several countries in Africa where the average life expectancy hovers around 45!!,

John loved fishing....he did lots of it.
John loved hot rods...he owned several, and still had one in the garage.
John loved telling corny jokes....and so he never stopped.
....and best of all....
John loved building things....so he made a career of it.

So yes.  Poof!  Here one minute, gone the next, so you better be doing stuff you like.

But I hate fishing, never could get into cars, and I only like subtle humour.

But, I love building stuff.  I got the call about Izaiah's other grampa just as I was starting this.

And I finished it up today.  It's forever gonna be connected with my thoughts of him. 

Peace brother!

And if I told John that it wasn't very hard, I absolutely guarantee that his response would have been...

"That's what SHE said"---John Gregory Zadilsky.

Love

Peter

"Remembering John"

With a few days of silence. I'll give him my personal send off after the funeral on Friday.

"I want him back telling his stupid jokes"---Jean Nagel Zadilsky

Love
Peter