"Quiet As A Mouse"

Yes, I took a day off, but I have an explanation.  You see, I've been meditating. Considering the state of the universe, and the ultimate fate of man. I've been thinking great thoughts, and dreaming big dreams.   I have been pondering my place in the universe, and wondering what I might do in my next life.

And after two whole days of that, the only thing I have become certain of, is that in my next life I will come back with a new set of teeth!

Which brings me to the truth of the matter; the real reason that I chose not to post yesterday.  You see I had started the post but decided that the world didn't need any of the negative I was gonna spew into it, and I figured I needed the time out.

And you may have guessed that my venom would have been related to my teeth again.  Believe it or not, shortly after I posted my blog on Monday I broke another tooth!!!!!  I couldn't effin believe it!!  So sorry, but It felt like a kick in the teeth!! I didn't even realize right away that it happened. It was only in hindsight that I realized that it must have when I was chewing a couple of antacid tablets.  I wasn't trying to open a beer bottle, or bite the head off a chicken, just doing normal stuff.  And I'm pretty sure that the tooth is broken right through the root, and it will have to come out!!

So of course it's leaving me wondering whee it all goes from here.  I suspect that the back ones at least are all going the same route, whether due to the radiation or not I don't know.  I will do whatever needs dome with this one (I go in tomorrow) and then I will get a referral to the people who do implants.  That will take months, I already checked, but believe it or not it can be done right here in St Thomas.

And I don't know if I mentioned it but implants are probably the only possible option for me.  He told me that a dental plate with my level of saliva will be near impossible to wear, due to friction and hygiene.  Unless you've lived without it, it's hard to understand the role of saliva in keeping your mouth clean, and lubricated....spit is slippery!

So there you have it, if you care.  I'm actually pretty pleased with how I've handled this little bit of joy.  After an initial spiral I've managed to hold my own.  More tomorrow.

Oh, and my doctor wants to see me again tomorrow.  Something about my potassium being too high. I'm not too concerned, but I gotta humour him.  I may have to stop eating 3 or 4 bananas a day. :)

"The quieter you become, the more you can hear"---Anon

Love
Peter

"In a Funk"

I'm pretty sure that the drugs they give you to improve your energy and your mood do the exact opposite for a while.  I'm also pretty damn sure it's not gonna last too long, one way or another.  It has already interfered with my runs, and that of course is totally counterproductive.  I'm gonna give it til Xmas and then reevaluate.

But...despite those negative thoughts,, I'm building on the other good stuff that's happening.  Only 3 weeks til the counselling starts, (just before Xmas), and I'm really looking forward to Xmas itself.  I have not been able to say that for many years now.

But my temporary funk leaves me with little to say today other then I love you all so much, and am indeed grateful....just not enough yet.

I am grateful for this gratitude book I am reading, so today I will share a bit of wisdom from it instead.  The author says that humility is  critical aspect of gratitude, and he offers a sort of checklist to use in your path to humility.  Here you go.  The author credits the list to one Paul Wong

"Acknowledging our wrongdoing

Receiving correction and feedback graciously

Refraining from criticizing others

Forgiving others who have wronged us

Apologizing to others we have wronged

Enduring unfair treatments with patience and a forgiving spirit

Thinking and speaking about the good things of other people

Rejoicing over other people’s success

Counting our blessings for everything, good and bad

Seeking opportunities to serve others

Being willing to remain anonymous in helping others

Showing gratitude for our successes

Giving due credit to others for our successes"

"Treating success as a responsibility to do more for others

Being willing to learn from our failures

Assuming responsibility for our failures

Accepting our limitations and circumstances

Accepting the social reality of discrimination and prejudice

Treating all people with respect regardless of their social status

Enjoying the lowly status of being an outsider and a nobody'

Hmmmm.....not a wonder there's not much gratitude in my life.  I'm afraid that a few of these I'm okay at, a bunch more I'm not very good at, but the biggest slice I really suck at....

Here's one just for my mirror!

"A sarcastic person has a superiority complex that can be cured only by the honesty of humility."---Lawrence G Lovasik

Love

Peter

"Holding My Own"

Some days it feels okay just to know you didn't backslide.  My face is sore from the dentist, which makes me nervous, my stomach is sensitive from the drugs, which I should have expected, and my run was a major struggle, which I really think is also from the drugs.

Oh well.

Holding my own.....all things are hard before they are easy.

While I'm not much of a swimmer, I can tread water for a long time.

As sister Elly would say, "I'm doing the best I can, with what I got today".

"Without hard work, nothing grows but weeds."---Gordon B Hinckley

Love
Peter

"Live Mice"'

I'm just sticking with my theme.   It occurred to me that maybe I could get a live trap instead of all this savage butchery.  But then I would still have the problem of relocating them, and there's no way I'm gonna get in my truck and drive 5 kms down the road just to free them.

But!

Maybe?

I could put them in little mouse boxes, wrap them up, put a stamp on the box, and send them off as pets for my grandson.  Eureka!!!  I would of course put some vent holes in the box, and send them express.  I'm not a complete barbarian you.  I hope Izaiah enjoys them.  How many do you think he would you like Lish?

I can joke because I'm in a joking mood.  While I'm still pretty anxious, I have had the best day and a half that I've had for a while.  Lots of reasons for that, not the least of which is the fact that I'm taking some steps.  I've started all 3 drugs (yikes!!!) I booked an appt with the head shrinker for Dec 21 (that's not bad I think), my blood work came back and as expected the TSH is off the scale.  It sits at 50 and the maximum is supposed to be 4! And the best part was that I spent 2 solid hours in the dentists chair and I think I got my teeth fixed.

And I might add.  He and his assistant did the work after regular hours were over.  Two intensive hours which involved 2 root canals, and a complete restoration of the bridge with 2 stainless posts and several smaller titanium pins.  I'm still anxious over it, but with my bit of technical know how I think it's gonna hold.  I made him show me every part as he added it, as well as most of the tools he used.

And speaking of medical professionals I am very much looking forward to seeing this psychologist.  Why for the life of me Psychiatrists can bill Ohip, but Psychologists can not I don't understand.  Anyway, I know that psychologists can't offer me any drugs, so they gotta make me better just by talking to me, and that's what makes me excited.

But I think the most important thing I did today was a task for Roo that took me half of the day.  And the good feeling didn't come from the simple act of doing the task (I do lots for her, as she does for me), but the importance of this particular little project is that it was something I didn't want to do.  I was resisting it for the simple reason that it was something I couldn't see merit in.

Idiot!  I resisted a stupid little job, that I knew damn well would bring her much pleasure!  And all just because I thought I knew better.  Of course, that's what made the whole thing significant.  The fact that I realized  I was being an idiot, and just got it done!  It was so rewarding to apologize for not having done it sooner.  And since I surprised her with it while she was out delivering mail, it had the added bonus of enjoying her surprise.

Oh, one more thing.  And this is something that's kinda new in our lives, since we've only become empty nesters recently, but two of our children came by just for a visit today.  Nice.

I can say with some gratitude that today I'm feeling some gratitude  :)

"When it comes to life the critical thing is whether you take things for granted or take them with gratitude."---Gilbert K Chesterton

Love
Peter

"Dumb as a Mouse"

Today's mouse didn't have the wisdom to lay his head down properly and as such he didn't get a quick execution.  Instead he only had one leg trapped, and he was futilely  chewing  away at both the trap and his leg.  Every once in a while he would try to go somewhere trap and all, but the little divides in the ceiling tiles prevented that.  His remaining life was gonna be spent in that one little 2' X 2' square space! That's why I try to faithfully check the trap every day, since the poor mouse is obviously in pain, and unable to die quickly.

That's the way that I've felt over the last little while.  I've managed to keep my neck out of the guillotine, but I'm caught in a leg trap instead.  It hurts....a lot, but there doesn't seem to be any answer to that.  I try and try to will my body to take me someplace, but I don't get much past my own neighbourhood in a literal sense, or beyond my own mind space in a more figurative way.

My idea was to show you a little video of the poor rodent struggling, but number one, you couldn't see the pain in his eyes, (but he never blinked) and number two it would have been cruel to let him live too long.  I took him outside and pounded his head with a 2X4.

But he's a freakin little rodent with a brain perhaps the size of one of his turds so you can't really blame him for eating the peanut butter, or furthermore being unable to get himself out of the trap.

I on the other hand have a brain way bigger than the size of one of my own turds and as such should be smart enough to get me out of this crap.  Today I took a few steps, I think.

First off I was totally motivated this morning by an almost sleepless night.  One manywonder how one could be motivated by lack of sleep but basically I knew that I couldn't tolerate one more like that.  It wasn't just lack of sleep.  It was a night of pain.  I can not, no, I will not go on this way.  Of course my current state of mind was exacerbated by the dental circus that's been going on, and although that should be minor in comparison, it's been like the proverbial burr under the saddle.

So here's what I did.  First off I tried staying under the covers as long as I could.  At about 9:30 I headed out to the doctors office, a professional whom I respect so much professionally, and like so much personally.

He's so kind and sympathetic.  I laid out the story for him.  I'm getting my blood work done, and if my TSH is low (it will be) I am going back to taking the thyroid medication that I stopped 3 months ago.  I don't think it will help me at all, but since it won't hurt me either, I will humour those in my life who think it may (including my doctor) and take the little green pill once a day.  Next, I'm gonna start taking an anti-depressant called Zoloft.  Apparently it was one of the earlier ones on the market, its biggest allure being the relatively minor side effects.  Again, I am very sceptical about this, but I know the giant pharmaceutical companies wouldn't mislead me.  The proof of its efficacy lies in how much it costs.  It's gotta work!!! We shall see.  If it doesn't make me feel sick or discourage me from exercise, I'll give it a shot.   I now also have at my disposal a sedative called Lorazepam, a drug I've taken before, and which I really like for getting to sleep.  I will only take it when I feel the need.  Finally I'm gonna go see a psychologist that he knows personally, and that he recommends.  That's gonna cost lots of money but after a bit of rationalization I came to terms with it.  I simply won't buy a new bicycle this coming year.  That combined with what I save on cigarettes and beer should get me a few sessions.

And lastly I'm sure you're all interested in the ongoing saga of my face.  The new proposal makes sense to me, and I will monitor his work at ever step, even if I have to bring my own mirror.  What will happen now is a root canal on both of the broken off teeth.  Then an inert material put into the bottom of the canal, topped off by a stainless steel post.  My existing bridge will then be adhered to those 2 posts.  Should work!

That's the technical part.  The human element goes like this.  If he didn't have good answers today I was gonna tell him I wanted to think about it, and then go somewhere else.  Lo and behold, he talked to his assistant who is a remarkable professional, and they both agreed to work late tomorrow to try and do the whole thing.  This for me is a godsend, because the biggest beef I have with him is that he juggles way too many patients, and as such doesn't stay focused.  With both of them working together without interruptions, I feel pretty good.  The funny thing is, that I'm kinda getting used to the missing teeth; there's something kind of humble about it, and although eating is a bit "frustrating" I think I could survive like this for a week or two.  At one point I was kind of counting on it to sucker my chef friend Deb into making me a hole bunch of soups and stews, so there's a lost opportunity.  Damn!

So in summary, last night was one of the worst nights of my life, the day time was a bit better, and sitting here this evening I am actually feeling a little bit grateful.  Only a touch mind you since like most things it's gonna take practice.  Those thing that I am a little bit grateful for are

My wife (more than a bit)
My family doctor
My dental assistant....okay, okay...maybe the dentist too
Money
Canada
Lorazapam....it does exactly what it claims with no subjectivity
My son Peters ongoing sobriety.
Xmas shopping (yes I really enjoy trying to find the right things)
Mousetraps

"Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart."---Steve Jobs

"Man is the only kind of varmint sets his own trap, baits it, then steps in it."---John Steinbeck

Love
Peter

"Do MIce Have Eyelids?"

I don't know!  All I know is when I grab them by the tail to release their squashed little necks from the trap, their eyes are wide open.  I suppose I could take a toothpick or something to probe around to see if they're just open in shock, or if indeed they just don't have lids.  I'll tell you this.  If they have this anatomical trait, they certainly aren't nothing like mine.  It's damn clear that I have eyelids, even though many of my friends would tell you that I've gone through life with them squeezed shut!  Not that it matters it seems, as the mice kept theirs wide open, and yet the allure of that bit of peanut butter still ended in tragedy.

I considered adding a few pics of the aforementioned tragic events because it's pretty cool to see the various poses they end up in, the only common aspect being the open eyes thing.  But if I had done that Alisha would probably have stopped reading my blog, and since she's the mother of my grandson, I can't afford to piss her off  :)

I've had lots of opportunity to consider this small mystery this year, as we seem to have a higher than usual winter invasion.  Either that, or I'm getting better at catching them.  One of the joys of living in the country I suppose.  I don't know where they get in, and haven't really worried about it, but maybe next summer I'll do a good analysis.  It may be futile however, as we live in a sided house, and the little fuckers don't need much of a crack to squeeze through.


But back to my question.  Do mice have eyelids and why do I care?  Well I don't actually.  I couldn't care less if they have eyes, or brains, or even souls.  All I care about is that they don't live in my house, shitting in the ceiling, or chewing the wiring.  It's not a personal thing, and if they were only house trained I would have no problem with a few of them as house guests.

But while I don't care about mice eyelids, here's something I do care about.

Is it okay for me to get up at 8:00 on a Tuesday morning, have a leisurely breakfast, got for a 5km jog, come back and shower, then have some lunch, sit in an easy chair and read for a couple of hours, have a nap, and then contemplate whether or not I'm gonna to anything productive today, or just do some more of the above?

Is it okay?

My mind says it's okay.  After all, I sure don't do it every day.  I live a busy life.  I try to keep my chores in order, and I try to think of stuff that may add value to those around me.  I never let things get into a state of disrepair, other than perhaps my emotional health. I'm 61 years old and have spent at least 2/3rds of them working fairly hard.  My wife is out earning our daily bread now, doing something she enjoys while I'm catching mice on her behalf, so that seems fair.  My children are all grown up and independent, and while I don't really think I did a good job of helping them get there, I did have the wisdom of marrying Roo to do so.

Is it okay?

Yes I'm sure it is!

Oh wait!

That's a lie!

If I was sure, then I wouldn't have this sense of unease, this sense of guilt, this sense of time wasted.

Damn!  It really pisses me off  when my rational mind tells me that not just is it okay, as the saying goes, it's more than okay.  I am not a lazy person!  If I would let myself do this when I felt like it, I think I would be a healthier, happier, and even a more useful human being.  And isn't that our purpose in life??

More work to do I guess.  I'm gonna start by focusing on this gratitude thing.  I think I mentioned that I downloaded a book called Gratitude Works, and so far I really like it.  It's fairly theoretical at first but promises to move into a practical 21 day exercise.  That probably appeals to me because of my left brain tendencies, and I suppose it could have the added bonus of giving me the task satisfaction that I seem to need.

We shall see.  I promise to keep you posted as I go through it.  Could be interesting.

On practical matters I must tell you that my run was interesting today.  I felt fine heading out the driveway until half way down when I suddenly knew I was gonna have a brown out.  I have had a few over the last month, always right at the start, but in all cases once I let it subside it went away and never came back.  When I got back, my watch automatically downloaded my data to the internet, which when I think about it, is kinda scary.  Never the less, I had a look at it just because I wanted to see whether I managed to improve my pace over the duration of the 5 kms.

The little application has graphing functionality, and this is what I seen when I combined pace with heart rate.

The shaded grey is pace so you can clearly see where I stopped completely for 15 seconds or so.  What's freaky as hell is the red line......you guessed it, my heart rate.  I'm not saying that it was any kind of serious heart event because I think you have a great deal of pain when that happens, but there is absolutely no question that the brownout happened at the exact same time as the watch showed this.  In case you were wondering, the app also shows precisely where I was in the driveway at the time, using its mapping capability, which confirms the timing of the event.  Did my heart skip a beat, maybe even 2 or 3?  I considered the idea that it maybe lost connectivity when I bent over, but that would be unusual. I will try to test that tomorrow.

I ain't worrying over this mind you, I actually just found it interesting.  And I also found it interesting that as long as I let myself recover for those few seconds, afterwards it was like it never happened.  I'll pay better attention next time, if indeed there ever is a next time.

Big day tomorrow.  I see both my doctor and my dentist in the morning, and while I don't expect to learn anything of direct value from either one of them, perhaps going through the motions will trigger my own brain into taking some affirmative action.

"The early bird may get the worm, but it's the second mouse that gets the cheese."---Jeremy Paxman

....and this is totally unrelated but as soon as I seen it I had to share.....lmfao

"On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart's desire at last, and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron."---H. L. Mencken

I had to look this guy up and although he seemed like quite a moron himself, he certainly nailed this one with some foresight.  He died 60 years ago!

And I thought I was all done for today and ready to post, but then this happened, and I couldn't quite leave.

Didn't I try hard to say some nice things about him the other day??

I'm trying to be grateful!

Love
Peter

"Long Pants"

It's been a self imposed rule that I've held myself to for as long as I've been running.  That is; no long pants until it goes below zero!  Roo used to follow the rule as well, but she's getting older you know, so I've tried to be tolerant when I see her cheating. Not me though!  If I can be called anything, stubborn is it.

The funny thing is that I have no problem following my rule at the end of autumn, but it seems so different come spring time.  Zero degrees is just so much colder then, and in fact, I don't have the same rule in the spring.

Regardless, long pants signifies another changing of the seasons for me, and while this first snow initially annoyed me, once I went running in it I quickly changed my tune.  Yesterday I was complaining that I was getting too old for this crap, but after my run I was back to appreciating my Canadian home.  Most people realize that without winter we wouldn't enjoy our beautiful summers as much, but indeed that can work both ways.  While I actually like walking/running/riding when it's hot as hell, there is just something exhilarating about a nice easy jog on a day like today.  It doesn't even matter that it's overcast and windy, because somehow, communing with nature in any form is gratifying.

And whoops!  There's that word again.  Gratitude!  And yes, I can honestly say that today I am grateful that I still have two feet, and that I'm still capable of putting one in front of the other.  Truly, I can't imagine a life without regular exercise.  Which makes me grateful for the sheer addiction of running, because if it was not so deeply ingrained in me, my recent struggles would surely have ended that part of my life.  Stubborn it is!

And as to my run today, it was only 5 kms, and it took me a full 30 mins.  That being said it didn't feel too hard which was good, as I was a bit nervous after doing 10 kms on Saturday.   As to the 6:00/km pace, I would be happy to maintain that and gradually increase the distance.  I am not gonna over empathize that however, as my real goal is just to start running effortlessly.  I am 100% convinced now that the only way to do that is to go slower when it hurts, regardless of what the clock says.   I used to think it was impossible to go this slow and still call it running, but I'm reminded of another word I use often.  Relative.  Everything is relative.

Lastly for today, a couple of big shout outs. First to my son Michael who continues to inspire me.  Please go back and read his comment on my previous post, and see if you can understand why.  And secondly I wish to bring to your attention the other exception to the rule that all Rooyakkers are idiots. My beautiful, kind sensitive niece, Jesse Roo. I am positive that somehow she sensed my low mood this morning right across the ethernet, so she sent me a brief little love note to cheer me on.  Amazing gift!  Amazing young lady.  Thanks young Roo.

...and if the goal is happiness, I think we need  to continually reconsider the path...

"Many are stubborn in pursuit of the path they have chosen, few in pursuit of the goal."...Friedrich Nietzsche

Love
Peter