"tadaaaaaa!"

Is that how you spell that?
Regardless, here you go.

I think it's funny that if I had applied to go to university after high school they would have laughed at me.  All they needed now was a copy of my birth certificate!  Funny.

Anyway, I think I'm supposed to choose some courses now, so I better get at it.  I'm gonna start pretty slow, portably going with just one course to start out.  We shall see.

"Don't let schooling interfere with your education.'---Mark Twain

Love
Peter

"If You Can't Beat Em"

I'm gonna have to accept this aging thing at some point.  I'm still mystified by my lack of strength and endurance, but like it or not, that also becomes inevitable at same point.

So while I will continue to resist this deterioration with every ounce of will inside of me, I may also try to find out if there are any advantages to my senior citizenship.

I've discovered one already!!

Did you know that many Ontario Universities offer free tuition to senior citizens. Yah!  Free!  Full degree programs, either full or part time!  Free!!
Furthermore did you know that UWO is one of them!!  Yup!  Just down the road!
But here's the real scoop.  You only have to be 60 years old, and that I am!!!

I can't freakin believe it!

I have already met with an advisor and she assures me that I will have no problem getting accepted.  It will be a dream fulfilled to study psychology, and I may even consider a minor in philosophy.

Do you believe it?  Holy unbelievable Batman!

The crazy thing is that I knew from Michael that there were some uni's that paid tuition for seniors, but neither of us knew that UWO did,  and  more importantly to me, that the age requirement was 60.  We were chatting idly about this the other day, and unbeknownst to either of us, the other one went home to google it.  This happened so simultaneously that it was freaky!!  It was plain good luck, because we both assumed that you had to be sixty five, and as such there was really no rich to investigate further.  Wow!  They invented a word just for stuff like this.  Serendipity!!

So there you have it!  It's good to be old eh?

And while I can't do half the stuff I used to do, I can still do stuff.  I was picking up lumber at the local yard today and I got frustrated with the young guy handling the other end of the 6X6's.  Without being rude I just started picking them up by myself and throwing them in the trailer.  After I put one in, he would wait patiently for me by the pile to pick up the other end of the one he had chosen next.  He was totally good watching grampa doing 3/4's of the work.

And yes, one more time....free tuition for me!!!

...and I think this explains my lumber yard story...

"Old age is ready to undertake tasks that youth shirked because they would take too long."---W. Somerset Maugham

....then again maybe it also explains why this old grampa is now prepared to undertake this university thing, where as the young Peter never even considered it....

You know what else just occurred to me?  I think it's been the dialogue that this blog has precipitated, that as much as anything got me thinking about this.  I thank you all for that, but I would be remiss if I didn't thank Old John specifically for yanking my chain so often. :)

Love
Peter

Here ya go!

"Shhhh"

I had no intention of posting anything tonite because I am so tired, and so sore, but I decided that it wouldn't be fair.  You see I've been keeping a little secret for a few days, I think probably because I was not sure if it was true.

Or perhaps I was afraid that giving voice to it might make it not true.

Regardless, here it is.  In my very soft, very quiet, inside voice.  Please don't tell anyone else.

....for several days in a row I have not woken to the darkness at 6 am...

Don't say another word!

"A mans true secrets are more secret to himself than they are to others."---Paul Valery

Love
Peter

"Sweet Sixteen"

I was 16 years old when I entered grade 12.  By that time I had discovered sex, and drugs, and rock and roll, and while I thought I was all grown up by that time, looking back I am astounded.  How did I ever grow up?

I think what saved me was all the hard work I put into my studies, as evidenced by my transcript.
Have a peek.

I love it!  I'm joe technical, and I got 32 in shop, and 18 in math!!  What's really astounding however is that they still gave me a freakin diploma!!  Thank you Charlie Hyde!!

And that's it.  I thought you might enjoy the smile.  I found it while rooting in the files looking for something else.

Love
Peter

"Todays Top Ten"

As I sit down to write this I don't actually have 10.  Ten what you say?  Well, the 10 top things I like about trail running,

First off, please notice that I said "running, although I don't actually run.  While I have pretty well gotten over the senseless 'hope' that I will run again, there is still part of me that believes that it will come back, and even I think, come back with a passion.

And no I don't know when, but I'm confident enough to place a small wager that it will be sometime. We shall see,

Anyhooo....you may think that that attitude doesn't sound like that of a depressed person, and indeed, just as I type the words I'm thinking the same thing.   hmmmm?

I'm not going any further with that thought for today.  I think I'll just park it in a corner of my mind where I can haul it out tomorrow morning, and perhaps other mornings after that.

Speaking of mornings, there is no doubt that Frits the dog has a profound effect on mine.  I think if I could manage to get up at sunrise and stay comatose just until him and I were out there somewhere, my life would be a whole lot better.  I try to express my gratitude to Adrian but I don't think I really get it across well.  No matter.  Im grateful, and I know he's grateful for my support, so what else matters eh?

But!  This is supposed to be a top ten so without further ado, here we go.  The top ten reasons to go to the trails.  Remember I don't have a top ten.  I'm making them up as I go.

10)  There are no cars there!  No trucks, no buses and not a single cop, ambulance, or fire truck!

  9)   When it's cold outside, it's warmer in the trails.

  8)   When it's hot outside, it's cooler in the trails.

  7)  You meet new people, and new dogs, almost every day.

  6)  You will most likely never meet a cat!  Nice  :)

  5)  If you fall down it doesn't hurt too bad.

  4)  You can pee when you want (behind a tree), poop when you want(behind a bigger tree), hell you could probably even have sex out there if you kept an eye out.  (The only recommendation I would make here is that you have someone to enjoy the sex with.  While you will probably get into some trouble for boinking your honey out there, our society frowns much more on old men having sex by themselves in a public place.  Strange eh?  :)

  3)  You don't need, or in my case, even want to bring music.  I have not though about carrying my iPod for months  Don't even know where it is.  I have no desire to block out the external sounds of the frogs, the birds,  the brooks, etc.  Very cool.

  2)  I think I can safely say that I have never come back from a trail run/jog/walk in worse spirits than when I left.  I could not always say that about running on the pavement..

...and the number one reason I like to go to the trails is because I can wear these!

  1)

I bought them several years ago and probably wore them 3 times.  I hauled then out a few weeks ago and they have become my 'shoes' of choice.  They feel like bare feet with traction.  They are especially useful for crossing the creeks.  You get a great feeling for the bottom, and you feel secure over the rocks.  The best part is that they dry quickly, and they don't chafe even the slightest afterwards.  They now have even more rugged ones, designed specifically for trail running so I may ask Roo for a pair of them.  When's mothers day?  :)

And I think that's it for today. I know I went a bit beyond the bare top ten model, but like I said up front, "I was winging the whole thing".

Lastly today a big shout out to my extra daughter Alisha.  I am still so often surprised by the miracle of her.

...I like this one...

"We rarely think to mark the trail for others to follow. 'Live and learn,' we say, acknowledging the value of experience. We usually forget about 'Live and teach."---Marilyn Ferguson

Love

Peter

"I Think I'm Gonna Retire"

I tried it once before but not very successfully.  And I think I know why.  I did once have a very loose  retirement vision which generally involved driving around North America with my honey.  We would motorhome from place to place, taking time and turns each day to ride or run ourselves to happiness.  Along the way there would be several triathlon competitions in which I would participate.  Included would be stops to visit many of my old American friends, even the ones who voted for Trump! I even dreamed of driving all the way to Brazil to visit with some dear people there, and of course, to do Ironman Brazil.

Of course you can envision all you like, if you don't have a plan to put things in place then your vision is just a dream, and will never materialize into anything more substantial.  I know.  I had that drummed into my head by my various Magna mentors for 27 years!

And I think I would probably have formalized a good plan if it hadn't been for the "early"retirement that those same mentors "planned" for me.  Apparently they had a vision of a Magna without yours truly, about 2 years earlier than mine

But I'm pretty resilient, and since they happily paid me to not be there for those 2 years, who was I to argue, and so Roo and I set off for a return to Penticton.  My entire life suddenly became a lot less structured, which although that sounds great in itself, I should have taken a time-out and that point to "think".  I should have revisited my retirement vision, and I should have created a plan to support it.

I did neither.  We had so much fun travelling across Canada, that we subsequently headed to Mont Tremblant a year later, with nothing concrete in mind beyond that.

And I think that even at that point I would have been okay, because after a successful race in Quebec I think I would  have been able to stand back and think things out.

But alas, it wasn't meant to be.  I crashed!  Physically, and eventually, emotionally.  What was supposed to be the high point of my life as relates to emotional and physical health, quickly spiralled downwards into another 2 years of banging my head harder and harder against the proverbial wall.  The only thing that mattered was finishing that damn race!!

What retirement vision?
What retirement plan?

So I'm gonna think about that a bit.  The one thing I know for sure is that I'm not satisfied with where I'm at.  I've got only 18 1/2 years left so while I think it's important to get the new plan in place, I also think that it needs to be a good plan, and it needs to be driven by a great vision!

I await your profound input!

"The best time to start thinking about your retirement is before the boss does."---Anon

....and I like this one a lot....

"The afternoon knows what the morning never suspected."---Robert Frost

Love

Peter

"Never Again"

Another useless antidepressant drug bites the dust, and leaves me with nothing but the withdrawal symptoms.  I tried this one for 6 weeks without any apparent change in the way I wake up in the morning.  I have always been sceptical about this type of drug, primarily because there seems to be no definitive way to prescribe them.  No one can say which ones are best for which situation.  It is all a big trial and error zoo, in which the drug companies are the major circus leaders!!

Right now I'm just sick.  My head feels like its full of sand, and every few minutes someone gives it a shake.  It's now been 6 days since I started to wean my self off with the doctors guidance, and despite the fact that I have since started a new one, each day has gotten worse.

And yes, you heard that right.  I'm trying one last time.  It's an older drug this time, quite a bit different than the one I just quit.  And while I have no idea if it will help me either, I can at least assure you that it will be the last anti-depressant I will ever use.  Never again!

...and I'm sure I've used this one before but it's one of my all time favourites, from one of my all time favourite movies...

"Never, give up. Never surrender."  I'd be interested if anyone (besides Michael) recognizes it?

Love

Peter

"Stop Wanting What You Don't Have"

'What you have is what you want', one of the self help gurus says.  And while I generally agree that wanting what you don't have is wasteful, as well as an impediment to happiness, there is a part of me that wants to add a caveat.  That is this.  If you stop wanting what you don't have, then how do you ever get it?  That's right.  Before you get it, you generally have a yearning for it. And I think many things are worth wanting, and worth having.  Even "thing" things!  For me an example is our home.  We worked very hard to make it ours. and we treasure it like no other thing.

Of course my caveat is much easier to accept when I relate it to "non-thing" things.  For example, who would ever question wanting happiness, or peace, or family or health? 

I also see another problem with my title statement.  For me at least, to stop wanting what I don't have sounds like giving up.  For example, I want my physical vitality back, and until someone gives me a damn good reason that I can't have it, I ain't gonna stop wanting it.

So that brings me to the crux of the matter. 

"Stop Wanting What You 'Can't' Have"

Yah...that make sense....except?

You remember the old serenity prayer?

God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.

The last part is the hard part, just like figuring out what you can or can't have.

And I'm tired.  Part of me just wants to stop being so stubborn about reacquiring my physical and emotional health.  Just start sitting on the couch and vegetating until someone has to come and take care of me.  I could use more drugs (I'm thinking marijuana might be a good start), and certainly lots of sedatives, and pain killers.  And sleeping 12-14 hours a day would also be good.

But....stubborn is my nature.  So at least until someone tells me what I can't have, and probably for a long time after that, I'm gonna keep wanting some things I don't/can't have.  

But....stubborn is my nature.  So I also better apply some of it to the ongoing quest to finding out what I can't have, because lusting after the impossible, is indeed a recipe for depression.

That's it.  I don't know if this post makes any sense, and I ain't even gonna go back and proof read it.    

And a very huge shout-out today to my precious nephew Jason as he continues his magical journey with his friend AML  (look it up)   Your courage amazes me Jay!  I love you to the moon and up!!

...and on wanting...

If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion."---Dalai Lama

Love

Peter

"Lord Help me Jesus"

I get so riled up!   I want to tell you all about it, but I think it's best I don't.  The absolute insanity of religion makes me feel nauseous.  Jesus would be disgusted with what me make of him.

Maybe tomorrow I'll be over it.  After all, its easter, and I think the easter bunny is a damn good idea!

Here comes Peter Cottontail!

'I’ve hidden all the Easter candy for the kids inside my stomach"---Anon

Love
Peter

"Good Friday"

It was a pretty good friday, even though I didn't accomplish too much.
I took Frits to the trails, then I took him to the dog park, and then I gave him a bath.  Roo helped with that part.

As to "Good" friday I don't have much to say.  I think that's the nuns fault.  Along with the emotional and physical abuse they heaped on me, they also taught me not to say anything, if I couldn't say anything good!

And like I said.  Not so much stuff got done, but it made for a damn good friday!

And since I couldn't find a good, good friday quote, I give you this.  I think it's why I've been so drawn to Izaiah and Frits lately

“The only creatures that are evolved enough to convey pure love are dogs and infants.”---Anon

Love
Peter

"Such Wisdom"

I love it when I can provoke others into sharing their thoughts.  I know I don't have many readers left after some sporadic posting, but I cherish each and every one of them.  I am especially grateful for those who take the time to express their detailed thoughts.  Although I'm a pretty opinionated guy (smile) I like to believe that given some contrasting opinions, I am open to flexing mine.

So  thank you, Mike, John, and Lish for your recent contributions.

After reading your stuff I wish to "update" some of my thoughts on depression.  I will concede that indeed those people that have the challenge, or opportunity if you will,  of either working with, or living with a depressed person or persons, may indeed be qualified to talk about it.  I like the distinction that Mike makes between sadness and depression, as indeed they are radically different things in my opinion.  I believe that sadness can much more readily be influenced by changing ones thoughts, than depression can.  Depression has many physiological factors that can't just be changed by positive thinking. 

I also like the point that John makes and that Lish expresses in a different way, that it's quite possible to understand well enough to be able to discuss depression, without being able to understand what it feels like.  Certainly that is contrary to my quote which specifically mentions "talking".

The last point I wish to discuss that seems to be of interest, is why do I talk about it?  I know exactly why I talk about it, and I am convinced that this is an area where I have a keen insight.  Trust me, it has nothing to do with educating anyone, even though I love the dialogue.  Tell me what you think.  

I talk about it out of fear.  Desperation even!  When I stop talking about the pain, and start collapsing into myself, I know it's a very dangerous place to go.  The only reason I ever hesitate is to avoid causing pain to those around me, especially my partner.  But I try to remember that I am important enough to my loved ones that they want me to do what I need to do.   

John, I am 100% convinced that  while whining about certain aspects of life can indeed be self fulfilling, (money, family, job etc), the exact opposite is true for any kind of mental or emotional illness.  One needs to talk about such things, and talk lots.  I am convinced that many people die needlessly at their own hands, because those around them mistook their reduced complaining for improvement in their condition, whereas in actual fact, the sick person had simply given up.  How often do you hear this at the funeral home?  "I thought he was doing so much better".

That may sound dramatic, but since I've decided to be candid, I may as well go all the way.  In the past year I have considered suicide many times, but unfortunately for me that's not a way out.  I say unfortunately because for me it would be so easy to just drift away from my pain.  The problem is I'm  too loved, and I love too much.  I guess that's not really a problem eh?   And thoughts of suicide are easy do dispel, just by thinking about my grandchildren.  

And if it seems intolerable that some one as lucky as I am can feel so desperate, trust me I think the exact same thing.  It is intolerable, unconscionable, ridiculous, absurd, and very, very, hard to understand.  Part of talking so much about it is in a continuing effort to find some answers that make sense.  

Anyway, I don't know if my theory holds water in any clinical sense, but it's clear in my own case.   I can not stop talking about it until I'm better.

Thanks for reading.  Love you all.  

...and I suspect this person understands what depression "feels" like...

“That's the thing about depression: A human being can survive almost anything, as long as she sees the end in sight. But depression is so insidious, and it compounds daily, that it's impossible to ever see the end.” ---  Elizabeth Wurtzel, Prozac Nation

Love

Peter

"Analogies"

I love analogies.  They help me understand things that are foreign or new to me, and as well, I like to develop my own to help get my message across.

So I want to share a powerful memory that I think is a great analogy for depression.

I was probably 15 or 16 years old at the time, living on the farm (I hadn't been thrown out yet), and I had been assigned a task by father dearest.  I don't remember their exact purpose but it involved pounding some stakes in the ground near the end of the driveway.  While at that age I studiously applied myself to avoiding any work, once I did get caught up in something, I usually worked hard.  I remember swinging that sledge hammer with great enthusiasm, even though it was a very awkward position due to the slope on the edge of the drive.  Things were going along swimmingly, until one blow of the hammer glanced off the side of the stake, and then consequently glanced off the top of my knee cap!!!!

I tell you I can still fucking feel it 45 years later!!!!

So to connect the analogy.  Like depression, the crushing pain of the hammer was a surprise.  Like depression, your mind tells you it should stop hurting soon, but soon never seems to come!  Like bouts of depression, you just wanna curl up in a ball and die right at  that moment!  And like depression, unless you have ever hit your self on the knee cap with a 20 lb hammer, you're not qualified to talk about it.

"One good analogy is worth three hours discussion."---Dudley Field Malone

Love

Peter

"Avoiding The Serious Stuff"

Since I've started posting again, it's been all fun and games.  And while I certainly enjoy trying to be funny, and while I think that in itself is good for me, eventually I have to get on with what motivated  me to start writing again.

That of course is all about the struggles I have with depression, and all it's encompassing frustrations. I have to start slowly though, so be patient with me.  I need to make sure that the exercise doesn't become a bunch of negative crap that serves it's own propose.  I actually want to remain as clinical as I can about it.  As much as depression is still such a mysterious illness to me, (and quite frankly to the medical profession), I know it's an illness because my life is damn near perfect, and yet I suffer.

For me it is so wrapped up with my physical intolerance to exercise.  So much so that I honestly do not know which came first, the depression, or the inability to run.  I have spent so much time and effort trying to investigate and trying to heal, all to no avail.  I've checked out my heart, my lungs, my blood, my hormones, my brain, and for lack of a better word, my soul.

And as every day goes by I just survive.  The same story repeats itself every damn day.  I wake up in a hole so dark, that I can't see how anything will ever be okay again.  To top that off I am exhausted, as if I had never slept at all.  Regardless, I faithfully drag myself out of bed by 8 am because that is a commitment I made. That advice from the psychologist I've been seeing.  I take 3 pills, one for depression, one for my underactive thyroid, and one for my stomach which is constantly upset.  I have no problem making some breakfast because I have never lost my Ironman appetite  After I eat I try to spend a half hour meditating, although I'm not very good at it.  By 9:30 I'm usually out the door to the trails, often with Frits in tow.  I only walk now, because I recently made another commitment, that being to give up running for a year. Yup!  True!  Mind you I walk every day, rain or shine, and usually for at least an hour.  Once back home I try to have a decent lunch, and then spend the afternoon trying to do something useful for myself, or for those around me.

As my day follows this pattern I almost always start to feel better.  Exercise, daylight, and work are of course the 3 ingredients that facilitate that.  I spend the evening reading, some prescribed stuff, but mostly recreational.  It still remans for me, the great escape.

And while I said I start to feel better as the day wears on, and in actual fact I often feel grateful by bedtime, the physical fatigue never goes away.  All day I battle shortness of breath, frequent light headedness, and sore tired muscles.  Also, while it comes and goes, there are times when I simply can not warm up, especially my feet.

When I do go to bed I make sure to leave the blinds open so that I can see the stars when they'e out, but more importantly to let the morning sunshine in. (another commitment I made).  Of course I can't go to sleep without some more reading, but it's a rare night that I don't fell asleep fairly easily.  I still dream quite often, but not so much about work or Ironman any more, and not as vivid as in the past.

Of course I wake up several times in the night, either to pee or to moisten my mouth, but generally it seems I sleep fairly well.  Believe me though, that even a trip to the bathroom is an exercise in remaining upright.  Since I refuse to pee sitting down, I frequently lean on the the the toilet tank while I do my business.  Otherwise there's a risk of passing out.  Sorry if that's too much info....:)  Back in bed I'm asleep in seconds.

And then the sun comes up....and with that....back to the top of the page!

Soooooo.  Perhaps that sounded like the whining that I said I didn't want to do?  I don't know, but I also know that while I will never, ever give up, it will do me no good to sugarcoat the whole deal.

Stay tuned.  I promise my next post will be all fun.

....and this I believe is a profound truth....

"Until you've had depression I don't think you're qualified to talk about it."---Geoffrey Boycott

Love

Peter

"The Top Ten Things I Learned From Izaiah.

I never learned much from my parents, and I certainly never learned anything in school. How fortunate I am then to have finally started learning some stuff in my old age.  And how fortunate I am to have had some great teachers come into my life.  Of course there's Frits the Dog, but overshadowing even him are those 3 brilliant souls, my grandchildren.

You've heard me talk about Colby and Kylie for years, but a little less than 16 months ago they were joined by their miracle cousin.  He has gracefully taken over part of my training in an attempt to cover those things the other two may have missed.  Colby for sure would admit that he was only partially successful in has attempts to turn me into a logical human being  :)

Here's the little man himself expressing his love for me.

And so without further ado, here's the top ten things I learned from Izaiah.

10)  All adults are idiots!
9)    If I can see it, I own it.
8)    There's something special about Roo, even if I can't quite put my finger on it.
7)    If you're sad, cry.
6)    Old or young, if you shit in your pants, don't dare feel bad about it.
5)    If it smells good, taste it.  If it smells bad, you probably shit your pants!
4)    There's no place better than the 'outside'.
3)    If someone is willing to wash you all over, accept and enjoy.
2)    The circle of life is a good thing, no doubts, no hesitation.

...and the absolute number one thing I learned from my precious Izaiah...

1)   It's okay to let your dick hang out once in a while.

"Grandfathers are just antique little boys."---Anon

Love

Peter

"My Grand Dog"

I love my grandchildren so much and quite frankly the three of them totally fulfill my needs in that role.  Never did I imagine that three such perfect young people would grace my life.  I look forward to the time when I'm old and crippled, because I am absolutely certain I will be able to lean on any of the three for anything I need.

Imagine my surprise when Adrian presented us with a dog instead of a kid.  I won't pretend that I was enamoured with the idea last December but 3 short months later I have discovered that he is filling a hole that the grand kids simply can't do.  I haven't really analyzed what that is and I don't really intend to.  Rather I'm just gonna take it and run with it.

Talking about Frits the Dog has of course got me thinking about that other Frits, his namesake.  Particularly I am reminded of dads attitude towards pets of any kind.  Simply put, he had no use for them.  I suppose he believed he had good reasons for his feelings on the matter, although I'm not sure they were valid.  The only answer I ever got from him was that a dog was just gonna chase the cows.  It occurs to me that having a few animal friends around (other than cows) when we were kids might have added some value.  Funny thing is that if I had asked him again after I was an adult, he might have changed his perspective....like so many things he rethought in his later years.

Alas.  I never had a pet, but now Adrian is letting us share his, and for this I am extremely grateful.  As promised, here's a pic of the Fritser after our 90 minutes in the trails, in the rain, yesterday.

“Until one has loved an animal, a part of one's soul remains unawakened.” ---Anatole France

"If you think you're a powerful and influential person, try ordering someone else's dog around"---
Anon

Love
Peter

"The Top ten Things I Learned From Frits"

That was my dads name of course, and while I learned a ton of things from him, in this case I'm talking about another Frits.  Frits the Dog that is.  Frits is Adrian's dog, and while he lives over there, I see him pretty well every day.   He's become a force in my life.  I tried to add a picture here, but our prehistoric internet won't allow me.  I'll  try to include one soon.

Anyway, he's taught me a lot in the 3 months since we met, and here are the top ten items.

10)  If you're horny, hump something....anything!
9)    If it smells good, taste it.
8)    If it smells bad, taste it.
7)    No matter what it tastes like, eat what's in front of you, and don't complain.
6)    When your loved ones come home, be all over them with hugs and kisses
5)    Its okay to let your dick hang out once in a while.
4)    There's no such thing as bad weather.
3)    A romp in the creek is better than a bath any day.
2)    When your tired, sleep....anywhere.

And the number one thing I learned from Frits the Dog....

1)    If you can lick your own balls, do it often, and do it with meaning!!!

Q.  Whats the difference between locking your wife in the trunk for a week, and locking your dog in the trunk for a week?

A.  When you let the dog out, he's happy to see you  :)

Love
Peter

"Saved by The Owl"

I'm feeling quite a bit better today but still don't feel much like blogging.  Roo has me all tired out catching distressed wildlife for her to save.

Check out this severely mauled Northern Saw-whet owl.  Poor little creature.

But he saved me from having to write anything beautiful, cause injured as he/she is, still an amazing creature.  I can't believe I was holding it in my hand.....Hoot!!
Love
Peter

"I'm Sick"

No that's not the two syllable name of my new blog.  I still haven't discovered that. I'm just sick.  Not sick, sick, just feeling miserable.  Head feels hot, rest of my body feels frozen, and my mouth is one big sore!
I know it's nothing serious, and as usual it's probably as much to do with mood as with anything else.  Tomorrow I will be better.

Love
Peter

"Sunday Night"

Just got home from watching a pretty mediocre movie with Colby, and I'm tired.   I should have gone with Roo, Mike and Ky to see Beauty and the Beast cause I guess it was pretty good   Either way I would still probably be tired.

Roo also tells me that if I'm gonna start blogging again, I gotta start a new one, which means I gotta come up with a new 2 syllable title.  I'm glad for that, cause it will be my excuse to postpone a serious post for a day or two.  I will try to come up with my title tomorrow.

Til then.

Love
Peter

"So There You Have It"

Either she does indeed check every day, or perhaps she has it set up to receive a notification whenever I post.  I believe that's possible, but we will let Alisha keep that bit of knowledge to herself.  If the truth be known, I'm glad she commented because I want to try to blog again for a while.

And then before I even had a chance to fulfill my commitment, Michael piped up as well.  Hi Mike!  I now know I'm talking to at least 2 people, 3 if you count myself.

As to talking to myself please know that like all things I do, I'm gonna start blogging exclusively for my own selfish reasons.  For some months I simply didn't want to be open with my feelings, perhaps not even to myself, but for some reason the feeling has again come upon me.

It's been a fairly eventful 3 plus months since my last post.  Not in the sense of any significant events, or changes, but more so in my personal outlook on life.  Or perhaps not even so much change, as my willingness to talk about it.

But I'll be going slow.  If anyone enjoys reading it that will gratify me, but like I said, the intent is that it become a cathartic tool for me, as it has been in the past.

For now I wish to tell you that since I have last posted I have had amazing open discussions with all my sons, and as much as anything else they have motivated me to start writing again.  Those discussions have also reminded me of how incredibly proud I am of all four of them.  Though it may not be obvious to all,  they are all courageous men who have each conquered mountains.  I will be talking about them a lot, at least in terms of my relationships with them.

And that's enough of a start I think.  Talk to you tomorrow.

“I'm so proud of you that it makes me proud of me.”---John Green

Love
Peter

"This is a Test"

Recently my wonderful extra daughter Alisha told me that despite the lack of a post from me in several months, that she still checked for one daily.  So this is a test.  If indeed she posts a comment here within 48 hours, then I'm gonna start blogging again.  If I don't hear from her however, I think it will be sufficient evidence that no one's gonna read it anyway, and as such I may as well not waste my time.

Then again, I may just do it anyway.  Time will tell.

Love you Lish!!

Love

Peter