"Perfect"

It turned out exactly the way I wanted it!  You were right Deb!

But I'm gonna have to keep doing this until I get over my anxiety about it.  I was nervous almost the whole way through, compounded I suppose by the fact that it was a trail run. As much as there is pleasure in running trails, it is definitely different than running on the roads, especially when there are a few hills involved.  The hills are almost always steeper, and it becomes imperative to run them with caution.  So in essence this was a first for me, and I can justify a bit of nervousness.  

I tried very hard to finish last (I think there were 6 or 7 runners), and yet one person managed to go slower.  Actually I was the last place male runner which also put me third!  :)  I think I was supposed to get a prize for that, but I never stuck around to find out.

After the first loop I was faced with a decision whether to be my usual anal self, or if perhaps I could chill a bit for once.  You see, my watch told me I had only run 4.75 kms, when one loop was of course supposed to be five.  There would be no reason that they couldn't make it correct since there was a little out and back section that provided opportunity to do just that.

But, I know that a wrist worn GPS is not always perfect especially given certain conditions.  Needless to say, cloudy weather, tall trees, and a winding course, are not conducive to that perfection.  The GPS tends to straighten out the lines a bit, and not compensate well for elevation changes.

I had pretty well decided that I was gonna quit when they said I should, but alas.....when I got there my anal-ity won out, and I started on my 3rd loop just to make my watch say 10 kms!

I asked the race director about the course and she assured me that it was quite accurate, but when I got home and  compared my route to what their map showed it was very clear.  Each loop was indeed about 250 metres short.  The out and back section was clearly screwed up.  Another victory for the anal truth seeker!!

So while they said I did the race in 56:15, my actual time for 10 kms was 58:54.  I'm content with that.  I also feel quite good about having chosen this event over the one in London.  It was definitely better for me.  btw...my heart rate was perfect again for the entire time.  Not a single glitch!

And on the topic of doing more races until I'm comfortable, I already found the next one.  It's another trail race, although I suspect with a few less hills.  But.... in the interest of continuing to challenge myself, it is 12 kms.  Next Saturday in London. Holy cow!  Game on!

And that's it for today.  I want to give a sincere thanks to all those who bother to take the time to read/watch my stuff, and especially for your feedback.  Although I don't always respond directly, please know that I cherish the interaction as well.   Thanks Betty!

"Tell me I'm clever, Tell me I'm kind, 

  Tell me I'm talented, Tell me I'm cute, 

  Tell me I'm sensitive, Graceful and wise, 

  Tell me I'm perfect - But tell me the truth."---Shel Silverstein

Love

Peter

"Making Progress!"

Slowly, and although I would not say 'surely', I will at least say, tentatively....making progress that is.

For example....

Today I spoke to one of my children about some challenges he is facing.  I listened, told him that I thought he could handle it, and then got off the phone....without offering any advice.  After all, that's his business, not mine, and he was only telling me so that I knew. And better yet, when I got off the phone I felt grateful for his challenges.  I'm willing to bet that it works out to be a blessing!

Switching gears though...

You know what's weird?  It probably says more about me than anyone I may refer to, but I dislike every self help guru that I have ever seen in a video or on television.  I don't know why, but they always seem so pompous.  Like I said, maybe it's just me, as I find most television to be artificial.  Probably it has to be to get watched eh?  And it's not about the whole racket in general, as certainly I have read some great self help books on every topic from mental health, to addiction, to worry, to depression, etc

I think it's just the media.  When I read printed words I can just absorb the writers thoughts without layering my own bias over them.  And I admit I have lots of them, around gender, age, looks, etc.

What reminded me of this was looking up a few online videos of my favourite new author, Byron Katie. I can tell you without a shadow of a doubt that I would have rejected any advice from her if that had been my first exposure to her.  Her style just turns me right off.

Thankfully I suppose, that wasn't the case because I never heard her talk until after having read her book of quotes, because I can tell you that I think she's brilliant.  There were so many statements that she made that absolutely floored me, and I wish to share a few of them.  I chose never to become a disciple of any one person, but this lady is definitely on my list.

Hmmmm.....forget that!

I just spent the last hour transcribing a whole bunch of stuff from her book, and for some reason got more and more uncomfortable about it as I went on.  While I was halfway through the 13th quote, I deleted them all!!  I can't even say for sure why, because I certainly credited her.

I will leave you with this instead.  This book really affected me.  More I'm sure than anything I have ever read!  If you want a copy send me your address and I will send you one!  I promise!  

That will be a much better way to share her wisdom, and one I am more comfortable with.  After all, there's still a bit of the conservative in me, and I think it's okay if she gets paid a few bucks for her ideas  :)

And don't forget to think about me tomorrow.  Ten kilometre trail run!!  What ever happens, I will be happy with it.  Another promise!

"When I walk into a room I know that everyone in there loves me.  I just don't expect them to realize it yet"---Byron Katie

Love

Peter

"The adventures of Colby and Gpa.

I had this idea of doing a top ten today.  It was gonna be the top ten symptoms of what's wrong with the world.  I may still do that some time, but not today.  Today was superseded by about 5 mins of fun so rewarding as to make all the world's problem seem minor.

Watch the short video here.

Love
Peter

"How Did I Miss That?"

So I told you that I signed up for a 10K in London this coming Sunday, only to be advised by Roo that there's a little trail run on the same day, at my very own, recently discovered, conservation area.  Yup!  The very same place as I fell on my head just yesterday.

Speaking of which, I'm fine.  I was quite worried originally as I heard and felt something pop as I hit the ground, and last evening it was quite sore.  I know now that the feeling was probably a tendon temporarily coming out of place, as there is clearly no significant damage.  It will be sore for a few weeks I'm sure, but this way it just matches my "bad" shoulder.  I feel more symmetrical  :)

Regardless Roo convinced me to change my plans and sign up for this thing instead.  It's closer, a bit later start, no traffic or parking problems, and I'm actually thinking of riding my bike there and back.  As to the 55 bucks I already paid to the other people, Roo has some advice there as well.  It's for a charitable cause, and indeed one I'm partial to.  The Run for Retina gives the money to The Ivey Institute and they spend it trying to find cures for various eye diseases, retinitis pigmentosa amongst them.  For those that don't know I have 3 siblings with this life altering affliction .

The problem now is to figure out how to run 10 kms.  I can only hope that race day magic kicks in, and somehow I think it will.  I did a bit of a test today by very, very gradually preparing myself to run 5, and it kinda worked out.  I sure wasn't fast, but I managed the distance okay, especially considering that I was still tired and a bit sore from yesterday.  Besides, I'm pretty sure the course will be a 5K loop completed twice, which means I can always quit half way through.  They also have a 5K, a separate 5K for you and your dog, and a shorter dog walk as well.  The race is called the Mud Dog run.

The only consideration is that it is a very small affair, which means I probably won't be able to slink away.  I will have to admit that I'm quitting or they may send out a search party for me.  I think last year there were only 10 runners in the 10K, with perhaps 50 in the other events.  Then  again, if I manage to finish, maybe I'll win!!

On the life front I realized once again today how hard it is for me to mind my own business and to give up some control. One of my children asked me for advice, and while I managed to provide it without rushing in and taking over, it took some serious discipline.  I don't have any reason to suspect that he (I can say 'he' without giving away any identity, ha ha), is going down anything but an excellent road, and yet the what if's, and the maybes, and the I know betters. just attack me from every angle.  My left brain could construct a perfect plan for him, and all would be well, regardless of what he thinks about it  :)

But I did okay I think, and left it at, 'let me know if I can do anything'.  That was a tricky moment as well though, because rather than asking for anything at that point, he simply said 'thanks'.  I was left with nothing to do!!  Guess I'll just mind my own business until, and if, he asks again.  Hard to do.

Speaking of hard to do, it is with such ambivalence that I try to just sit around and relax.  I was so very tired this morning that I didn't even look forward to all my school transportation duties, and so before I left I decided that I was gonna come straight back home to relax.  Then I thought I better try to run first to prepare my head for the 10K on the weekend, which left me even more tired.  I decided to just write my blog first and then I was gonna have a nap.  First though, I signed up for the other race, and did some internet shopping for Roo.

But instead of being able to relax even at that point, my mind was telling me I was a lazy good for nothing and I better find something to do!  I don't know the answer to that one yet.  Even as I type, now at about 4 pm, I'm thinking that I need to accomplish some task today.  Maybe I'll submit our tax returns to Mr Trudeau, even though I should wait until the end of the month.

I would happily listen to any advice, as long as you don't rush in and try to take over  :)

"I have found the best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it."---Harry Troman

"I Love My Bike...edition 37"

Went to the trails with my bike today.  I wish I could upload the video in the high quality that I can film it in because it really is stunning, but alas, that ain't meant to be.

I hope you enjoy it anyway.  There are 3 different clips totalling about 15 minutes.

First

Springwater. 

Then something I called

 Little bridges.

And the last 37 seconds which is my favourite, and is titled,

Blue sky and white clouds.

Love
Peter

"Inspired"

It's after 10 pm which is already past my bedtime, and I had no intention of tossing anything out there today.  But first Elly's heartfelt post inspired me, and then Janis Joplin came over my earbuds with an introduction to one of her major hits.

Here's Janis...

"This song has got something to say to you, if you can dig it.  It's talking about life man, and what passes by you, and what you've missed, and what you grab man.  It's a song called, get it while you can, cause it ain't gonna be there when you wakeup man"

So I thought perhaps just a few words about how I'm doing, because I know you care, and who knows what tomorrow will bring, if anything?   I'm doing okay, maybe even a little better than okay.

And what may surprise you about that is that I have actually taken a step backwards from a physical perspective.  I'm back where I was 6 or 8 weeks ago, basically unable to run, and feeling listless and fat.  The dizzy spells that were practically gone, have returned with a vengeance, and as a matter of fact I had one today at home hardware, despite not having worked out for several days.  I had no choice but to hang my heed between my legs cause I'm sure I would have ended up on the floor otherwise. Not that I want you worrying about that, because somehow I still know that it's not anything serious.

The positive in all that is that I have not regressed emotionally despite the frustrations, and as a matter of fact I think I've moved forward.  Strange that the bizarre dreams seem to have returned at the same time, and yet even that hasn't put me back down.

I actually feel like I'm on the cusp of a breakthrough, and again I don't mean physically.  My recent reading has helped, as well as the ongoing wonderful support of family and friends. I think focusing on some of them a bit more has helped me.  We went to the horse races with Michael and a bunch of friends on friday evening, and then Roo and I spent five hours in the car saturday just to watch our youngest son play hockey for an hour. As an aside to that Adrian was playing in the Magna tournament, the very same one that his mother  played in during it's inaugural, more than 25 years years ago!!  Holy crap!!

So yeah, things are okay.  Some days I can even imagine a future that involves only fitness training, without an Ironman at the end of it.  Maybe I could live a life of riding and running just for the sake of my health, and not because it is a desperate need.  Who knows eh?

Anyway, just wanted to let you know that I'm doing good!  Cause I know you care :)

"So I got me a pen and a paper, and I made up my own little sign
I said thank you Lord for thinking bout me,
I'm alive and doin fine"---Les Emmerson(Five man electrical band)

"Tomorrow never happens.  It's all the same fucking day man"---Janis Joplin

Love
Peter

"I Just Hope They're Grateful"

Or he, or she, or whoever!  I just hope they're grateful!!

I'm back!  Have you missed me?  Are you grateful that I was gone, or grateful that I'm back. or maybe some of both?

Whatever it may be in your case, please know that I don't give a rats ass, either way!

I used to care.  I used to believe that when I did something for someone, even if that doing meant simply leaving them alone to run their lives, that they should be grateful.  If you're anything like me you've said it a million times in reference to children, parents, siblings, grandchildren, employers, friends, neighbours, or even the guy you held the door for at church.

"I just hope they're grateful."

But that's not even really what we mean is it?  At least not in my case.  Rather than hoping for their gratitude, we're expecting it of them!! And not just that, often we are expecting to be the recipient of their gratitude. Yah!

Perhaps more importantly are the numerous times that I haven't actually spoken the words, but I have thought them.  I realized recently that with so many things I do, even when done out of love, I expect some form of gratitude!  Not that I need to hear words of thanks mind you.  As a matter of fact I don't want it openly directed at me because it just makes me feel self conscious, but I still have this need to know that the person feels some kind of debt to the universe in general!----they "should" be grateful.

Of course that thought about others is most likely just a reflection on myself.  I should always feel grateful whenever I'm the recipient, and if I don't feel that way, I should feel guilty instead!  Crazy eh?

But no longer do I think that.  No longer do I think that I or anyone else "needs" to be grateful, as if it's some kind of obligatory emotional tax that everyone owes whenever they are the recipient of anything good.

I've had it all wrong, and as much as I wish I had figured it out by myself I admit the original thought came from the Byron Katie book.  She said that the very moment you expect any gratitude for any gift given, or service performed, that you've immediately lost the personal value you gained through your  generosity.  I agree!

My lovely and I talked about this whole thing at some length, and while it may not seem original to you smart people out there, we managed to take it a bit further.  I know for me it was a moment of clarity.

You see I realized that when I'm happiest, it's when I'm overwhelmed by feelings of gratitude.  Or at least when those feelings are not tempered with guilt over the good things that I have.  There is no greater feeling than one of pure, unadulterated, tears in your eyes, gratitude!!!

That's the way I want to feel all the time!  Grateful!

So!

From now on whenever I 'hope' that someone's grateful, that's exactly what I'm gonna be doing.  I'm gonna hope that they're grateful, because I truly want them to be.  Not because I believe they owe it,  but rather because they deserve it.  You see, that's what I figured out.

Gratitude is not something you give to someone, or that you owe to anyone, not even god!  Surely you can 'give thanks' and that's a good practice, but gratitude is different.  Gratitude is a feeling, one I believe we all deserve.

And again, I know that's all old news to most of you, but then most of you aren't as screwed up as me.  I'm working on it.  :)

...and while I don't quite get the message of this quote, it does have a  problem.  Can you identify it?

"The debt of gratitude we owe our mother and father goes forward, not backward. What we owe our parents is the bill presented to us by our children."---Nancy Friday

...yah!  Gratitude and debt in the same sentence!!

.... but this one is exquisite, and it's for you Roo.  Thanks for helping me talk my way through this stuff.  I'm forever grateful :)

"What I myself experience is indescribable gratitude in the face of God's perpetual and preemptive love, a love which is not contingent upon requital or even belief in His existence."---Franz Wright

Love
Peter