Since I've started posting again, it's been all fun and games. And while I certainly enjoy trying to be funny, and while I think that in itself is good for me, eventually I have to get on with what motivated me to start writing again.
That of course is all about the struggles I have with depression, and all it's encompassing frustrations. I have to start slowly though, so be patient with me. I need to make sure that the exercise doesn't become a bunch of negative crap that serves it's own propose. I actually want to remain as clinical as I can about it. As much as depression is still such a mysterious illness to me, (and quite frankly to the medical profession), I know it's an illness because my life is damn near perfect, and yet I suffer.
For me it is so wrapped up with my physical intolerance to exercise. So much so that I honestly do not know which came first, the depression, or the inability to run. I have spent so much time and effort trying to investigate and trying to heal, all to no avail. I've checked out my heart, my lungs, my blood, my hormones, my brain, and for lack of a better word, my soul.
And as every day goes by I just survive. The same story repeats itself every damn day. I wake up in a hole so dark, that I can't see how anything will ever be okay again. To top that off I am exhausted, as if I had never slept at all. Regardless, I faithfully drag myself out of bed by 8 am because that is a commitment I made. That advice from the psychologist I've been seeing. I take 3 pills, one for depression, one for my underactive thyroid, and one for my stomach which is constantly upset. I have no problem making some breakfast because I have never lost my Ironman appetite After I eat I try to spend a half hour meditating, although I'm not very good at it. By 9:30 I'm usually out the door to the trails, often with Frits in tow. I only walk now, because I recently made another commitment, that being to give up running for a year. Yup! True! Mind you I walk every day, rain or shine, and usually for at least an hour. Once back home I try to have a decent lunch, and then spend the afternoon trying to do something useful for myself, or for those around me.
As my day follows this pattern I almost always start to feel better. Exercise, daylight, and work are of course the 3 ingredients that facilitate that. I spend the evening reading, some prescribed stuff, but mostly recreational. It still remans for me, the great escape.
And while I said I start to feel better as the day wears on, and in actual fact I often feel grateful by bedtime, the physical fatigue never goes away. All day I battle shortness of breath, frequent light headedness, and sore tired muscles. Also, while it comes and goes, there are times when I simply can not warm up, especially my feet.
When I do go to bed I make sure to leave the blinds open so that I can see the stars when they'e out, but more importantly to let the morning sunshine in. (another commitment I made). Of course I can't go to sleep without some more reading, but it's a rare night that I don't fell asleep fairly easily. I still dream quite often, but not so much about work or Ironman any more, and not as vivid as in the past.
Of course I wake up several times in the night, either to pee or to moisten my mouth, but generally it seems I sleep fairly well. Believe me though, that even a trip to the bathroom is an exercise in remaining upright. Since I refuse to pee sitting down, I frequently lean on the the the toilet tank while I do my business. Otherwise there's a risk of passing out. Sorry if that's too much info....:) Back in bed I'm asleep in seconds.
And then the sun comes up....and with that....back to the top of the page!
Soooooo. Perhaps that sounded like the whining that I said I didn't want to do? I don't know, but I also know that while I will never, ever give up, it will do me no good to sugarcoat the whole deal.
Stay tuned. I promise my next post will be all fun.
....and this I believe is a profound truth....
"Until you've had depression I don't think you're qualified to talk about it."---Geoffrey Boycott
That of course is all about the struggles I have with depression, and all it's encompassing frustrations. I have to start slowly though, so be patient with me. I need to make sure that the exercise doesn't become a bunch of negative crap that serves it's own propose. I actually want to remain as clinical as I can about it. As much as depression is still such a mysterious illness to me, (and quite frankly to the medical profession), I know it's an illness because my life is damn near perfect, and yet I suffer.
For me it is so wrapped up with my physical intolerance to exercise. So much so that I honestly do not know which came first, the depression, or the inability to run. I have spent so much time and effort trying to investigate and trying to heal, all to no avail. I've checked out my heart, my lungs, my blood, my hormones, my brain, and for lack of a better word, my soul.
And as every day goes by I just survive. The same story repeats itself every damn day. I wake up in a hole so dark, that I can't see how anything will ever be okay again. To top that off I am exhausted, as if I had never slept at all. Regardless, I faithfully drag myself out of bed by 8 am because that is a commitment I made. That advice from the psychologist I've been seeing. I take 3 pills, one for depression, one for my underactive thyroid, and one for my stomach which is constantly upset. I have no problem making some breakfast because I have never lost my Ironman appetite After I eat I try to spend a half hour meditating, although I'm not very good at it. By 9:30 I'm usually out the door to the trails, often with Frits in tow. I only walk now, because I recently made another commitment, that being to give up running for a year. Yup! True! Mind you I walk every day, rain or shine, and usually for at least an hour. Once back home I try to have a decent lunch, and then spend the afternoon trying to do something useful for myself, or for those around me.
As my day follows this pattern I almost always start to feel better. Exercise, daylight, and work are of course the 3 ingredients that facilitate that. I spend the evening reading, some prescribed stuff, but mostly recreational. It still remans for me, the great escape.
And while I said I start to feel better as the day wears on, and in actual fact I often feel grateful by bedtime, the physical fatigue never goes away. All day I battle shortness of breath, frequent light headedness, and sore tired muscles. Also, while it comes and goes, there are times when I simply can not warm up, especially my feet.
When I do go to bed I make sure to leave the blinds open so that I can see the stars when they'e out, but more importantly to let the morning sunshine in. (another commitment I made). Of course I can't go to sleep without some more reading, but it's a rare night that I don't fell asleep fairly easily. I still dream quite often, but not so much about work or Ironman any more, and not as vivid as in the past.
Of course I wake up several times in the night, either to pee or to moisten my mouth, but generally it seems I sleep fairly well. Believe me though, that even a trip to the bathroom is an exercise in remaining upright. Since I refuse to pee sitting down, I frequently lean on the the the toilet tank while I do my business. Otherwise there's a risk of passing out. Sorry if that's too much info....:) Back in bed I'm asleep in seconds.
And then the sun comes up....and with that....back to the top of the page!
Soooooo. Perhaps that sounded like the whining that I said I didn't want to do? I don't know, but I also know that while I will never, ever give up, it will do me no good to sugarcoat the whole deal.
Stay tuned. I promise my next post will be all fun.
....and this I believe is a profound truth....
"Until you've had depression I don't think you're qualified to talk about it."---Geoffrey Boycott
Love
Peter
I've been thinking about the quote, and I am pretty sure I profoundly disagree!
ReplyDeleteEither that, or everyone has had it to some degree or another, and so is qualified.
Love
holij
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteI like that you have a daily routine! I feel like we are creatures of habit, and having a daily routine, especially one that involves meditation and exercise, is a great thing.
ReplyDeleteI love the quote! From the many people I know who have depression or have had depression, it seems pretty evident to me that it is very difficult to truly understand what it is like to be depressed if you haven't experienced it yourself. It's so easy to mistake depression for sadness, and it's easy to lack a recognition of the genuine struggles that come along with being depressed. Depression ought to be normalized, and part of that I think involves listening. And sharing. :)
I think I've posted this quote before, but it's a great one from a favourite show of mine ('The West Wing') that I find relevant:
"This guy's walking down the street when he falls in a hole. The walls are so steep he can't get out.
A doctor passes by and the guy shouts up, 'Hey you. Can you help me out?' The doctor writes a prescription, throws it down in the hole and moves on.
Then a priest comes along and the guy shouts up, 'Father, I'm down in this hole can you help me out?' The priest writes out a prayer, throws it down in the hole and moves on.
Then a friend walks by, 'Hey, Joe, it's me can you help me out?' And the friend jumps in the hole. Our guy says, 'Are you stupid? Now we're both down here.' The friend says, 'Yeah, but I've been down here before and I know the way out.'"
Even the best medical professionals in the world won't necessarily know what it is really like to experience a given problem, including depression. This is why listening and understanding, and giving a voice to those who struggle, is so key! In my humble opinion. :)
Love,
Mike