But true!
I had a small a-hah moment this morning, that perhaps shouldn't have been such an a-hah.
About once a week, often on mondays, I get a morning text from Colby asking me to go get him something at Tim Hortons. Although I know in advance what I'm gonna decide, this morning I certainly didn't feel like it. I had a restless night again, and at 6:50 a.m. when my phone chirped I'm pretty sure I was going to be able to sleep for a bit yet. Regardless, I never hesitated to respond affirmatively, and crawled out of bed.
I'm so very proud of both of the kids because they routinely have to get themselves up in the morning, but especially Colb who has problems even getting himself to sleep, and who's ride arrives at 8 am. Meanwhile, I can stay in bed as long as I like, and when I do get up, I don't have to go sit in a classroom where I painfully waste my youth away.
And if you say that this sounds like feelings of guilt you would be absolutely right. Strangely it's not guilt that gets me up to go to the donut shop for my grandchildren, and yet there is a clear element of guilt that I don't have to go do something, while seemingly the rest of the world does. My grandchildren go to school, my children go to work, most of my siblings head off to one important endeavour or other, and the same holds true for friends and extended family. Even my wife is either out the door running, off to volunteer, or off to deliver mail, all no matter rain or shine.
While I sit here and decide whether to have one muffin or two with my coffee....in bed I might add!!!
So while I tell you that this was an a-hah moment, I find it very strange that the moment was triggered, not by what actually bothers me, but rather by what I enjoy and am grateful for every single day. The opportunity to participate in and enrich the lives of my grandchildren to the extent that I am permitted by circumstances is a truly wonderful gift, and is only driven a wee, wee bit by guilt.
And that's why I say it shouldn't really have been an a-hah moment. Certainly it's pretty normal to feel this way I think, and certainly lots of people have asked me if I ever feel guilty for any success I may have had. But in truth, I think I have been denying it for so long that I've managed to submerge it. Of course everyone knows that forcing shit underwater doesn't make it go away. Eventually it resurfaces in unexpected places, at unexpected times. Like this morning when my precious grandchild asked me to help him with something he is powerless to do for himself.
Now I'm hoping that this moment doesn't go to waste, and I know that the first step is to not submerge it again. To accept that fact that I feel guilty about having stuff, and the freedom that comes along with it; freedom that many others don't have. Of course this will be a task.
Right away, I know that those who love me will tell me that I have worked tirelessly most of my life, making any number of sacrifices along the way, and that I deserve some rest. While part of me wants to suck that all up, the undeniable truth of the matter is that I did not work very hard at all. I can't in all honesty describe anything that amounted to a sacrifice, unless perhaps it would be that I had to settle for Tim Hortons coffee most mornings because I didn't have my own single cup coffee maker at home (tims coffee really is lame you know). To top that all off, all around me are people who have indeed worked hard, and have indeed made sacrifices. I state this clearly and emphatically so there can be no doubt in my mind, which is of course the only mind that it really matters to.
The further truth is that in regards to material wealth I have just been incredibly lucky!! I have been in the right place, at the right time, with the right conditions, and under the right influences. I actually count my blessings that my worldly possession are not so significant that I don't have to budget at all, else I would certainly he a more total and complete wreck!!
So........
There you have it.
I know damn well that the only useful form of guilt is the kind that stops you from continuing or repeating an unjust act or behaviour, and also just how crippling guilt of any kind can be. And while my immediate thought might be to eliminate the guilt by somehow giving my stuff and my freedom away, I don't really think this is the answer either. The one and only answer lies in my head. My rational brain tells me that there's no good reason for even feeling the guilt, and it's that thinking that I need to nurture. Not the thinking that the only way to get over it is to start making sacrifices. That being said I also know that the only way to change feelings is by changing your thoughts, words and actions, so that's the road I need to take. And even as I say it, I know that it's mostly about thoughts. I know that I already give freely of my time and money to places and people where it may add value, and while I still want to embrace that further, I know deep down inside that I need to stop thinking I'm guilty, so that I can stop feeling guilty.
So.......
There you have it.
I truly would like any thoughts you may have on this matter. Either by telling me that I have it all wrong, or if not, then strategies on how to deal with it.
And finally for this day, October 24, 2106, I've decided not to feel any guilt over the fact that I had been up and about for a half hour before I remembered that it is my 29th wedding anniversary!! This was helped I suppose by the fact that my wife didn't either! Happy anniversary precious!
...and people a lot more successful than me have obviously struggled with the same issues...
"Guilt is cancer. Guilt will confine you, torture you, destroy you as an artist. It's a black wall. It's a thief."---Dave Grohl
Guilt for being rich, and guilt thinking that perhaps love and peace isn't enough and you have to go and get shot or something."---John Lennon
"I feel like I want to take care of everyone and I also feel this terrible guilt if I am unable to. And I have felt this way ever since all this success started."---Jim Carrey
Love
Peter
I had a small a-hah moment this morning, that perhaps shouldn't have been such an a-hah.
About once a week, often on mondays, I get a morning text from Colby asking me to go get him something at Tim Hortons. Although I know in advance what I'm gonna decide, this morning I certainly didn't feel like it. I had a restless night again, and at 6:50 a.m. when my phone chirped I'm pretty sure I was going to be able to sleep for a bit yet. Regardless, I never hesitated to respond affirmatively, and crawled out of bed.
I'm so very proud of both of the kids because they routinely have to get themselves up in the morning, but especially Colb who has problems even getting himself to sleep, and who's ride arrives at 8 am. Meanwhile, I can stay in bed as long as I like, and when I do get up, I don't have to go sit in a classroom where I painfully waste my youth away.
And if you say that this sounds like feelings of guilt you would be absolutely right. Strangely it's not guilt that gets me up to go to the donut shop for my grandchildren, and yet there is a clear element of guilt that I don't have to go do something, while seemingly the rest of the world does. My grandchildren go to school, my children go to work, most of my siblings head off to one important endeavour or other, and the same holds true for friends and extended family. Even my wife is either out the door running, off to volunteer, or off to deliver mail, all no matter rain or shine.
While I sit here and decide whether to have one muffin or two with my coffee....in bed I might add!!!
So while I tell you that this was an a-hah moment, I find it very strange that the moment was triggered, not by what actually bothers me, but rather by what I enjoy and am grateful for every single day. The opportunity to participate in and enrich the lives of my grandchildren to the extent that I am permitted by circumstances is a truly wonderful gift, and is only driven a wee, wee bit by guilt.
And that's why I say it shouldn't really have been an a-hah moment. Certainly it's pretty normal to feel this way I think, and certainly lots of people have asked me if I ever feel guilty for any success I may have had. But in truth, I think I have been denying it for so long that I've managed to submerge it. Of course everyone knows that forcing shit underwater doesn't make it go away. Eventually it resurfaces in unexpected places, at unexpected times. Like this morning when my precious grandchild asked me to help him with something he is powerless to do for himself.
Now I'm hoping that this moment doesn't go to waste, and I know that the first step is to not submerge it again. To accept that fact that I feel guilty about having stuff, and the freedom that comes along with it; freedom that many others don't have. Of course this will be a task.
Right away, I know that those who love me will tell me that I have worked tirelessly most of my life, making any number of sacrifices along the way, and that I deserve some rest. While part of me wants to suck that all up, the undeniable truth of the matter is that I did not work very hard at all. I can't in all honesty describe anything that amounted to a sacrifice, unless perhaps it would be that I had to settle for Tim Hortons coffee most mornings because I didn't have my own single cup coffee maker at home (tims coffee really is lame you know). To top that all off, all around me are people who have indeed worked hard, and have indeed made sacrifices. I state this clearly and emphatically so there can be no doubt in my mind, which is of course the only mind that it really matters to.
The further truth is that in regards to material wealth I have just been incredibly lucky!! I have been in the right place, at the right time, with the right conditions, and under the right influences. I actually count my blessings that my worldly possession are not so significant that I don't have to budget at all, else I would certainly he a more total and complete wreck!!
So........
There you have it.
I know damn well that the only useful form of guilt is the kind that stops you from continuing or repeating an unjust act or behaviour, and also just how crippling guilt of any kind can be. And while my immediate thought might be to eliminate the guilt by somehow giving my stuff and my freedom away, I don't really think this is the answer either. The one and only answer lies in my head. My rational brain tells me that there's no good reason for even feeling the guilt, and it's that thinking that I need to nurture. Not the thinking that the only way to get over it is to start making sacrifices. That being said I also know that the only way to change feelings is by changing your thoughts, words and actions, so that's the road I need to take. And even as I say it, I know that it's mostly about thoughts. I know that I already give freely of my time and money to places and people where it may add value, and while I still want to embrace that further, I know deep down inside that I need to stop thinking I'm guilty, so that I can stop feeling guilty.
So.......
There you have it.
I truly would like any thoughts you may have on this matter. Either by telling me that I have it all wrong, or if not, then strategies on how to deal with it.
And finally for this day, October 24, 2106, I've decided not to feel any guilt over the fact that I had been up and about for a half hour before I remembered that it is my 29th wedding anniversary!! This was helped I suppose by the fact that my wife didn't either! Happy anniversary precious!
...and people a lot more successful than me have obviously struggled with the same issues...
"Guilt is cancer. Guilt will confine you, torture you, destroy you as an artist. It's a black wall. It's a thief."---Dave Grohl
Guilt for being rich, and guilt thinking that perhaps love and peace isn't enough and you have to go and get shot or something."---John Lennon
"I feel like I want to take care of everyone and I also feel this terrible guilt if I am unable to. And I have felt this way ever since all this success started."---Jim Carrey
Love
Peter
Train your mind the same way you worked so long at training your body. Not easy, but simple!
ReplyDeleteLove holij
"The further truth is that in regards to material wealth I have just been incredibly lucky!! I have been in the right place, at the right time, with the right conditions, and under the right influences."
ReplyDeleteGuess what... this is almost everyone!! Neoliberal individualism tells us that all individuals have to do is work hard and success and fortune will follow. And as a society we so readily and unquestionably accept this notion, even though we know this isn't the case, because there are millions of hard workers who still struggle to get by or for whom material wealth doesn't just "naturally" follow because of "hard work". Many of the more fortunate people in life also often don't want to readily admit that their success is not just solely the product of hard work, but that often it is luck and the fortunate help of others! This is why we all have a responsibility to lend a helping hand to those below us on the ladder, by being mentors, holding others up rather than pushing them down in competition, connecting people together... you know, being a community rather than just having the attitude that "I worked hard and I earned this, never mind anybody else".
So what I'm saying is, feeling guilty for being lucky or fortunate doesn't help (I know only because I experience "privilege guilt" or "existential guilt" all the time... whether it is white guilt or any other kind)... and from my perspective, the myriad of ways that you provide support and mentorship and guidance for me and my brothers, for your grandkids, for your family and friends, are the ways in which you lend that helping hand and do good for others. The ways you push yourself to understand the issues of the world and to be more accepting and more understanding of those who are different, and pass on those values to others, are ways you do good for others. The things I have seen you do over my adult life for strangers and for others are ways you do good... I could go on and list many. But what is enough? I don't know, but what we can do is recognize our privilege and try our best. But no matter what, you shouldn't feel guilty for being able to sleep in or have muffins and coffee in bed. Nope!
There's more on this I wish to articulate, but it's not coming out of me right now in a way that I can verbalize properly. For another time! :)
Love you!
Michael
A favourite quote of mine that I was reminded of:
ReplyDelete“People with advantages are loath to believe that they just happen to be people with advantages.” - C. Wright Mills (Sociologist)
This is fodder for a Byron Katie worksheet.....just sayin
ReplyDelete