"Told Ya!"

That I would feel better today.

Went for my walk first thing, without a watch, and without a heart rate monitor.  I think that needs to become the norm.  I managed probably about 5 minutes total running as part of my 7 kms.

Then I got a serious start on my Colby project.  Got the ductwork all moved and the subfloor down.  Tomorrow I start framing.

I'm feeling very grateful.  Although Colby is away visiting his dad for the weekend he stayed in constant touch.  I have never seen him so excited about something.  His enthusiasm is contagious, and I am certain that is the biggest reason for my improved mood.

I also had a reminder today of how incredibly fortunate I am to live where I live.  This morning we had a wild mallard duck eating corn out of a bowl in our kitchen!!!!  Yup!  Walked in the door and had some breakfast!! Do you freakin believe that??!!  That also improved my attitude.

...I like this one...

"The trick is to be grateful when your mood is high and graceful when it is low."---Richard Carlson

Love
Peter

"Just For Today"

I'm gonna rest on my laurels, just because Michael says I can. I'm feeling at low tide but since I'm living in day tight compartments, I know that doesn't mean I'll feel the same way tomorrow.

I bought a bunch of stuff for Colbys new room, so I can charge full speed ahead. I feel so blessed to be able to do this for him. His current bedroom is immediately off of the living room, and that just isn't healthy for a 13 year old boy. When I was a kid I could at least go to the barn when I had to get away, but of course there were enough of us that you would never be missed. Although I know it's not practical for everyone, I believe that all kids need a quiet space to go where they can be all alone, and where no one knows what the hell they're doing. No one!

I think I made a mistake today though, and that was to not do any kind of a workout. I think that I need to remain faithful to daily exercise of some kind, even if it's just brisk walking. That's why I'm feeling pretty anxious I believe.

I'm trying to make up for it with a few glasses of liquor, but that will only work until about 2 am! Then I'll start paying it back. Oh well. I promise to get some exercise before I even start on the construction project tomorrow.

And that's it!

"Other than dying, I think puberty is probably about as rough as it gets."---Rick Springfield"

...and this one can be taken different ways I suppose. At first I laughed, but then I thought about some misogynists I know, and I seen it from a different perspective...

"The big mistake that men make is that when they turn thirteen or fourteen and all of a sudden they've reached puberty, they believe that they like women. Actually, you're just horny. It doesn't mean you like women any more at twenty-one than you did at ten."---George William Curtis

Love

Peter

"One Week Later"

I'm back!
Blogging at least.
And while I would love to tell you that I'm smarter a week later, that would be a lie.
Here's what happened.

We did the 12K trail race a week ago saturday without too much trouble, and then I had a very satisfactory 50K ride the day after.  The only problem was that I aggravated the horrible friction burns I got on saturday, and by the monday i was barely able to walk.  Because the space between my legs doesn't get much sunshine or fresh air, and because I never gave it a chance to heal properly it ended up very angry.  I had no choice but to stop all activity for a week or so to let it heal.  It seemed like a good opportunity to rest everything, even my mind, and as such I decided to take a pause from blogging as well.

And despite some build up of anxiety, and despite a continuously growing spare tire, I really thought  the rest was just what I needed.

Unfortunately what I thought was a rest for my mind might well have been one for my right brain, but it sure wasn't for my left brain.  Based on my two successive good workouts,  my left brain initiated a story telling sequence, which grew and grew as every day went by, finally culminating in s story of a half Ironman this fall, and another shot at Tremblant next summer!!

There was no doubt!  I could do this!

My story fell to pieces yesterday!

My thighs were finally at the point that I dared to go for a little jog, mind you with a huge helping of vaseline.  I went to the trails, and while at first I felt great, by the end of my 5K jog/walk I was totally gassed.   After not doing anything for more than a week!!!  Incredible!  And that wasn't the worst of it.  I spent the rest of the day on the couch feeling like I had run about 35 kms without any water.  I could barely stand, let alone walk around, I was so faint. My blood pressure was 94/54 which is also just bizarre!

Moral of the story?  I still haven't let it go despite my best intentions.  I need to suffer some more I suppose.

But, I promise to keep trying.  I have an exciting new project I'm working on with Colby (building him a new bedroom) and I'm starting to get things together for our shed rebuild which begins on the first day of July.  I'm gonna try to make those two things my priority, an then fit is some exercise for the sake of exercise, whenever I can.

It's circular thinking in a way I suppose, but I suspect that the only way I will ever do another Ironman, is if get to the point where I don't want to.  We shall see.

And that's it.  I'll probably try to post regularly again, but don't consider that a promise.

....and I'm with Ziggy, even if he's dead....

"I don't know where I'm going from here, but I promise it won't be boring."---David Bowie

Love
Peter

"On Hiatus"

From training and from blogging. Not sure for how long.  I just know a break is the best thing for me right now.  I'm trying to spend my time a wee bit differently.
Please know that I'm feeling well, trying hard to ingrain some of  my new found knowledge....and trying to unlearn some more old habits.  I came across this quote just today.

"Enlightenment is not a process of learning, it is a process of unlearning."--- Dr Kat Domingo

Beauty eh?

Love
Peter

"The Problem With Reality"

As I sit here in my easy chair I can identify several things that I consider real.  Facts, I guess you could say.  Things that my senses tell me are real.  Tangible stuff.

For example,

I know I rode my bike 50 kms today because my computer said so, and I clearly remember making the tuns and taking the roads that were that distance other times.

I know I weigh almost 180 pounds because I have consistently used the same scale, and I have watched it gradually climb from 165 last summer.

I know that I spent part of my day working on a new coffee table for our living room. because I can see it sitting in front of me, and I still have some glue on my fingers.

But then there's all that other stuff.  The less tangible, the less measurable stuff, stuff that's more a place in your mind than a reflection of your senses.

And when I claim a need to accept reality it's all that other stuff I'm talking about.  While I don't like that I weigh 180 pounds, I have no problem accepting it, and know pretty well that I can choose to change it if I like.

But ask me if it's reality that I'm too old, too weak, too sick, too neurotic, too stupid to eventually go back to Mont Tremblant and get it right, and I can't answer the question.

Cause I don't know if it's reality??  That space in my mind remains in turmoil.  I enter all the data I have and start inching towards a conclusion, and then something happens and I'm back to wondering.

Like today.  I got on my bike and rode 50 kms at 30 kms/hr, at an average of 150 watts, and I didn't even really try that hard.  It was just a good steady ride with a gradually increasing intensity.  The last 10K was over 33 kms/hr, with a power output of 167 watts.  And that after doing the 12K trail race yesterday.  There was absolutely no indication of fatigue, or soreness.   I felt great, bolstered no doubt by the incredible weather.

And maybe it's all pretty pathetic, and maybe I'm just refusing to accept what's obvious to the rest of you, but I guess I'm just not ready.  Perhaps I need to suffer some more?

And lastly for today there is one other thing I know for sure!  I'm sure because sister Mary told me so, and that makes it irrefutable  She informed me at exactly 12:52 this morning that she had just became a grandma!  So welcome to my world, Ms Avery Marie Grosicki!!  Woohoo!  I hope she reads my blog :)

Oh, and one more thing.  A big shout out to sister Elly today,  She's been a grandma forever already so not for that, but rather for the fact that she has been as courageous a person as I know for far longer.  This one's for you.

"The worst guilt is to accept an unearned guilt."---Ayn Rand

Love
Peter

"I Got Smoked"

But it's my own fault  If I hadn't invited her along she wouldn't have been able to beat me!  Oh well.  It wasn't the first time, and it surely won't be the last.  There were 60 people in our event (12K trail), and Roo finished in the top half at 29th, in a nice time of 1:05:40.  I was pleased to finish in 1:09:41 for 46th place.  Even though it was 2 kms further than last week, my overall pace was just a wee bit better.  Still more work to do to get comfortable though, as I was nervous again for the entire race.

More importantly however, I really enjoyed just being together doing something we both like.

I made a few mistakes today, one of them for the second time this year.  I left my damn GPS at home again, and I was stressed without it.  I also wore a pair of shorts that I haven't since last year, and I paid for that big time with very painful friction burns on my inner thighs.  I'm walking a bit funny :)

How about this weather though eh?  It's about time I suppose, but that just made it sweeter when it arrived.  I hope it's here to stay this time.

And although I had a very good day I know I still have a long way to go.  My mind still refuses to accept the reality of my new abilities, and I know that's still causing me pain.  Until I can face the reality that I can not run near as fast or as far as I used to, and that long distance triathlon is very likely a thing of my past, I will continue to struggle.

Hard to do......for me at least.  Still feels like quitting.

"Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one."---Albert Einstein

Love
Peter

"Feeling Peaceful"

And I'm not really sure why.  The only thing I am sure of is that I'm not gonna make any attempt to analyze it.  I was actually a bit anxious this morning but from the moment Roo, Kylie and headed out to finish our furniture shopping, I have had a great day.

And yes, we went to the store to do this.  I will buy a lot of things from the couch, but a couch is not one of them.  And maybe I'll get you a pic once we actually get it because it will be at least 2 weeks before it arrives.

Going to bed now cause Roo and I have our 12K trail thing tomorrow.  We'll see how that goes.  Crazy that somehow I believe it will be okay, even though yesterday I couldn't go 50 metres without having to stop.

I'll let you know what happens.

"Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome."--- Isaac Asimov

Love

Peter

"Couch Shopping"

I'm exhausted, and we haven't even bought anything yet!  That's okay.  I'm just grateful for the time Roo and I had together.

My favourite part of the whole day was when Roo would politely call the salesmen liars.  Poor buggers.  Too bad they feel the need.  If they only didn't lie, they wouldn't have to tun all red and start stuttering.  lmao

And I can't figure out how a couch turned into a couch, a loveseat, a recliner, a coffee table, and an occasional table for under the TV??  Damn lying salesmen!

And speaking of liars, I tried to donate  $.01 to the Donald Trump campaign today just because I thought it would be funny, but apparently they are not allowed to take foreign contributions.  Besides, the minimum donation was $1.00 and that's $0.99 too rich for me.

It occurs to me that all furniture sales people and all politicians have the same problem with the truth.

And I feel really crappy physically today so it's damn good to know that that's exactly what I want....it's a Byron Katie thing...

And although I decided against the top ten symptoms of what's wrong with the world I may still try to throw one in every once in a while.  Here's todays.

Did you know that the US navy is about to launch a new boat.  Yup!  A brand spanking new aircraft carrier.  They've been working on it for more than 10 years now, but she's just about ready.  Would you like to know how much it cost, this machine of war.  This machine that serves absolutely no other purpose.  Well I'm gonna tell you!  13 billion USD or about 16.5 billion CAD!
That looks like this ----13,000,000,000.00 USD!!!
Thats about 40 bucks for every american, man, woman and child!
Or about 2 bucks for every living human being!!
Oh, and they can put about 75 airplanes on this boat....they're extra though!

"You cannot simultaneously prevent and prepare for war."---Albert Einstein

Love
Peter

"Thoughts"

I've got so many really cool ideas floating around in my head, and every time I try to translate them into words I get stuck.  They seem so random and yet somehow like they should belong together.   I think death is the centre around which they revolve---or maybe resolve---or maybe both?

Do you think that perhaps the only reason we ever rush around getting shit done is because we are afraid of dying.  Why else would it matter?  Whatever doesn't get done today we can to tomorrow can we not?  Unless we're dead!  Then we better rush to get the groceries done eh??

Same goes for the anxiety that keeps us (me) from relaxing when I feel like I haven't achieved enough.  I must be afraid that I'm wasting time that I'll never have back.  Gotta fill all the waking hours with measurable efforts!

And why would anyone be afraid of dying?  Actually with a bit of help from Byron Katie I know the answer to that.  We are afraid of death, only because we think it's not as good as life!  

Once I change that for myself then all fear should go away should it not?   I believe it will.

Funny thing is, most religions tells us that death is the just the beginning of happiness, and yet I'm pretty confident that relatively speaking, most of the church goers are just as scared as those who don't practice.

I think part of the problem is accepting the aging of our bodies.  The only thing we have to compare to is yesterday, and sad but true, we were younger yesterday.  

And I realize that even in my last sentence (sad but true) I'm suggesting that the road to death need be an unhappy one.  That of course further implies that death itself is bad. 

So I don't know if that all makes any sense as I describe it, but I know that in my head it does.  Simply put, I need to change, or perhaps discard totally, my beliefs about aging and dying.  

That will take some work, but today is a good a day as any to start.

Towards that end, today I made a significant change to my triathlon bike setup.  I moved my aero bars, and elbow pads up a full 2 cms!!  That's a bit less than an inch to anyone over 60, and while that may not seem that much, trust me, t it's a radical move.  The change will make me less aerodynamic, but should make me much more comfortable.  I hope t test it by the weekend as the weather man suggests that spring may indeed finally be arriving.  

And to use my bike change as a metaphor for my aging and dying stuff, I could say that I need to slow down, enjoy the ride some more, and stop counting the minutes that I may be wasting just for the sake of comfort.

And last but not least I have very exciting news to share.  My wife and I are gonna do something together that we haven't done in a long time.  

Yup!  It's gonna be a hoot!

Are you ready for this?

Roo has kindly agreed to join me at the MEC races next week, and we're gonna do the 12K trails together!  I tell you I am very, very excited.  We used to do this stuff all the time, but this will be the first in more than 10 years.  I can't wait!!

Oh and one more last last thing because I gotta get it off my chest.  Why is Francis, the head of the one, holy, catholic, and apostolic church, (I remember that from catechism class), and the spiritual leader of 1.2 billion catholics, and the representative of Jesus on earth, alternately being applauded or criticized by those very same 1.2 billions, because he said we should be more tolerant???

 I don't know which of those positions I find the most absurd.  God help me!!

Phew...now I feel better.  Besides, from my Katie reading I know that's God's business not mine, so I'm gonna step out of it.  

"Tolerance is giving to every other human being every right that you claim for yourself."---Robert Green Ingersoll

Love

Peter

"Perfect"

It turned out exactly the way I wanted it!  You were right Deb!

But I'm gonna have to keep doing this until I get over my anxiety about it.  I was nervous almost the whole way through, compounded I suppose by the fact that it was a trail run. As much as there is pleasure in running trails, it is definitely different than running on the roads, especially when there are a few hills involved.  The hills are almost always steeper, and it becomes imperative to run them with caution.  So in essence this was a first for me, and I can justify a bit of nervousness.  

I tried very hard to finish last (I think there were 6 or 7 runners), and yet one person managed to go slower.  Actually I was the last place male runner which also put me third!  :)  I think I was supposed to get a prize for that, but I never stuck around to find out.

After the first loop I was faced with a decision whether to be my usual anal self, or if perhaps I could chill a bit for once.  You see, my watch told me I had only run 4.75 kms, when one loop was of course supposed to be five.  There would be no reason that they couldn't make it correct since there was a little out and back section that provided opportunity to do just that.

But, I know that a wrist worn GPS is not always perfect especially given certain conditions.  Needless to say, cloudy weather, tall trees, and a winding course, are not conducive to that perfection.  The GPS tends to straighten out the lines a bit, and not compensate well for elevation changes.

I had pretty well decided that I was gonna quit when they said I should, but alas.....when I got there my anal-ity won out, and I started on my 3rd loop just to make my watch say 10 kms!

I asked the race director about the course and she assured me that it was quite accurate, but when I got home and  compared my route to what their map showed it was very clear.  Each loop was indeed about 250 metres short.  The out and back section was clearly screwed up.  Another victory for the anal truth seeker!!

So while they said I did the race in 56:15, my actual time for 10 kms was 58:54.  I'm content with that.  I also feel quite good about having chosen this event over the one in London.  It was definitely better for me.  btw...my heart rate was perfect again for the entire time.  Not a single glitch!

And on the topic of doing more races until I'm comfortable, I already found the next one.  It's another trail race, although I suspect with a few less hills.  But.... in the interest of continuing to challenge myself, it is 12 kms.  Next Saturday in London. Holy cow!  Game on!

And that's it for today.  I want to give a sincere thanks to all those who bother to take the time to read/watch my stuff, and especially for your feedback.  Although I don't always respond directly, please know that I cherish the interaction as well.   Thanks Betty!

"Tell me I'm clever, Tell me I'm kind, 

  Tell me I'm talented, Tell me I'm cute, 

  Tell me I'm sensitive, Graceful and wise, 

  Tell me I'm perfect - But tell me the truth."---Shel Silverstein

Love

Peter

"Making Progress!"

Slowly, and although I would not say 'surely', I will at least say, tentatively....making progress that is.

For example....

Today I spoke to one of my children about some challenges he is facing.  I listened, told him that I thought he could handle it, and then got off the phone....without offering any advice.  After all, that's his business, not mine, and he was only telling me so that I knew. And better yet, when I got off the phone I felt grateful for his challenges.  I'm willing to bet that it works out to be a blessing!

Switching gears though...

You know what's weird?  It probably says more about me than anyone I may refer to, but I dislike every self help guru that I have ever seen in a video or on television.  I don't know why, but they always seem so pompous.  Like I said, maybe it's just me, as I find most television to be artificial.  Probably it has to be to get watched eh?  And it's not about the whole racket in general, as certainly I have read some great self help books on every topic from mental health, to addiction, to worry, to depression, etc

I think it's just the media.  When I read printed words I can just absorb the writers thoughts without layering my own bias over them.  And I admit I have lots of them, around gender, age, looks, etc.

What reminded me of this was looking up a few online videos of my favourite new author, Byron Katie. I can tell you without a shadow of a doubt that I would have rejected any advice from her if that had been my first exposure to her.  Her style just turns me right off.

Thankfully I suppose, that wasn't the case because I never heard her talk until after having read her book of quotes, because I can tell you that I think she's brilliant.  There were so many statements that she made that absolutely floored me, and I wish to share a few of them.  I chose never to become a disciple of any one person, but this lady is definitely on my list.

Hmmmm.....forget that!

I just spent the last hour transcribing a whole bunch of stuff from her book, and for some reason got more and more uncomfortable about it as I went on.  While I was halfway through the 13th quote, I deleted them all!!  I can't even say for sure why, because I certainly credited her.

I will leave you with this instead.  This book really affected me.  More I'm sure than anything I have ever read!  If you want a copy send me your address and I will send you one!  I promise!  

That will be a much better way to share her wisdom, and one I am more comfortable with.  After all, there's still a bit of the conservative in me, and I think it's okay if she gets paid a few bucks for her ideas  :)

And don't forget to think about me tomorrow.  Ten kilometre trail run!!  What ever happens, I will be happy with it.  Another promise!

"When I walk into a room I know that everyone in there loves me.  I just don't expect them to realize it yet"---Byron Katie

Love

Peter

"The adventures of Colby and Gpa.

I had this idea of doing a top ten today.  It was gonna be the top ten symptoms of what's wrong with the world.  I may still do that some time, but not today.  Today was superseded by about 5 mins of fun so rewarding as to make all the world's problem seem minor.

Watch the short video here.

Love
Peter

"How Did I Miss That?"

So I told you that I signed up for a 10K in London this coming Sunday, only to be advised by Roo that there's a little trail run on the same day, at my very own, recently discovered, conservation area.  Yup!  The very same place as I fell on my head just yesterday.

Speaking of which, I'm fine.  I was quite worried originally as I heard and felt something pop as I hit the ground, and last evening it was quite sore.  I know now that the feeling was probably a tendon temporarily coming out of place, as there is clearly no significant damage.  It will be sore for a few weeks I'm sure, but this way it just matches my "bad" shoulder.  I feel more symmetrical  :)

Regardless Roo convinced me to change my plans and sign up for this thing instead.  It's closer, a bit later start, no traffic or parking problems, and I'm actually thinking of riding my bike there and back.  As to the 55 bucks I already paid to the other people, Roo has some advice there as well.  It's for a charitable cause, and indeed one I'm partial to.  The Run for Retina gives the money to The Ivey Institute and they spend it trying to find cures for various eye diseases, retinitis pigmentosa amongst them.  For those that don't know I have 3 siblings with this life altering affliction .

The problem now is to figure out how to run 10 kms.  I can only hope that race day magic kicks in, and somehow I think it will.  I did a bit of a test today by very, very gradually preparing myself to run 5, and it kinda worked out.  I sure wasn't fast, but I managed the distance okay, especially considering that I was still tired and a bit sore from yesterday.  Besides, I'm pretty sure the course will be a 5K loop completed twice, which means I can always quit half way through.  They also have a 5K, a separate 5K for you and your dog, and a shorter dog walk as well.  The race is called the Mud Dog run.

The only consideration is that it is a very small affair, which means I probably won't be able to slink away.  I will have to admit that I'm quitting or they may send out a search party for me.  I think last year there were only 10 runners in the 10K, with perhaps 50 in the other events.  Then  again, if I manage to finish, maybe I'll win!!

On the life front I realized once again today how hard it is for me to mind my own business and to give up some control. One of my children asked me for advice, and while I managed to provide it without rushing in and taking over, it took some serious discipline.  I don't have any reason to suspect that he (I can say 'he' without giving away any identity, ha ha), is going down anything but an excellent road, and yet the what if's, and the maybes, and the I know betters. just attack me from every angle.  My left brain could construct a perfect plan for him, and all would be well, regardless of what he thinks about it  :)

But I did okay I think, and left it at, 'let me know if I can do anything'.  That was a tricky moment as well though, because rather than asking for anything at that point, he simply said 'thanks'.  I was left with nothing to do!!  Guess I'll just mind my own business until, and if, he asks again.  Hard to do.

Speaking of hard to do, it is with such ambivalence that I try to just sit around and relax.  I was so very tired this morning that I didn't even look forward to all my school transportation duties, and so before I left I decided that I was gonna come straight back home to relax.  Then I thought I better try to run first to prepare my head for the 10K on the weekend, which left me even more tired.  I decided to just write my blog first and then I was gonna have a nap.  First though, I signed up for the other race, and did some internet shopping for Roo.

But instead of being able to relax even at that point, my mind was telling me I was a lazy good for nothing and I better find something to do!  I don't know the answer to that one yet.  Even as I type, now at about 4 pm, I'm thinking that I need to accomplish some task today.  Maybe I'll submit our tax returns to Mr Trudeau, even though I should wait until the end of the month.

I would happily listen to any advice, as long as you don't rush in and try to take over  :)

"I have found the best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it."---Harry Troman

"I Love My Bike...edition 37"

Went to the trails with my bike today.  I wish I could upload the video in the high quality that I can film it in because it really is stunning, but alas, that ain't meant to be.

I hope you enjoy it anyway.  There are 3 different clips totalling about 15 minutes.

First

Springwater. 

Then something I called

 Little bridges.

And the last 37 seconds which is my favourite, and is titled,

Blue sky and white clouds.

Love
Peter

"Inspired"

It's after 10 pm which is already past my bedtime, and I had no intention of tossing anything out there today.  But first Elly's heartfelt post inspired me, and then Janis Joplin came over my earbuds with an introduction to one of her major hits.

Here's Janis...

"This song has got something to say to you, if you can dig it.  It's talking about life man, and what passes by you, and what you've missed, and what you grab man.  It's a song called, get it while you can, cause it ain't gonna be there when you wakeup man"

So I thought perhaps just a few words about how I'm doing, because I know you care, and who knows what tomorrow will bring, if anything?   I'm doing okay, maybe even a little better than okay.

And what may surprise you about that is that I have actually taken a step backwards from a physical perspective.  I'm back where I was 6 or 8 weeks ago, basically unable to run, and feeling listless and fat.  The dizzy spells that were practically gone, have returned with a vengeance, and as a matter of fact I had one today at home hardware, despite not having worked out for several days.  I had no choice but to hang my heed between my legs cause I'm sure I would have ended up on the floor otherwise. Not that I want you worrying about that, because somehow I still know that it's not anything serious.

The positive in all that is that I have not regressed emotionally despite the frustrations, and as a matter of fact I think I've moved forward.  Strange that the bizarre dreams seem to have returned at the same time, and yet even that hasn't put me back down.

I actually feel like I'm on the cusp of a breakthrough, and again I don't mean physically.  My recent reading has helped, as well as the ongoing wonderful support of family and friends. I think focusing on some of them a bit more has helped me.  We went to the horse races with Michael and a bunch of friends on friday evening, and then Roo and I spent five hours in the car saturday just to watch our youngest son play hockey for an hour. As an aside to that Adrian was playing in the Magna tournament, the very same one that his mother  played in during it's inaugural, more than 25 years years ago!!  Holy crap!!

So yeah, things are okay.  Some days I can even imagine a future that involves only fitness training, without an Ironman at the end of it.  Maybe I could live a life of riding and running just for the sake of my health, and not because it is a desperate need.  Who knows eh?

Anyway, just wanted to let you know that I'm doing good!  Cause I know you care :)

"So I got me a pen and a paper, and I made up my own little sign
I said thank you Lord for thinking bout me,
I'm alive and doin fine"---Les Emmerson(Five man electrical band)

"Tomorrow never happens.  It's all the same fucking day man"---Janis Joplin

Love
Peter

"I Just Hope They're Grateful"

Or he, or she, or whoever!  I just hope they're grateful!!

I'm back!  Have you missed me?  Are you grateful that I was gone, or grateful that I'm back. or maybe some of both?

Whatever it may be in your case, please know that I don't give a rats ass, either way!

I used to care.  I used to believe that when I did something for someone, even if that doing meant simply leaving them alone to run their lives, that they should be grateful.  If you're anything like me you've said it a million times in reference to children, parents, siblings, grandchildren, employers, friends, neighbours, or even the guy you held the door for at church.

"I just hope they're grateful."

But that's not even really what we mean is it?  At least not in my case.  Rather than hoping for their gratitude, we're expecting it of them!! And not just that, often we are expecting to be the recipient of their gratitude. Yah!

Perhaps more importantly are the numerous times that I haven't actually spoken the words, but I have thought them.  I realized recently that with so many things I do, even when done out of love, I expect some form of gratitude!  Not that I need to hear words of thanks mind you.  As a matter of fact I don't want it openly directed at me because it just makes me feel self conscious, but I still have this need to know that the person feels some kind of debt to the universe in general!----they "should" be grateful.

Of course that thought about others is most likely just a reflection on myself.  I should always feel grateful whenever I'm the recipient, and if I don't feel that way, I should feel guilty instead!  Crazy eh?

But no longer do I think that.  No longer do I think that I or anyone else "needs" to be grateful, as if it's some kind of obligatory emotional tax that everyone owes whenever they are the recipient of anything good.

I've had it all wrong, and as much as I wish I had figured it out by myself I admit the original thought came from the Byron Katie book.  She said that the very moment you expect any gratitude for any gift given, or service performed, that you've immediately lost the personal value you gained through your  generosity.  I agree!

My lovely and I talked about this whole thing at some length, and while it may not seem original to you smart people out there, we managed to take it a bit further.  I know for me it was a moment of clarity.

You see I realized that when I'm happiest, it's when I'm overwhelmed by feelings of gratitude.  Or at least when those feelings are not tempered with guilt over the good things that I have.  There is no greater feeling than one of pure, unadulterated, tears in your eyes, gratitude!!!

That's the way I want to feel all the time!  Grateful!

So!

From now on whenever I 'hope' that someone's grateful, that's exactly what I'm gonna be doing.  I'm gonna hope that they're grateful, because I truly want them to be.  Not because I believe they owe it,  but rather because they deserve it.  You see, that's what I figured out.

Gratitude is not something you give to someone, or that you owe to anyone, not even god!  Surely you can 'give thanks' and that's a good practice, but gratitude is different.  Gratitude is a feeling, one I believe we all deserve.

And again, I know that's all old news to most of you, but then most of you aren't as screwed up as me.  I'm working on it.  :)

...and while I don't quite get the message of this quote, it does have a  problem.  Can you identify it?

"The debt of gratitude we owe our mother and father goes forward, not backward. What we owe our parents is the bill presented to us by our children."---Nancy Friday

...yah!  Gratitude and debt in the same sentence!!

.... but this one is exquisite, and it's for you Roo.  Thanks for helping me talk my way through this stuff.  I'm forever grateful :)

"What I myself experience is indescribable gratitude in the face of God's perpetual and preemptive love, a love which is not contingent upon requital or even belief in His existence."---Franz Wright

Love
Peter