"Further Or Faster"

First thing I did before I sat down to write tonite was to start Arlo singing Alice's Restaurant.  We'll see who finishes first.

So further or faster?

My recently rediscovered ability to run 5 kms has unfortunately led to delusions of grandeur.  I let my mind wander at times to ideas of running distance again, even at times experiencing crazy thoughts about marathons.

But.....I'm a lot  smarter than I used to be.....well maybe a little smarter??   Regardless, I know that it would take a long term commitment, cause after all, a marathon is a long way to run.  It wasn't for a while, but now it is again. So, knowing I could now consistently run 5kms, and that a marathon is more than 8 of those, I had to decide whether to try running a bit faster, cause after all I'm pretty slow, or leaving well enough alone there, and try to start running a bit further.

It didn't take me long to decide.  A couple of weeks ago when I was up at Bill's place I ran 6.6 kms, just because that's how big the block was.  So last week I decided to start trying to stretch out my distance and since a block here is just over 7 kms that seemed to make sense.

Alas,  I barely survived a slow 5K before I had to walk, and ever since then I have struggled to get my 5K in, and struggled to do so in 30 minutes.

Holy Crap!!!!  Arlo just finished!!  Eighteen minutes to write those few short paragraphs!!

Oh....he's singing again...."I don't wanna pickle, I just wanna ride my motor sickle" 

Anyway.  After a couple of these painful sessions I was a bit discouraged, but it's okay.  I think it was necessary for my decision making.

Not further, not faster!  Just 5 kms!  I need to be able not just to run 5 kms, but run it without any stress.  I need to make 5 kms so easy that it's like walking.  I am no where near that.

Today's run was a little bit better (27:36), but it was hard.  As I ran I tried to analyze what was hard about it, and I realized that I really couldn't define it.  My heart rate was normal, my legs weren't burning, nor were my lungs.  Rather, it was kind of a tension that seemed to sit in my chest and abdomen.  Not that different than how I feel when I'm extremely anxious.  Bizarre as this seems, I think maybe I'm just running scared.  I'm not relaxed.

So who knows?   All I know is that I have decided that it will be 5 kms and no more, until 5 kms becomes the proverbial walk in the park.  I am cautiously optimistic that it will happen some time.

Of course I also know that I'll help myself immensely by doing lots of cycling as well, so I ordered two new pairs of wool socks.  Too bad my wife wouldn't let me  have my own Alpacas like I always wanted, or I could knit myself a pair of really nice socks.  Bitch!!

I'm thinking that maybe I'll be able to justify a few more bits of cold weather gear as well, and after all, I got a birthday coming up.  I don't actually need any new gear but who cares!  It's my birthday!

And unlike my bitch wife, it seems Youtube loves me.  Over the last few paragraphs they have found a sweet spot for me.

City of New Orleans
Mr Bojangles
The night they drove old dixie down.
Country Roads

So I guess that's it.  I'm reluctant to admit it, but I had a pretty good day today.  That's the difficulty when one allows one's self to wallow.  It becomes a habit that's hard to shake.  The problem is that I don't really know why I had a good day.  I ran, bought some snow tires, fixed a toilet, and cleaned the motorhome.  Oh, I also went out at 7 am to get breakfast for 2 of my grandchildren....maybe that was it?

Or as I would like to believe, that if I just keep trying to do the right things; take care of myself, of those around me, and those others that my life may touch, that It will all work out.

The thing's gone on a John Denver roll now, and I'm good with that as swell

Rocky Mountain High
Thank God I'm a country boy.

But then to prove that all good things must come to an end......they apparently allow country music on Youtube as well!! Fortunately they also have a button that looks this.  (II)

"I believe that we are here for each other, not against each other. Everything comes from an understanding that you are a gift in my life - whoever you are, whatever our differences."--- John Denver

Love
Peter

"Scary!"

That many people around me aren't familiar with Alice!  John of course knows her only because he's smoked a lot of the same stuff as Arlo Guthrie.  Seems that many others of my acquaintance don't, probably because they are too young to be familiar with a song released almost 50 years ago!!  Holy crap!  Scary!

And if it's not already obvious, Alice's Restaurant it is one of my all time favourites.  While it was originally written as a Vietnam war protest song, Guthrie has been quoted as saying it's more of an anti-stupidity song.  I think that's why I like it so much.  Although I understand how it happens, bureaucracy absolutely drives me bananas, and one of the best ways to combat it is with satire.  Here you go if you happen to have 18 mins to spare.

And as to the group W bench of the song, and whether or not I belong there, I have never to my knowledge physically assaulted or molested either of my parents!  And yet, what I admire about the character is that he was assigned to the bench as a direct result of his cynical attitude.  So whether or not I actually belong with the group W crowd, I know that's where I would have ended up were I in the same situation.  And just for the record, so would brother John, and I suspect you as well Deb, although they would have to catch your more subtle cynicism.  :)  Oh, and you too Lish!  Nothing subtle about you my dear!

And while we're on the topic of scary, here's a couple of seasonal examples of things that scare me.

Colby was participating in his grade nine drama class's "haunted hallway" production.  He had so much fun doing it, and I had so much fun hearing about it.  It reminds me of part of sister Elly's theory for our school system, in which all learning should be experiential.  I'm totally convinced that he's learning a lot more "english" in this class, then he is in English class!!  What 'scares' me is that he has 4 years of high school to survive somehow, so that he can get on with something that interests him.

And while that pic itself didn't really scare me. this next one sure as hell did!

Last year she was an evil clown, but I guess that as you approach 11 years old you move to different interests.  The character is someone called Jem, of Jem and the Holograms.  You gotta admit that it's a bit frightening!!  Something about those eyes.......I've seen them before somewhere??

And that's it for today.  And that's all there is eh?  Today!

"Thank God that the people that run this world are not smart enough to keep running it forever."---Arlo Guthrie

Love
Peter

"Thanks For Your Help"

Unfortunately when I arrived at the group W bench it seemed they had lots of pencils as well as various forms, but not one of them was from Byron Katie.  What to do??

And yes Deb, I am absolutely certain that was true.  Just as certain as I am that I belonged there with the rest of group W.  I have definitely not been rehabilitated!

"I don't want a pickle, I just wanna ride my motor sickle!"---Arlo Guthrie

Love
Peter

"You're Only As Old As You Feel"

Everybody's heard this expression , and while I think it's basically supposed to mean that your actual age in number of years doesn't mean a thing. it seems to me that it's also often used to imply some responsibility on ones part to not "feel" old.  Like shut up about your age!  Stop whining about all that, and start living a little younger.

And while I certainly subscribe to the idea that there is no rationale in feeling old just cause you start hitting the big numbers, I also think there's a reality in feeling old when things start hurting like they never did before.

You see age, like everything else in life is relative.  When a person says they feel old what they are really saying is that they feel older.  Older then they used to feel.  For most people that's the only thing we have as a comparison, and for most people, we're weaker, slower, less co-ordinated, and hurt more as those aforementioned big numbers kick in.  Conversely, and to demonstrate my point about relativity, can you imagine if one had a disabling disease, say MS, for most of your life, and then it suddenly healed itself when you turned 60!!  You sure as hell wouldn't feel old, despite the fact that after a lifetime of this horrible illness you would be terribly wasted.  You would feel like the king of the world!!  And you would "feel" young!

So what's this all about you may ask?  Or perhaps you think you already know.  Maybe you think it's all just rationalizing my self pity.  Maybe you are just thinking, I wish he would shut up about his age and stop whining!

And I would accept your reaction based on the amount of whining I've done in this space over the last several years, but I truly don't intend that.  What I'm trying to come to terms with is that my body is disintegrating, slowly but inexorably.  I think the feelings that go hand in hand with that are perhaps a bit harder, when for several years I lived on the cusp of supreme fitness.  I fought so hard after my illness to rebuild what was at that time a wasted man; physically, mentally, and emotionally. And yes I got obsessive about it.  Then came the reality of chronic overtraining, combined with several years of natural aging, and the shock of it all is still sinking in.

Yesterday I went out to clean up the remains of my burn pile which meant a bunch of manual labour, and it was hard manipulating those tools.  Hard to bend, hard to twist, hard to lift.  Typically, certainly for the last several years, whenever something hurt, my response was to go a little harder yet, refusing to give in to my bodies demands.  That's how I trained.....every day!!  I mean every day!  My response to pain was to deny it. And it worked.  For a while.  It just doesn't seem to any more, and it has dawned on me that perhaps I need to change my strategies.

After a couple of years of analyzing my current state I am now convinced that there's nothing physiologically wrong with me, and in fact all my problems are indeed in my head.  And while certainly a very big part of that is the inexplicable depression and anxiety that I still suffer from, I think there's also a big element of what my "no pain, no gain" attitude does to me.  Perhaps at some point in a body's life span that attitude becomes counterproductive.  What if that attitude results in the breaking down of ones body instead of building it up.  I'm seriously starting to consider the idea that when I start to hurt, I need to slow down!!!  That's hard for me.  It seems like quitting.  But what if that's actually what I need to do to get stronger?  Based on my 60 years of experience it is totally counter intuitive.

In summary then, when I say it's all in my head, I'm suggesting that until in my head I accept the gradual decline, and accept slowing down, and accept resting when it hurts, that it ain't gonna get any easier.

And perhaps even accept that I feel old(er) than I used to. Oh, and be okay with it.  No guilt  :)

The last thing I might add if there is any value to my theory, is that this turning point is different for every person.  Genetics, lifestyle, serious illnesses etc., all play a significant role in aging.  The trick then, would be to ignore the numbers, and trust your body to tell you when it's time to slow down.  After all, "You're only as old as you feel".

Phew!  I'm tired!  I don't know if any of that makes any sense, but if not, it's only because I did a poor job of describing my thoughts.  In "my head", I understand it all perfectly  :)

And somewhere over the last couple of days I have thought often of my dad, in particular how as he aged he started to learn things from his kids.  I kinda wish that right now I could talk to him about the sudden betrayal by his body after a lifetime of health, and how that was for him.  But alas, since it's too late for that, I will have to turn to my kids as he seemed to in his last 10 years or so.

I had an opportunity for this the other day when Michael was here.  I had just come in from running my 5K in 27 minutes and he said, "Holy crap dad, that's fantastic!.  Do you know how few people on this planet can do that, let alone do it when they're 60 years old?"  Somehow, coming from him, it made it's way through my think skull!  For a few minutes I even considered that idea that that was fast enough!!....hmmmm..

And speaking of learning from my kids, I truly believe I'm starting to open myself to that.  And from all of them different things.  I'm gonna start sharing some of them with you over the next while.  For today, and in case you never seen it, I want to repost Michaels comment from a few days ago.  When I read this I was so moved and felt so enlightened, and not because he was complimentary.  Moved by my own child's writing!!  What a blessing eh?  Please have a read.

"The further truth is that in regards to material wealth I have just been incredibly lucky!! I have been in the right place, at the right time, with the right conditions, and under the right influences."This part was from my post)

Guess what... this is almost everyone!! Neoliberal individualism tells us that all individuals have to do is work hard and success and fortune will follow. And as a society we so readily and unquestionably accept this notion, even though we know this isn't the case, because there are millions of hard workers who still struggle to get by or for whom material wealth doesn't just "naturally" follow because of "hard work". Many of the more fortunate people in life also often don't want to readily admit that their success is not just solely the product of hard work, but that often it is luck and the fortunate help of others! This is why we all have a responsibility to lend a helping hand to those below us on the ladder, by being mentors, holding others up rather than pushing them down in competition, connecting people together... you know, being a community rather than just having the attitude that "I worked hard and I earned this, never mind anybody else".

So what I'm saying is, feeling guilty for being lucky or fortunate doesn't help (I know only because I experience "privilege guilt" or "existential guilt" all the time... whether it is white guilt or any other kind)... and from my perspective, the myriad of ways that you provide support and mentorship and guidance for me and my brothers, for your grandkids, for your family and friends, are the ways in which you lend that helping hand and do good for others. The ways you push yourself to understand the issues of the world and to be more accepting and more understanding of those who are different, and pass on those values to others, are ways you do good for others. The things I have seen you do over my adult life for strangers and for others are ways you do good... I could go on and list many. But what is enough? I don't know, but what we can do is recognize our privilege and try our best. But no matter what, you shouldn't feel guilty for being able to sleep in or have muffins and coffee in bed. Nope!

There's more on this I wish to articulate, but it's not coming out of me right now in a way that I can verbalize properly. For another time! :)

Love you!
Michael

A favourite quote of mine that I was reminded of:

“People with advantages are loath to believe that they just happen to be people with advantages.” - C. Wright Mills (Sociologist)

And because that quote is absolutely brilliant I won't even try to find one to top it, but rather leave it as my 

ending.  

Oh but a post script.  After an hour with my implements of destruction, I put the shovel, the fork and the rakes away, and went and got my tractor.  (and yes John you get your brownie points for Alice's Restaurant). Because of the nature of the work it actually took longer with the tractor, but fortunately time is something I still have lots of.  Maybe too much eh??

So that's it for today, the 28th day of October, 2106!  Not a wonder I feel old :)

Love

Peter

Happy Birthday Adrian

Feeling very proud of our 27 year old!  Adrian is a kind, hardworking, personable young man. What a joy he is, and today I am so grateful!

I'm also grateful that I got a burn permit like the local law says.  I'm also glad that I called the fire department this morning like the local law says.  And I'm also glad that I called all of my neighbours this morning to tell them I was having a burn today.

That way I didn't felt bad when the entire Central Elgin fire department showed up at the farm today!!!!  Holy frustrating!

I guess some passerby called, and they have no choice but to show up in case I screwed up, or in case it's actually the neighbours house that's on fire.   Still a bit annoying.

Oh well.  My amazing youngest son turned 27 today.  Happy birthday son,  Love you!

Oh and of course the same to all the other Adrians having birthdays today.  I know of at least one. :)

Love
Peter

"Crazy Perhaps?"

But true!

I had a small a-hah moment this morning, that perhaps shouldn't have been such an a-hah.

About once a week, often on mondays, I get a morning text from Colby asking me to go get him something at Tim Hortons.  Although I know in advance what I'm gonna decide, this morning I certainly didn't feel like it.  I had a restless night again, and at 6:50 a.m. when my phone chirped I'm pretty sure I was going to be able to sleep for a bit yet.  Regardless, I never hesitated to respond affirmatively, and crawled out of bed.

I'm so very proud of both of the kids because they routinely have to get themselves up in the morning,  but especially Colb who has problems even getting himself to sleep, and who's ride arrives at 8 am.  Meanwhile, I can stay in bed as long as I like, and when I do get up, I don't have to go sit in a classroom where I painfully waste my youth away.

And if you say that this sounds like feelings of guilt you would be absolutely right.  Strangely it's not guilt that gets me up to go to the donut shop for my grandchildren, and yet there is a clear element of guilt that I don't have to go do something, while seemingly the rest of the world does.  My grandchildren go to school, my children go to work, most of my siblings head off to one important endeavour or other, and the same holds true for friends and extended family.  Even my wife is either out the door running, off to volunteer, or off to deliver mail, all no matter rain or shine.

While I sit here and decide whether to have one muffin or two with my coffee....in bed I might add!!!

So while I tell you that this was an a-hah moment, I find it very strange that the moment was triggered, not by what actually bothers me, but rather by what I enjoy and am grateful for every single day.  The opportunity to participate in and enrich the lives of my grandchildren to the extent that I am permitted by circumstances is a truly wonderful gift, and is only driven a wee, wee bit by guilt.

And that's why I say it shouldn't really have been an a-hah moment.  Certainly it's pretty normal to feel this way I think, and certainly lots of people have asked me if I ever feel guilty for any success I may have had. But in truth, I think I have been denying it for so long that I've managed to submerge it. Of course everyone knows that forcing shit underwater doesn't make it go away.  Eventually it resurfaces in unexpected places, at unexpected times.  Like this morning when my precious grandchild asked me to help him with something he is powerless to do for himself.

Now I'm hoping that this moment doesn't go to waste, and I know that the first step is to not submerge it again.  To accept that fact that I feel guilty about having stuff, and the freedom that comes along with it; freedom that many others don't have.  Of course this will be a task.

Right away, I know that those who love me will tell me that I have worked tirelessly most of my life, making any number of sacrifices along the way, and that I deserve some rest.  While part of me wants to suck that all up, the undeniable truth of the matter is that I did not work very hard at all.  I can't in all honesty describe anything that amounted to a sacrifice, unless perhaps it would be that I had to settle for Tim Hortons coffee most mornings because I didn't have my own single cup coffee maker at home (tims coffee really is lame you know).  To top that all off, all around me are people who have indeed worked hard, and have indeed made sacrifices.  I state this clearly and emphatically so there can be no doubt in my mind, which is of course the only mind that it really matters to.

The further truth is that in regards to material wealth I have just been incredibly lucky!!  I have been in the right place, at the right time, with the right conditions, and under the right influences.  I actually count my blessings that my worldly possession are not so significant that I don't have to budget at all, else I would certainly he a more total and complete wreck!!

So........
There you have it.

I know damn well that the only useful form of guilt is the kind that stops you from continuing or repeating an unjust act or behaviour, and also just how crippling guilt of any kind can be.  And while my immediate thought might be to eliminate  the guilt by somehow giving my stuff and my freedom away, I don't really think this is the answer either.  The one and only answer lies in my head.  My rational brain tells me that there's no good reason for even feeling the guilt, and it's that thinking that I need to nurture.  Not the thinking that the only way to get over it is to start making sacrifices.  That being said I also know that the only way to change feelings is by changing your thoughts, words and actions, so that's the road I need to take.  And even as I say it, I know that it's mostly about thoughts.  I know that I already give freely of my time and money to places and people where it may add value, and while I still want to embrace that further, I know deep down inside that I need to stop thinking I'm guilty, so that I can stop feeling guilty.

So.......
There you have it.

I truly would like any thoughts you may have on this matter.  Either by telling me that I have it all wrong, or if not, then strategies on how to deal with it.

And finally for this day, October 24, 2106, I've decided not to feel any guilt over the fact that I had been up and about for a half hour before I remembered that it is my 29th wedding anniversary!!  This was helped I suppose by the fact that my wife didn't either!  Happy anniversary precious!

...and people a lot more successful than me have obviously struggled with the same issues...

"Guilt is cancer. Guilt will confine you, torture you, destroy you as an artist. It's a black wall. It's a thief."---Dave Grohl

Guilt for being rich, and guilt thinking that perhaps love and peace isn't enough and you have to go and get shot or something."---John Lennon

"I feel like I want to take care of everyone and I also feel this terrible guilt if I am unable to. And I have felt this way ever since all this success started."---Jim Carrey

Love
Peter

"It's Time"

No!  It really is time.  I know I keep saying it, but if today doesn't trigger an acute awareness of the passing of time, I don't know what will.  You see my eldest sone turned 38, and my eldest sibling turned 65!!!

I don't know which of these surprises me most,  or why I'm surprised at all,  cause it's not as if I didn't know that they were already 37, and 64 respectively!

Regardless.  It is what it is, and I had a very nice birthday for both of them.

First briefly about my big sister Cory.  With there being so many of us, any ones individual birthday generally passes me by, with the exception of hers for obvious reasons.  I could pretend to remember hers because she is so special to me, but that would be a lie.  It's only because she shares the day with one of my children, and thankfully I don't have the same number of them.  That also doesn't change the fact that she is indeed very special to me, and I say with certainty, to her 10 other siblings as well.  Even long before both of our parents were gone Cory had become the matriarch of our family.  And if one would dare to suggest that any one of her 6 male siblings would resent that, you would get a serious pushback from every one of those same men!  And as much as I'm proud of my brothers for that attitude, it is more a refection of Cory herself, and how over the years she has nurtured each and every one of us, girls and boys!  Happy Birthday big sister.  I'm damn proud to be one of your 11 understudies.  :)

Then there is my eldest son, of whom I am no less proud.  He has had a tough row to hoe, but never once has he given up.  And while he may not have lived the life I once had envisioned for him, I think that simply puts us in the same category as 99% of other fathers and sons.   We had a wonderful visit with him and his offspring.  Here's the proof!

Happy birthday son!  I love you to the moon and up!

And the offspring themselves make me so grateful, while confirming that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree!

It was indeed a  special moment.  We had left Kylie with her Dad while we stopped in at Walmart for some stuff Roo thought she needed for her other grandson,  Colb and I were just killing time, and that's always a dangerous thing for both of us.  I think we were both shocked that the thing stuck to my head, and the passing stranger was no less surprised, and no less amused.  He actually offered to take a pic before we even thought of it. 

Precious memories for sure.  I laughed a lot out loud, and that's something I need to practice a lot more of. 

And yes Elly I have had a sleep study done which didn't show much, and yes I tried CPAP.  Certainly that eliminated the dreams, since it eliminated any sleep at all!

And Deb, perhaps we should talk.  However, the very idea of discussing my dreams more intimately, scares the crap out of me!!

Finally for this the 23rd day of October in the year 2106, I managed to run another 5 kms.  That makes 15 times this month without any serious consequences.  I did however have a few brownouts later in the day, and I think tomorrow needs to be a rest day.  

And this quote says it all.  I need to count the years not as a dwindling of days, but rather as a growing collection of treasures.  

"Let us never know what old age is. Let us know the happiness time brings, not count the years."---Ausonius

Love

Peter

"Dreams, Dreams, Dreams!"

I think it's totally bizarre.  While I'm told not to overanalyze my dreams, or for that matter most other shit that passes through my sorry excuse for a brain, there just has to be some message in my recurring stressful dreams.  I say this primarily because of the their nature.  Often I dream of Ironman, often I dream of my 27 years with Magna, and often I dream about the catholic church.  Anything other than these 3 themes is rare.

Last night I managed to incorporate my 3 favourite topics into one long crazy saga.  It started out with a triathlon in some foreign country that seemingly took place at night!!  When I lined up to show my entry bracelet to begin the race it turns out I had forgotten to get one.  If that wasn't enough I also forgot most of my gear, most notably shoes of any kind.  After some attempts to participate anyway I finally had to accept failure, and  headed off to find Roo, who of course was "unfindable".  Then of course my phone didn't work, but thankfully my long time Magna friend lent me his work phone to call Roo. He left the phone with me, but neglected to tell me that it functioned only in Portuguese.  By this time I was completely alone, or at least alone in the sense that not a soul spoke English.  Somehow, with my smattering of Spanish (its close), I got direction to a neighbouring town where you guessed it, they had a priest who spoke English!  I seem to remember a Father Alvarez?  (I think he was a character in a James Clavell book, maybe Shogun.)  Anyway, when I got to wherever the priest was I was so sickened by the old ladies praising his virtues to high heaven, despite my knowledge that the man was not so virtuous at all, that I looked for another resource.  The other resource was laying in a drug induced stupor in a gutter,  (oh yah, there is that theme as well, but it's not very common)....and so my dream ended.

I feel pretty messed up really.  Why can I not let go of these things?  While I kinda get the Catholic Church stuff because it was all so screwed into my youthful brain, I just can't understand the rest.  Did I, and do I still, identify myself as either important business guy, and/or macho ironman guy, to the point that those things became a measure of my value as a person.....hmmm???

Whatever the dreams mean, I know that I wake up every morning hung over from them.....

But to end on a more positive note I continue to run almost every day.  It's only 5 kms, but I never feel the faintness, and it always seems exhilarating.  Today I set a new modern era record of just over 27 minutes!!  And while I acknowledge the fact, it doesn't even bother me that I once ran that distance in 18 minutes!!

And while most all of the quotes I found about dreams make them seem like a good thing, I personally no longer have use for dreams...sleeping ones or waking ones!

So thank goodness for this guy.  If you have ever read his stuff, or even read much about him, you would know that he had a pretty dark side as well.

"Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there, wondering, fearing, doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before."--- Edgar Allan Poe

Love

Peter

"Found A Little Treasure"

I had an absolutely horrible night last night.  I barely slept and when I did my sleep was filled with unpleasant dreams.

But when I stumbled on this, some time around 5 am, it all seemed worthwhile.  And how does one stumble upon things in the middle of the night these days?  Why on the internet of course!  Somehow, I don't remember how, I ended up at the blog Roo kept way back in 2007-2008 when I was sick.  This little essay was penned by son Michael some time in February of 2008, and while I have no recollection of it at the time, I was quite moved by it now.  Enjoy!



The State of Mike's Life

The last five months of my life have been perhaps the most influential on me. I could have never seen this coming. The celebration of my 21st birthday was a surreal one - not really because I turned 21 and I'm becoming an "adult" (whatever that means) - but because it seemed to mark a point in which a few important aspects of my life met. I've realized that I have matured quite a bit in these five months; I can hardly believe that this is me. I do feel like a different person, in some ways. Not because of any arbitrary number designated as my age, but because of what I have accomplished and experienced recently. I've grown to be more independent (although I still have a long ways to go) but even more incredibly to me, my perspective on life has changed very distinctly.

As many of you know, at the end of August of last year, I went on an educational exchange through the University of Western Ontario to the University of Copenhagen in Copenhagen, Denmark. I spent an incredible four months in Copenhagen, getting to know and understand Danish life and culture and meeting amazing people from all across the world.

It was all the little things, which are just part of ordinary every day life that I witnessed in my new surroundings, that really had an impact on me. For example, I was pretty impressed by the simple idea that most of the population got around town and rode to work on a bike; that a huge chunk of people are simultaneously remaining active and healthy while saving on the enormous strains put on the environment by carbon dioxide emissions.

It was the Danish's simple philosophy of hygge that got to me. Hygge can be roughly translated as meaning cosiness, but this is simply inadequate. It is much more than that - it's a way of life for the Danes. Hygge is all about experiencing a friendly and uncomplicated atmosphere, usually where friends can eat and drink and just be merry. The Danes do everything in their power to create this hyggelig atmosphere. Cafes and bars across the city are lit with candles; cafes often filled with couches and pillows; blankets provided on all outdoor seats at restaurants. Friends and family get together and make dinner. People socialize while sitting on the sofa sipping from a glass of wine and listening to some good music. The Danes go out to have fun with other people, in settings and on weekends that are described as being hyggelig (roughly pronounced hoog-a-lee). It may be hard to pronounce, but it's definitely not hard to experience. I experienced it everywhere in Copenhagen, and I marvel at how happy people can be and how much fun they can create despite the usually grey, dreary weather there. They take the weather and give it the finger. They don’t let it dictate how they feel; they decide to make every day life enjoyable through their own means. This way of life, this way of looking at life, is so fulfilling. It made me think, if only everyone in the world could take this perspective, we would feel so much more settled in life.

I found time to travel to Amsterdam, Stockholm, and even took a road trip across Norway with four of the most incredible people I've ever met. (Norway is a really beautiful country, too). I saw different ways of life, different cultures, learned history, saw art, and came to appreciate all of it. I began to question my own way of life, my own set of beliefs, and felt like I was missing out on all of these different ways to live. I couldn't have possibly thought my narrow, Canadian view was all there is, right? My experiences abroad have enlightened me. They have made me become more aware, more thoughtful, more experienced, and in sum: a wiser person. And I’m very happy for that.

Aside from the experiences, living on my own in a foreign country was a whole new test for me. I've never been away from home for such a long period - heck, I've never actually travelled before, not independently at least. It was a new experience to have to tackle everything on my own, especially as a traveller and being in a whole new environment. There were no parents for me to call up for advice or for comfort. I was a real man now, and had to get things done on my own and with my own convictions. Some things were easier than I expected. Once I stepped on the plane to Copenhagen, it seems I knew there was no turning back, and somehow I knew just how to handle everything. And yet it was still a challenge, and I feel better equipped to take on the world now that I've met that challenge.

My travelling and exchange abroad, however, are not the only experiences to have changed me during this time. Only a few weeks into being on exchange, near the end of September, I was contacted by my father through email who proceeded to tell me that he had been diagnosed with throat cancer. That's right, the dreaded "c" word. During the first month after that, I was, to say the least, carrying a lot of emotional baggage and found it really hard to cope with the situation. It didn't help that I was across the ocean, away from all family and away from my dad, while this was happening. At the time, the task of dealing with the fact that my father had cancer seemed enormous and unendurable. I can only imagine how my dad felt, and am thus amazed that he handled it so remarkably well.

My father now nears what is hopefully a complete and full recovery. He's gone through a gruelling 3 months of chemotherapy and radiation, which has left his throat in an unfortunately lousy condition. Without going into too many details, he simply has been made to feel utterly craptacular for months ever since he began treatment, and he has had to endure a lot. Some of these effects will remain with him for life. All I can say is that my dad is an incredibly brave, strong, selfless, persevering, and passionate individual, and my only goal in life is to emulate him. If I can do that, I've succeeded.

The point of this is that my viewpoint now is completely different from what it was at the time. I now find myself looking at the enormous positives that this whole situation brought about. For one, I've never been prouder of my family. My mother has been a rock for my father, a role reversal from before. I've seen kindness and insight from my brothers that I've never seen before. And my entire extended family has been ridiculously supportive and helpful. I've seen a lot of goodness in a lot of people, and it makes me happy to see that people are so completely capable of this. Furthermore, I've come to appreciate my family and my friends even more than I did before. There is always something we take for granted and we never do realize how valuable it is until something like this happens.

Ultimately, my experiences in Denmark where it felt like every moment is so valued; my experiences abroad in many countries with different people with different views; and my experiences through my dad as he battled cancer - all of this ties back to perspective. I am able to put things in perspective. It's about time that I uncomplicate life and come to realize what truly is important to me.And this couldn't have come at a better time, as I near the end of my 3rd year of my undergraduate degree (in sociology of all disciplines). Soon, I will need to start thinking about "real life" and what I'm going to do with my life and who I want to be as a person.

I still don't have the answers. I don’t magically know what to do now. I can say, however, that I know I want to uncomplicate my life. That I am more confident than ever that the world isn’t as terrible as it seems, because I know too many people who make the world feel so great to me. And that whatever I do...I'm now in a better position than I was before, thanks to some experiences that were very fortunate, and some that weren't really so fortunate, but have changed me nonetheless, in a very positive way.

I’m reminded of and leave you with one of my favourite quotes:

“Let the world change you… and you can change the world.”

"Many a treasure besides Ali Baba's is unlocked with a verbal key."---Henry Van Dyke

Love

Peter

"Discretion Is The Better Part of Valour"

Or something like that.  And while I think it's supposed to suggest that sometimes you're better off to simply avoid a dangerous situation altogether, I prefer to interpret it as "be brave, but be smart".

Cause there's no way I'm gonna avoid this situation.  I live here!  This is my neighbourhood!  The property that he walks his dogs on is owned by the province of Ontario to which I pay a lot of taxes, and I demand my right to run there without harassment or fear.

But being smart, not stupid, does make sense and so that's what I'm gonna do.  All the helpful comments reminded me that indeed it is the man who needs a lesson, not the dogs, and as such I have devised a new strategy beyond the spray and the stick.

As John mentioned, it's probably unwise to use the implements of destruction (thx Arlo...brownie points to the first person who can explain that reference without research), on the man, and since I believe in gun control because then you can't shoot someone when you're mad, the same thing applies at least to the hockey stick.  I will leave it at home for now, although I have it ready.

As to the strategy I will leave that for another day, as it's still percolating.  Suffice it to say that's it's intended to treat the dogs kindly even when they snarl at me, and if it works, drive the man insane.  We shall see eh?

One thing I have decided is that I am never gonna waste a single word on this maniac again.  I'm not gonna talk to him ever!  I refuse to respond in kind to his abuse. Besides he doesn't even know the level of compliment he paid me when he named me "idiot", and I'm even good with being called a retard!!  Yes!!  Seriously!!

And did you know that about 10 years ago the province implemented something called the Dog Owners Liability Act, under which you can take someone to court for the actions of their pet. It's fairly comprehensive but I don't know how much "bite" it has in actual fact.  One interesting element is that your dog doesn't have to bite someone before you can be liable.  Just scaring the crap out of people is grounds enough. 

And just for the sake of clarity what makes this situation more difficult than normal, is that although the old hospital grounds are provincially owned, they are still technically private property, and unless we have some official business there, we are all in fact trespassing.

Also does anyone know, or know someone who knows, how to discover the owner of a vehicle by their plate number.  That would be very, very valuable!

"I'm retarded - I mean I'm retired"--- Frank Serpico

...and am I the only person who didn't know there was a real "Serpico"?

Love
Peter

"Stop Running You Idiot"

That's what the man was yelling at me.  The man who's dog was chasing me and totally ignoring his commands to return.  I wondered why he thought I was gonna listen to him when his dog wouldn't.  What he didn't know is that I wasn't afraid of his stupid dog, and indeed I hoped it was gonna keep following me back to the road where I had a good chance of getting it killed.  He has another more vicious dog which fortunately he had on a leash, but I wouldn't have done anything different.

I went straight back home, got my wife's pepper spray, and headed straight back, but by that time he had his dogs back in his vehicle.  Not sure why because he promised me that he would be there all day waiting for me?  He threatened me a bit more, and called me a retard, but I totally ignored him.  Just showed him my spray.

I am sick and tired of this fucker and his fucking dogs chasing my wife and I, and I am even more sick and tired of his verbal abuse, and I'm done with it!  I'm going running at the same spot every day until I see him again, and if one of his fucking beasts approaches me it's gonna get sprayed.  If that  don't work (but it will), the sawed off hockey stick I'm gonna start carrying will come after the spray.

Other than that I had a lovely day, working on my sons house.  :)

"He was a dreamer, a thinker, a speculative philosopher... or, as his wife would have it, an idiot"---Douglas Adams

Love

Peter

"I'm Back"

Briefly at least.  And I was actually away.  Colb and I packed up the RV and headed a couple of hours north to brother Bills place.  He invited a few helpers to put a new roof on a section of his house, and I was honoured to be one of them.

Saturday was a very special day as brothers Terry and John were also there, along with Bills son Evan, and brother in law Gerry.

The chemistry, the camaraderie, and the bullshit were all at a very high level.  And once again I managed to 'not' be in charge.

The most special moment for me however was Sunday morning after the job was done.  Bill came out to the motorhome to visit and all I had to do was look at his pyjamas to confirm he was indeed my brother.

Further confirmation came in the form of the shadows that our respective noses cast over our faces!!

Anyway,  thanks a lot Bill for a  great visit.  I have loved you longer than any of my other brothers, and although I don't tell you this enough, many of the most special memories of my formative years involved you.

My perception of you today when I'm already 60 years old, and you're getting close, is of a kind, loving man who treats those around him with respect and decency, and who adds significant value to the lives of those same people.  I know that I'm proud to call you little brother!

"I smile because you’re my brother. I laugh because there is nothing you can do about it"---Anon

Love

Peter

"Holy Crap!"

My life is complete!  My mission in life accomplished!  I am completely fulfilled!

Yup!

Here's the story.  My lovely and I spent a couple of hours at Adrian's new house while he was at work, ripping out long neglected shrubs and trees, as well as trimming the ones that remain.  That involved hedge clippers, pruner, axe and even the chain saw....and a whole lot of work!  What a hoot!

The first bit of feedback was from my wife who said and I quote, "I really enjoyed working with you today!"

Big deal you may say, but it really is.  And I'm gonna take all the credit.  Credit because the only way this would have been possible is if I didn't act in charge all day.  Hats off to me eh?!

But the second bit of feedback was even more special.  Here's the screen shot evidence.

I rest my case.  Life is good!!

"Life's most persistent and urgent question is, 'What are you doing for others?'"---Martin Luther King

Love

Peter

"I Know What You're Thinking"

"The guy says he's gonna start blogging again and he lasts two days"

Wrong!  I won't post every day but for a while at least I will be fairly regular.

When I have fallen out of the habit in the past it usually coincided with a darker period in my world.  Or?  It occurred to me that perhaps it wasn't just coincidence.

I think it's a little like exercise.  It's easy to slack off for a couple of days cause your sore or tired, and next thing you know you have stopped altogether.  To follow up on my analogy, it would be ludicrous to say that my weight gain and loss of fitness was coincidental with my cessation of exercise.

So maybe I need to blog just to stay mentally healthy??

And surely I could take some learning from myself.  I truly believe that regular physical exercise will be a part of my life for as long as I live.  Despite the frustration with the loss of my endurance  I still do something almost every day, and every day I am grateful for it.  I never resent it, and strange as it may seem I'm looking forward to winter exercise.

I have however learned to take it a bit easier, to be a little kinder to myself.  And as such I'll try to do the same with my mental exercise, in the hopes of building better long term habits.

And to give you some sense of where I am right now I admit to pretty severe morning depression, coupled with tons of anxiety on and off.  I suspect it has a lot to do with losing my Ironman addiction which has probably just been a mask.  I'm sure it's a good thing that I can't hide behind that any more.    I  am also starting to understand the extreme level of my control issues....incredible how stressed I get when I can't be in charge!!!

And on the physical front I'm fairly content with the little groove I've fallen into.  I often jog 5 kms now (3 out of the last 4 days), and I intersperse that with bike rides anywhere from 30-50 kms.  I just cleaned my time trial bike and put it away, and will now stick with my mountain bike through the winter.  That could mean some video blogs in the near future :) Also I think maybe I'm gonna just avoid the pool for a while longer since it's not my favorite pastime anyway.

Also on the physical front I'm pleased to say that for the moment at least I'm drug free.  I made a decision a month ago to stop taking the artificial thyroid stuff.  I know that the drug companies, the medical testing labs, and the doctors all disagree with that, but the truth of the matter is that I took it for almost 2 years, and it didn't make a damn bit of difference other than in the blood tests!  I don't regret the decision.

And that's it for today.

"When you relinquish the desire to control your future, you can have more happiness."---Nicole Kidman

Love
Peter

"The End of an Era"

What a strange feeling.  A bitter, sweet kind of sensation.  After all it's been nearly 27 years since he came to live with us, and now he's gone.

The sweet part is that Adrian has worked very hard over the last several years, and put himself into  position to buy his own home.  We are very proud of him. 

And while bitter is not the right word, there is certainly a sadness in his leaving.  I'm gonna miss him a lot.  

But alas, it's a time that most parents face at some point, and I think we're ready.  And while this may not be much of a comeback post, I think it's appropriate.

Good luck son.  I love you and I'll miss you. 

I read a phrase recently that I really liked.  It was advice I suppose, and went like this.  At some point in our lives we need to move from "what will I get?" to "what can I offer?"  The instant I read it I knew it was timely advice for yours truly.  I have spent most of my life trying to get stuff, and I need to spent the rest of it trying to offer what value I can to the lives of others.

Funny thing though.  I have never needed that advice as relates to my sons.  I have always been ready to offer them a helping hand, probably to a fault. 

And while I am honest to myself with my shortcomings as a parent I believe that the one thing I managed to teach my kids is how best to treat those around them.  Because of that skill, Adrian has the most remarkable group of friends, and I hope they still come here to play volleyball.  Adrian's new yard is about big enough for ping pong, so I expect we will see them come summer time  

"Treasure your relationships, not your possessions."---Anthony J D'Angelo

Love

Dad

"Hi!"

Thank you lord for thinking about me, I'm alive and doing fine.

I'm gonna start blogging again...I'm pretty sure.

Here's what inspired me.

I had just stepped outside today when I was encouraged to look up by the very common calling of some Canada geese.  I think we are on some flight path here because this is a frequent daily occurrence, some days seeing literally hundreds of them passing overhead, going every which direction.   I never tire of watching them, and I always look up.

Today's gift from god was a very small flock of some 6-7 geese, but the special part of it was that they were very low, and directly over head.  Despite their low altitude, I would never have known they were there if it wasn't for their honking.  Their incredibly streamlined, fluid, soundless, flying motion was like something out of a CGI movie.  How these big, fat waddling creatures can transform themselves into something so remarkable once they loft themselves into the air astounds me. Not a feather out of place, and not the slightest bit of wasted movement.  Incredible!  .....thank you lord for thinking about me.....

The funny thing is that I have had an extensive partial post prepared for some time, but it still sits in draft mode while I stand around and watch the geese.  And while a fellow could certainly waste time in much more useless fashion than that, I also realize that blogging is a healthy activity for me, even if no one reads it.

So the geese inspired me, but so also did my little brother.  Please see todays quote from a guest blog of more than 4 years ago...

"Am I ever fortunate to be running along this road, beside this farm, at this time, with these exact conditions, while most of the rest of the world is still sleeping”---John (holij) Rooyakkers

Love

Peter