"I Think I'm Gonna Retire"

I tried it once before but not very successfully.  And I think I know why.  I did once have a very loose  retirement vision which generally involved driving around North America with my honey.  We would motorhome from place to place, taking time and turns each day to ride or run ourselves to happiness.  Along the way there would be several triathlon competitions in which I would participate.  Included would be stops to visit many of my old American friends, even the ones who voted for Trump! I even dreamed of driving all the way to Brazil to visit with some dear people there, and of course, to do Ironman Brazil.

Of course you can envision all you like, if you don't have a plan to put things in place then your vision is just a dream, and will never materialize into anything more substantial.  I know.  I had that drummed into my head by my various Magna mentors for 27 years!

And I think I would probably have formalized a good plan if it hadn't been for the "early"retirement that those same mentors "planned" for me.  Apparently they had a vision of a Magna without yours truly, about 2 years earlier than mine

But I'm pretty resilient, and since they happily paid me to not be there for those 2 years, who was I to argue, and so Roo and I set off for a return to Penticton.  My entire life suddenly became a lot less structured, which although that sounds great in itself, I should have taken a time-out and that point to "think".  I should have revisited my retirement vision, and I should have created a plan to support it.

I did neither.  We had so much fun travelling across Canada, that we subsequently headed to Mont Tremblant a year later, with nothing concrete in mind beyond that.

And I think that even at that point I would have been okay, because after a successful race in Quebec I think I would  have been able to stand back and think things out.

But alas, it wasn't meant to be.  I crashed!  Physically, and eventually, emotionally.  What was supposed to be the high point of my life as relates to emotional and physical health, quickly spiralled downwards into another 2 years of banging my head harder and harder against the proverbial wall.  The only thing that mattered was finishing that damn race!!

What retirement vision?
What retirement plan?

So I'm gonna think about that a bit.  The one thing I know for sure is that I'm not satisfied with where I'm at.  I've got only 18 1/2 years left so while I think it's important to get the new plan in place, I also think that it needs to be a good plan, and it needs to be driven by a great vision!

I await your profound input!

"The best time to start thinking about your retirement is before the boss does."---Anon

....and I like this one a lot....

"The afternoon knows what the morning never suspected."---Robert Frost

Love

Peter

"Never Again"

Another useless antidepressant drug bites the dust, and leaves me with nothing but the withdrawal symptoms.  I tried this one for 6 weeks without any apparent change in the way I wake up in the morning.  I have always been sceptical about this type of drug, primarily because there seems to be no definitive way to prescribe them.  No one can say which ones are best for which situation.  It is all a big trial and error zoo, in which the drug companies are the major circus leaders!!

Right now I'm just sick.  My head feels like its full of sand, and every few minutes someone gives it a shake.  It's now been 6 days since I started to wean my self off with the doctors guidance, and despite the fact that I have since started a new one, each day has gotten worse.

And yes, you heard that right.  I'm trying one last time.  It's an older drug this time, quite a bit different than the one I just quit.  And while I have no idea if it will help me either, I can at least assure you that it will be the last anti-depressant I will ever use.  Never again!

...and I'm sure I've used this one before but it's one of my all time favourites, from one of my all time favourite movies...

"Never, give up. Never surrender."  I'd be interested if anyone (besides Michael) recognizes it?

Love

Peter

"Stop Wanting What You Don't Have"

'What you have is what you want', one of the self help gurus says.  And while I generally agree that wanting what you don't have is wasteful, as well as an impediment to happiness, there is a part of me that wants to add a caveat.  That is this.  If you stop wanting what you don't have, then how do you ever get it?  That's right.  Before you get it, you generally have a yearning for it. And I think many things are worth wanting, and worth having.  Even "thing" things!  For me an example is our home.  We worked very hard to make it ours. and we treasure it like no other thing.

Of course my caveat is much easier to accept when I relate it to "non-thing" things.  For example, who would ever question wanting happiness, or peace, or family or health? 

I also see another problem with my title statement.  For me at least, to stop wanting what I don't have sounds like giving up.  For example, I want my physical vitality back, and until someone gives me a damn good reason that I can't have it, I ain't gonna stop wanting it.

So that brings me to the crux of the matter. 

"Stop Wanting What You 'Can't' Have"

Yah...that make sense....except?

You remember the old serenity prayer?

God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.

The last part is the hard part, just like figuring out what you can or can't have.

And I'm tired.  Part of me just wants to stop being so stubborn about reacquiring my physical and emotional health.  Just start sitting on the couch and vegetating until someone has to come and take care of me.  I could use more drugs (I'm thinking marijuana might be a good start), and certainly lots of sedatives, and pain killers.  And sleeping 12-14 hours a day would also be good.

But....stubborn is my nature.  So at least until someone tells me what I can't have, and probably for a long time after that, I'm gonna keep wanting some things I don't/can't have.  

But....stubborn is my nature.  So I also better apply some of it to the ongoing quest to finding out what I can't have, because lusting after the impossible, is indeed a recipe for depression.

That's it.  I don't know if this post makes any sense, and I ain't even gonna go back and proof read it.    

And a very huge shout-out today to my precious nephew Jason as he continues his magical journey with his friend AML  (look it up)   Your courage amazes me Jay!  I love you to the moon and up!!

...and on wanting...

If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion."---Dalai Lama

Love

Peter

"Lord Help me Jesus"

I get so riled up!   I want to tell you all about it, but I think it's best I don't.  The absolute insanity of religion makes me feel nauseous.  Jesus would be disgusted with what me make of him.

Maybe tomorrow I'll be over it.  After all, its easter, and I think the easter bunny is a damn good idea!

Here comes Peter Cottontail!

'I’ve hidden all the Easter candy for the kids inside my stomach"---Anon

Love
Peter

"Good Friday"

It was a pretty good friday, even though I didn't accomplish too much.
I took Frits to the trails, then I took him to the dog park, and then I gave him a bath.  Roo helped with that part.

As to "Good" friday I don't have much to say.  I think that's the nuns fault.  Along with the emotional and physical abuse they heaped on me, they also taught me not to say anything, if I couldn't say anything good!

And like I said.  Not so much stuff got done, but it made for a damn good friday!

And since I couldn't find a good, good friday quote, I give you this.  I think it's why I've been so drawn to Izaiah and Frits lately

“The only creatures that are evolved enough to convey pure love are dogs and infants.”---Anon

Love
Peter

"Such Wisdom"

I love it when I can provoke others into sharing their thoughts.  I know I don't have many readers left after some sporadic posting, but I cherish each and every one of them.  I am especially grateful for those who take the time to express their detailed thoughts.  Although I'm a pretty opinionated guy (smile) I like to believe that given some contrasting opinions, I am open to flexing mine.

So  thank you, Mike, John, and Lish for your recent contributions.

After reading your stuff I wish to "update" some of my thoughts on depression.  I will concede that indeed those people that have the challenge, or opportunity if you will,  of either working with, or living with a depressed person or persons, may indeed be qualified to talk about it.  I like the distinction that Mike makes between sadness and depression, as indeed they are radically different things in my opinion.  I believe that sadness can much more readily be influenced by changing ones thoughts, than depression can.  Depression has many physiological factors that can't just be changed by positive thinking. 

I also like the point that John makes and that Lish expresses in a different way, that it's quite possible to understand well enough to be able to discuss depression, without being able to understand what it feels like.  Certainly that is contrary to my quote which specifically mentions "talking".

The last point I wish to discuss that seems to be of interest, is why do I talk about it?  I know exactly why I talk about it, and I am convinced that this is an area where I have a keen insight.  Trust me, it has nothing to do with educating anyone, even though I love the dialogue.  Tell me what you think.  

I talk about it out of fear.  Desperation even!  When I stop talking about the pain, and start collapsing into myself, I know it's a very dangerous place to go.  The only reason I ever hesitate is to avoid causing pain to those around me, especially my partner.  But I try to remember that I am important enough to my loved ones that they want me to do what I need to do.   

John, I am 100% convinced that  while whining about certain aspects of life can indeed be self fulfilling, (money, family, job etc), the exact opposite is true for any kind of mental or emotional illness.  One needs to talk about such things, and talk lots.  I am convinced that many people die needlessly at their own hands, because those around them mistook their reduced complaining for improvement in their condition, whereas in actual fact, the sick person had simply given up.  How often do you hear this at the funeral home?  "I thought he was doing so much better".

That may sound dramatic, but since I've decided to be candid, I may as well go all the way.  In the past year I have considered suicide many times, but unfortunately for me that's not a way out.  I say unfortunately because for me it would be so easy to just drift away from my pain.  The problem is I'm  too loved, and I love too much.  I guess that's not really a problem eh?   And thoughts of suicide are easy do dispel, just by thinking about my grandchildren.  

And if it seems intolerable that some one as lucky as I am can feel so desperate, trust me I think the exact same thing.  It is intolerable, unconscionable, ridiculous, absurd, and very, very, hard to understand.  Part of talking so much about it is in a continuing effort to find some answers that make sense.  

Anyway, I don't know if my theory holds water in any clinical sense, but it's clear in my own case.   I can not stop talking about it until I'm better.

Thanks for reading.  Love you all.  

...and I suspect this person understands what depression "feels" like...

“That's the thing about depression: A human being can survive almost anything, as long as she sees the end in sight. But depression is so insidious, and it compounds daily, that it's impossible to ever see the end.” ---  Elizabeth Wurtzel, Prozac Nation

Love

Peter

"Analogies"

I love analogies.  They help me understand things that are foreign or new to me, and as well, I like to develop my own to help get my message across.

So I want to share a powerful memory that I think is a great analogy for depression.

I was probably 15 or 16 years old at the time, living on the farm (I hadn't been thrown out yet), and I had been assigned a task by father dearest.  I don't remember their exact purpose but it involved pounding some stakes in the ground near the end of the driveway.  While at that age I studiously applied myself to avoiding any work, once I did get caught up in something, I usually worked hard.  I remember swinging that sledge hammer with great enthusiasm, even though it was a very awkward position due to the slope on the edge of the drive.  Things were going along swimmingly, until one blow of the hammer glanced off the side of the stake, and then consequently glanced off the top of my knee cap!!!!

I tell you I can still fucking feel it 45 years later!!!!

So to connect the analogy.  Like depression, the crushing pain of the hammer was a surprise.  Like depression, your mind tells you it should stop hurting soon, but soon never seems to come!  Like bouts of depression, you just wanna curl up in a ball and die right at  that moment!  And like depression, unless you have ever hit your self on the knee cap with a 20 lb hammer, you're not qualified to talk about it.

"One good analogy is worth three hours discussion."---Dudley Field Malone

Love

Peter

"Avoiding The Serious Stuff"

Since I've started posting again, it's been all fun and games.  And while I certainly enjoy trying to be funny, and while I think that in itself is good for me, eventually I have to get on with what motivated  me to start writing again.

That of course is all about the struggles I have with depression, and all it's encompassing frustrations. I have to start slowly though, so be patient with me.  I need to make sure that the exercise doesn't become a bunch of negative crap that serves it's own propose.  I actually want to remain as clinical as I can about it.  As much as depression is still such a mysterious illness to me, (and quite frankly to the medical profession), I know it's an illness because my life is damn near perfect, and yet I suffer.

For me it is so wrapped up with my physical intolerance to exercise.  So much so that I honestly do not know which came first, the depression, or the inability to run.  I have spent so much time and effort trying to investigate and trying to heal, all to no avail.  I've checked out my heart, my lungs, my blood, my hormones, my brain, and for lack of a better word, my soul.

And as every day goes by I just survive.  The same story repeats itself every damn day.  I wake up in a hole so dark, that I can't see how anything will ever be okay again.  To top that off I am exhausted, as if I had never slept at all.  Regardless, I faithfully drag myself out of bed by 8 am because that is a commitment I made. That advice from the psychologist I've been seeing.  I take 3 pills, one for depression, one for my underactive thyroid, and one for my stomach which is constantly upset.  I have no problem making some breakfast because I have never lost my Ironman appetite  After I eat I try to spend a half hour meditating, although I'm not very good at it.  By 9:30 I'm usually out the door to the trails, often with Frits in tow.  I only walk now, because I recently made another commitment, that being to give up running for a year. Yup!  True!  Mind you I walk every day, rain or shine, and usually for at least an hour.  Once back home I try to have a decent lunch, and then spend the afternoon trying to do something useful for myself, or for those around me.

As my day follows this pattern I almost always start to feel better.  Exercise, daylight, and work are of course the 3 ingredients that facilitate that.  I spend the evening reading, some prescribed stuff, but mostly recreational.  It still remans for me, the great escape.

And while I said I start to feel better as the day wears on, and in actual fact I often feel grateful by bedtime, the physical fatigue never goes away.  All day I battle shortness of breath, frequent light headedness, and sore tired muscles.  Also, while it comes and goes, there are times when I simply can not warm up, especially my feet.

When I do go to bed I make sure to leave the blinds open so that I can see the stars when they'e out, but more importantly to let the morning sunshine in. (another commitment I made).  Of course I can't go to sleep without some more reading, but it's a rare night that I don't fell asleep fairly easily.  I still dream quite often, but not so much about work or Ironman any more, and not as vivid as in the past.

Of course I wake up several times in the night, either to pee or to moisten my mouth, but generally it seems I sleep fairly well.  Believe me though, that even a trip to the bathroom is an exercise in remaining upright.  Since I refuse to pee sitting down, I frequently lean on the the the toilet tank while I do my business.  Otherwise there's a risk of passing out.  Sorry if that's too much info....:)  Back in bed I'm asleep in seconds.

And then the sun comes up....and with that....back to the top of the page!

Soooooo.  Perhaps that sounded like the whining that I said I didn't want to do?  I don't know, but I also know that while I will never, ever give up, it will do me no good to sugarcoat the whole deal.

Stay tuned.  I promise my next post will be all fun.

....and this I believe is a profound truth....

"Until you've had depression I don't think you're qualified to talk about it."---Geoffrey Boycott

Love

Peter

"The Top Ten Things I Learned From Izaiah.

I never learned much from my parents, and I certainly never learned anything in school. How fortunate I am then to have finally started learning some stuff in my old age.  And how fortunate I am to have had some great teachers come into my life.  Of course there's Frits the Dog, but overshadowing even him are those 3 brilliant souls, my grandchildren.

You've heard me talk about Colby and Kylie for years, but a little less than 16 months ago they were joined by their miracle cousin.  He has gracefully taken over part of my training in an attempt to cover those things the other two may have missed.  Colby for sure would admit that he was only partially successful in has attempts to turn me into a logical human being  :)

Here's the little man himself expressing his love for me.

And so without further ado, here's the top ten things I learned from Izaiah.

10)  All adults are idiots!
9)    If I can see it, I own it.
8)    There's something special about Roo, even if I can't quite put my finger on it.
7)    If you're sad, cry.
6)    Old or young, if you shit in your pants, don't dare feel bad about it.
5)    If it smells good, taste it.  If it smells bad, you probably shit your pants!
4)    There's no place better than the 'outside'.
3)    If someone is willing to wash you all over, accept and enjoy.
2)    The circle of life is a good thing, no doubts, no hesitation.

...and the absolute number one thing I learned from my precious Izaiah...

1)   It's okay to let your dick hang out once in a while.

"Grandfathers are just antique little boys."---Anon

Love

Peter