"Sunday Night"

Just got home from watching a pretty mediocre movie with Colby, and I'm tired.   I should have gone with Roo, Mike and Ky to see Beauty and the Beast cause I guess it was pretty good   Either way I would still probably be tired.

Roo also tells me that if I'm gonna start blogging again, I gotta start a new one, which means I gotta come up with a new 2 syllable title.  I'm glad for that, cause it will be my excuse to postpone a serious post for a day or two.  I will try to come up with my title tomorrow.

Til then.

Love
Peter

"So There You Have It"

Either she does indeed check every day, or perhaps she has it set up to receive a notification whenever I post.  I believe that's possible, but we will let Alisha keep that bit of knowledge to herself.  If the truth be known, I'm glad she commented because I want to try to blog again for a while.

And then before I even had a chance to fulfill my commitment, Michael piped up as well.  Hi Mike!  I now know I'm talking to at least 2 people, 3 if you count myself.

As to talking to myself please know that like all things I do, I'm gonna start blogging exclusively for my own selfish reasons.  For some months I simply didn't want to be open with my feelings, perhaps not even to myself, but for some reason the feeling has again come upon me.

It's been a fairly eventful 3 plus months since my last post.  Not in the sense of any significant events, or changes, but more so in my personal outlook on life.  Or perhaps not even so much change, as my willingness to talk about it.

But I'll be going slow.  If anyone enjoys reading it that will gratify me, but like I said, the intent is that it become a cathartic tool for me, as it has been in the past.

For now I wish to tell you that since I have last posted I have had amazing open discussions with all my sons, and as much as anything else they have motivated me to start writing again.  Those discussions have also reminded me of how incredibly proud I am of all four of them.  Though it may not be obvious to all,  they are all courageous men who have each conquered mountains.  I will be talking about them a lot, at least in terms of my relationships with them.

And that's enough of a start I think.  Talk to you tomorrow.

“I'm so proud of you that it makes me proud of me.”---John Green

Love
Peter

"This is a Test"

Recently my wonderful extra daughter Alisha told me that despite the lack of a post from me in several months, that she still checked for one daily.  So this is a test.  If indeed she posts a comment here within 48 hours, then I'm gonna start blogging again.  If I don't hear from her however, I think it will be sufficient evidence that no one's gonna read it anyway, and as such I may as well not waste my time.

Then again, I may just do it anyway.  Time will tell.

Love you Lish!!

Love

Peter

"Yes, It's Been a While"

And it's gonna be a while longer yet.  Today I'm starting my 21 day gratitude exercise, and since that involves journalling every day, I think it will keep me busy enough.  I hope it turns out to be a useful undertaking, and while I don't think I will make any of it public, I promise to tell you how it leaves me feeling.  Grateful, hopefully.  Wish me luck!

Talk to you next year.  

Love

Peter

"Running For Exercise"

That may seem like a strange title but then I'm a strange person.

Here's how I came up with it.  As is now obvious from my posts of the last few weeks I've been struggling a bit with my emotional health...well okay....struggling a lot :)

But that's okay cause I'm doing everything I can to fix it, and I got lots of support, so I bet I get through it.

Meanwhile "getting through it" is a challenge, especially as relates to the drugs.  I don't know how they effect others but for me they are pretty frustrating for the first while.  It seems like they make me more tired, more anxious, and more depressed.  Yes. Yes.  I know!  That's gonna go away pretty soon, and if I was a different person I would just wait patiently for "pretty soon" to happen.

The thing that scares me a bit is that I haven't felt like exercising since I started taking them, and as I have probably mentioned before, that's no good for me.

But I've also pointed out before that the good habits, or the obsession if you will, that I have developed over the last 8 years now stands me in good stead, because somehow I mange to drag my self out there most days.

True to that, I got dressed this morning and headed outside, strictly with the intention of doing something.  Walking, jogging, sightseeing, whatever.

And whether it's a good thing or not I always wear my GPS and my heart rate strap, so I can collect all the useless data.  As I started out today, barely running at a 7 min/km pace, it occurred to me that what I was doing was probably the very best thing possible.  I was doing the best I could with what I had today.  I was outside in the fresh air, and I was getting my heart rate up!

So it occurred to me to ask myself why I was even monitoring my pace or my heart rate, and I instinctively knew the answer.   I was wearing the technology because I'm always in competitive mode.  Perhaps just with myself, but it's always there.  Always thinking about making a comeback, always thinking about previous standards, always thinking about what if, and maybe!!!

And that's when it hit me.  What if I went out running each day with no purpose other than the exercise?  With no motive other than improving my health; physical, emotional and spiritual???

I know it seems ludicrous that this is a revelation to me because normal people generally exercise for their health, but I'm a slow learner.

Anyway, that's what I learned today, and if I remember it tomorrow, I will try to do the same thing.  The beauty of it is, that I know that sometimes it's better for my health to go slower, so perhaps this new attitude will remove one stressor from my daily routine.

It also probably means that I won't be doing much bike riding for a while, just because it's such a pain to prep for that.  And I think that's okay too.  If I can jog for 30-40 minutes, 5 or 6 days a week, I'm pretty sure that'll keep my veins open.  Life is good, if challenging at times.

"You're in pretty good shape for the shape you are in."---Dr Seuss

Love
Peter

"Slow Day"

The only dead mouse today was one that's been dead for a while.  He was starting to stink and that's when Roo remembered where I put that trap a few weeks ago!!  Oh well....good thing they start stinking so's that you can find them  :)  But like I said, no new dead ones, and no disturbance of the peanut butter.  It is possible that we've arrived at the end for this year.  I lost count some time ago, but I think I killed at least a dozen.

And it was a slow day in other regards as well.  I continue to feel like I'm moving through quicksand, and I absolutely hate the feeling.  I fell asleep shortly after lunch, and never managed to really wake up completely until nearly 5:00.  I'd be okay with that if I didn't feel like I was wasting my life away. I did manage to get my 5K walk/jog in, but I should probably have tried to spend more time outside.  Tomorrow.

Thank goodness we're getting close to the winter solstice cause I'm already way past appreciating darkness at 5 pm.  Oh for the days when I travelled to the southern hemisphere during these months.

And that's all I got for today.  Peace, joy and happiness!

...and the Duke would be okay with my brevity....

"Talk low, talk slow and don't say too much."---John Wayne

Love
Peter

"Slow Learner"

You may recall earlier this year during one of my video blogs that I was complaining of the stupidity of the statement, "hope for the best, expect the worst"!

I was immediately reprimanded for my negative attitude, and furthermore, advised by more than one person that I had the expression wrong.  Apparently it's supposed to be, "prepare for the worst, expect the best".

Well okay then.  While I still think that the idea of preparing for the worst can be self fulfilling, it certainly is a lot more positive expression than my version.

And while I have been a bit slow in applying the better version in my life, I think I managed to do it over the last few days.

When I broke another tooth the other day I was pretty upset, but I got a grip quickly.  Perhaps because I knew that letting myself fall into despair like I did with the initial problem two weeks ago, and then once again a week ago with the bridge, wasn't going to achieve anything.

So I accepted that losing the tooth was highly probable (it felt extremely loose), but by now I knew enough about various procedures that it allowed me to focus on possible solutions.

So it was with a pretty good attitude I headed to the dentist for the 6th time in 2 weeks!!!

Guess what?

I still have the tooth, temporarily repaired.  It is quite loose but not broken into the root.

And I go back next Friday to start working on a fairly extensive bridge that will encompass 3 remaining teeth, as well as replace a missing one on that side.  If all goes well it will give me a good chewing surface on one side at least, and then after that I can still consider an implant on the other side.  The best part is that it should give extended life to the three existing teeth, all of which are in pretty rough shape.  It should preempt any more of the crumbling problem.   Needless to say, this most recent broken one is one of those that will now be protected.

So while I'm a slow learner I'm trying to apply my new attitude towards the way I feel physically.  I'm reminded once again why I hate drugs, because they have me feeling like I'm moving through quicksand.  I have been unable to manage my 5K for several days now, which simply is not acceptable.  Starting tomorrow I'm going to make sure I at least walk it, and I'm gonna "expect" that in another week or so the drug side effects wear off.

I think I also mentioned that the doctor wanted to see me again, and I already knew why after seeing my blood tests.  It seems I have a mild loss of kidney function which is probably just from the chemo drugs of years ago, and that we'll have to monitor it.  My blood pressure was also quite high when I was in his office, and so I promised to monitor that daily for a while and check back with him in the new year.

On an aside, I wonder how most doctors feel about the fact that many patients have access to the results of their lab tests at the same time as the doctor, if not sooner.  The stuff is just a few clicks away.  I suspect that in some cases it causes lots of stress for both doctor and patient, but I like to believe that for me it is beneficial to go to my appointments with the data already known.

And speaking of clicking, Xmas shopping has become such a joy has it not?  I'm pretty well done, the only major remaining decision being whether to buy socks online, or to get them at Costco during our next regular trip  :).

And today, I am immensely, immensely, immensely grateful that I have the means to pay for my dental care.  There are millions upon millions of people in our world who would simply have to accept what came, to the point of not having any teeth at all, not even artificial ones.  And as I have that thought, I'm a little ashamed of my whining.  Sorry everyone....
.....and thank you lord for thinking about me....

....and while this may seem like a simple thought, I'm not very good at it....

"Your mind will answer most questions if you learn to relax and wait for the answer."---William S Burroughs

Love
Peter