Or he, or she, or whoever! I just hope they're grateful!!
I'm back! Have you missed me? Are you grateful that I was gone, or grateful that I'm back. or maybe some of both?
Whatever it may be in your case, please know that I don't give a rats ass, either way!
I used to care. I used to believe that when I did something for someone, even if that doing meant simply leaving them alone to run their lives, that they should be grateful. If you're anything like me you've said it a million times in reference to children, parents, siblings, grandchildren, employers, friends, neighbours, or even the guy you held the door for at church.
"I just hope they're grateful."
But that's not even really what we mean is it? At least not in my case. Rather than hoping for their gratitude, we're expecting it of them!! And not just that, often we are expecting to be the recipient of their gratitude. Yah!
Perhaps more importantly are the numerous times that I haven't actually spoken the words, but I have thought them. I realized recently that with so many things I do, even when done out of love, I expect some form of gratitude! Not that I need to hear words of thanks mind you. As a matter of fact I don't want it openly directed at me because it just makes me feel self conscious, but I still have this need to know that the person feels some kind of debt to the universe in general!----they "should" be grateful.
Of course that thought about others is most likely just a reflection on myself. I should always feel grateful whenever I'm the recipient, and if I don't feel that way, I should feel guilty instead! Crazy eh?
But no longer do I think that. No longer do I think that I or anyone else "needs" to be grateful, as if it's some kind of obligatory emotional tax that everyone owes whenever they are the recipient of anything good.
I've had it all wrong, and as much as I wish I had figured it out by myself I admit the original thought came from the Byron Katie book. She said that the very moment you expect any gratitude for any gift given, or service performed, that you've immediately lost the personal value you gained through your generosity. I agree!
My lovely and I talked about this whole thing at some length, and while it may not seem original to you smart people out there, we managed to take it a bit further. I know for me it was a moment of clarity.
You see I realized that when I'm happiest, it's when I'm overwhelmed by feelings of gratitude. Or at least when those feelings are not tempered with guilt over the good things that I have. There is no greater feeling than one of pure, unadulterated, tears in your eyes, gratitude!!!
That's the way I want to feel all the time! Grateful!
So!
From now on whenever I 'hope' that someone's grateful, that's exactly what I'm gonna be doing. I'm gonna hope that they're grateful, because I truly want them to be. Not because I believe they owe it, but rather because they deserve it. You see, that's what I figured out.
Gratitude is not something you give to someone, or that you owe to anyone, not even god! Surely you can 'give thanks' and that's a good practice, but gratitude is different. Gratitude is a feeling, one I believe we all deserve.
And again, I know that's all old news to most of you, but then most of you aren't as screwed up as me. I'm working on it. :)
...and while I don't quite get the message of this quote, it does have a problem. Can you identify it?
"The debt of gratitude we owe our mother and father goes forward, not backward. What we owe our parents is the bill presented to us by our children."---Nancy Friday
...yah! Gratitude and debt in the same sentence!!
.... but this one is exquisite, and it's for you Roo. Thanks for helping me talk my way through this stuff. I'm forever grateful :)
"What I myself experience is indescribable gratitude in the face of God's perpetual and preemptive love, a love which is not contingent upon requital or even belief in His existence."---Franz Wright
Love
Peter
I'm back! Have you missed me? Are you grateful that I was gone, or grateful that I'm back. or maybe some of both?
Whatever it may be in your case, please know that I don't give a rats ass, either way!
I used to care. I used to believe that when I did something for someone, even if that doing meant simply leaving them alone to run their lives, that they should be grateful. If you're anything like me you've said it a million times in reference to children, parents, siblings, grandchildren, employers, friends, neighbours, or even the guy you held the door for at church.
"I just hope they're grateful."
But that's not even really what we mean is it? At least not in my case. Rather than hoping for their gratitude, we're expecting it of them!! And not just that, often we are expecting to be the recipient of their gratitude. Yah!
Perhaps more importantly are the numerous times that I haven't actually spoken the words, but I have thought them. I realized recently that with so many things I do, even when done out of love, I expect some form of gratitude! Not that I need to hear words of thanks mind you. As a matter of fact I don't want it openly directed at me because it just makes me feel self conscious, but I still have this need to know that the person feels some kind of debt to the universe in general!----they "should" be grateful.
Of course that thought about others is most likely just a reflection on myself. I should always feel grateful whenever I'm the recipient, and if I don't feel that way, I should feel guilty instead! Crazy eh?
But no longer do I think that. No longer do I think that I or anyone else "needs" to be grateful, as if it's some kind of obligatory emotional tax that everyone owes whenever they are the recipient of anything good.
I've had it all wrong, and as much as I wish I had figured it out by myself I admit the original thought came from the Byron Katie book. She said that the very moment you expect any gratitude for any gift given, or service performed, that you've immediately lost the personal value you gained through your generosity. I agree!
My lovely and I talked about this whole thing at some length, and while it may not seem original to you smart people out there, we managed to take it a bit further. I know for me it was a moment of clarity.
You see I realized that when I'm happiest, it's when I'm overwhelmed by feelings of gratitude. Or at least when those feelings are not tempered with guilt over the good things that I have. There is no greater feeling than one of pure, unadulterated, tears in your eyes, gratitude!!!
That's the way I want to feel all the time! Grateful!
So!
From now on whenever I 'hope' that someone's grateful, that's exactly what I'm gonna be doing. I'm gonna hope that they're grateful, because I truly want them to be. Not because I believe they owe it, but rather because they deserve it. You see, that's what I figured out.
Gratitude is not something you give to someone, or that you owe to anyone, not even god! Surely you can 'give thanks' and that's a good practice, but gratitude is different. Gratitude is a feeling, one I believe we all deserve.
And again, I know that's all old news to most of you, but then most of you aren't as screwed up as me. I'm working on it. :)
...and while I don't quite get the message of this quote, it does have a problem. Can you identify it?
"The debt of gratitude we owe our mother and father goes forward, not backward. What we owe our parents is the bill presented to us by our children."---Nancy Friday
...yah! Gratitude and debt in the same sentence!!
.... but this one is exquisite, and it's for you Roo. Thanks for helping me talk my way through this stuff. I'm forever grateful :)
"What I myself experience is indescribable gratitude in the face of God's perpetual and preemptive love, a love which is not contingent upon requital or even belief in His existence."---Franz Wright
Love
Peter
I'm grateful for you Pete :) and Roo too; hell, I'm grateful for your entire damn family!!
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure if you're serious about not getting the message of the debt quote, but this is what I think about it. I think it's the old idea of reciprocal - if a good deed is done to you - then you either reciprocate or do a good deed for someone else. In the case of the quote - we "should" have a debt of gratitude to our parents for all the gave us (? not always), but rather than paying them back, we "should" give to our children in payment of what our parents gave to us. I can't say I subscribe to that way of thinking....as Rosamund Zander explained to us at Magna - that is scarcity thinking....that we can only give what we've received - I know that I can give as much as I choose - regardless of what's been given to me. My gratitude is not a should ~ it just "is" and it doesn't benefit anyone else as much as it benefits myself. I agree with you Pete - I can't think of any time I feel better than when I'm in gratitude. Lucky for me I recognize my gratitude often!
Love this Deb :)
DeleteAnd also, I have missed you here...I've checked your blog every day and I've wondered how you're doing when I didn't see your post. And now that I'm thinking about it, I believe I was grateful for you as I missed your blogging :) xoxo
ReplyDeleteAgreed!
DeleteI love you
ReplyDeleteSince you asked us to try and identify the problem with the first quote, my immediate thought was that it's heteronormative :) It presumes that we have a mother and a father, not two mothers or fathers, or just a mother or a father, or maybe even no mother or father at all, but some other relationship with a person who acted as our guardians growing up :)
ReplyDeleteLove,
Michael
Agreed :) xo
DeleteI love you
ReplyDeleteI wrote a great response, but it got eaten. :)
ReplyDeleteOh my word!!!!!!. you have no idea how profound this is for me. No idea. Thank you. I am grateful for your sharing
ReplyDelete